I don't know how to start this post other than say that I completely lost it! It was a wild and emotional disaster. I'm not proud of what happened. I broke quite a few of the 37 rules. Here it goes:
I had a really good night on Friday with my meet up group. Had dinner and drinks and was really able to laugh and enjoy myself. But when I got home and saw that H had exchanged texts with OW I completely lost control of myself. H was sleeping on the couch and I went up to him and turned on the light. When he opened his eyes I said a few things...something like: "I'm f'ing done with you and I hope you'll be f'ing happy with OW", and then I stormed off and went to the bedroom.
H came right in and wanted to know what was going on. I told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't. Then, I completely lost it. I don't remember all that was said, but I was crying uncontrollably, called him a few names; called OW a lot of names. I don't usually swear, only when I'm really upset.
H was defensive, kept saying that he thought we were done. I told him that we were still married and he had no right to go and do all that stuff. I told him to go away and hope that he'll find happiness elsewhere.
That went on for a while. A lot more things were said. I slapped him across the face. It was a reflex and happened before I knew what I was doing. H didn't go away. He grabbed me and held me tight as I was crying and almost hypervantilating.
I felt really bad because that woke S4 and when he saw me cry he got very upset. At one point H asked S4 to climb onto our bed and H hugged both of us.
Eventually I calmed down and H started kissing me, and it turned to ML. H ended up falling asleep with his arm around me.
Saturday morning was "good". We talked more; I was calm. More ML. We all spent the whole day together. There were times when it seemed that H wanted a future together. There were also times where he was deep in thought and questioning everything.
Saturday evening H wanted to play a "game" by asking each other questions about one another that we should know. We did pretty well being able to answer most of them. But then over the weekend he said that we don't know each other anymore several times. I asked him why he thought that. He said that we just know factual things. Later he said that he can't predict me anymore.
There were a few things H said over the weekend that gave me some hope. H said we need to get new rings. I asked him why, and he said "Fresh start". H said he was looking for a new job with more money for "us". H also talked about wanting to get a new car. I said that when he gets a new job, then we could talk about. But he said if he gets a new job, then it's time we have another kid.
H said I'm not getting a cat (I had mentioned to him a week ago that I was thinking about one). The next day he was looking up cats that are up for adoption and said that we'd need to get 2.
I'm still trying to understand what happened this weekend. I know I did some major backsliding. I said A LOT of things I shouldn't have. I acted the way I shouldn't have. I let him know how much I knew. I let him see how hurt I am (thus probably showing my weakness). He asked why I didn't fight for him then. I said that I thought he was right there with me, that I didn't think I needed to fight for him.
I still don't know where things are between H and I. He is still questioning what he wants. H asked what we do now, how do we move forward. I honestly don't know. I told him we should taking things slowly, take one day at a time. He said he doesn't want to take one day at a time. He "needs" to know now that it will work. He doesn't believe we will work out. I showed him the Retrouvaille website. He wasn't against it, but said that he doesn't know if he can commit to it because of potential work travel.
As for me, I know I need to slow things down. I know I need to throw out the expectations I have at the moment.
Communication between us has improved somewhat since my blow up. H is calling and emailing more. There is a little more affection between us. H "seems" to care more. But there are still plenty of times where it looks like his mind is elsewhere.
Yesterday, I dropped S4 off at MIL's and went to Barnes Noble for coffee and to hang out. I didn't stay too long, but when I was back home already H called and asked if I was still there 'cause he was heading in that direction and was going to stop by. Darn, I missed that opportunity.
I had a GYN appt this morning and told them about some emotional stuff that's been happening. I felt like I got a mini counseling session. The dr. was very good at listening and asked a lot of questions; asked if I felt like I needed medicine; said there is additional counseling available at the office if I need it. She asked if I wanted to do an STD screening. Though H said he wasn't physical with OW, I agreed to do the screening just to be sure.
Sorry for the long post. I feel like I need to be accountable for my loss of control and backsliding. I could use some advise on how to move forward.
