Journaling...Sorry for the long post. I needed a break from the boards this weekend. You're about to find out why.
I don’t know what this weekend turned out to be…I was really on the train to Crazytown.
So after posting here on Friday I had a meltdown. A serious one. My stepson and I were texting earlier in the day, and for some reason, it didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon that if my H and I do get a D, I will be losing my stepson too. Now my H and I haven’t been married that long, and forging a relationship with my stepson hasn’t been easy for me (just because I didn’t know how to), but I love that boy like he’s my own. So my heart was really breaking on Friday.
My H called once he got off work to see what I wanted for dinner. At that point, I had been crying for probably 45 mins. I could barely get words out. I had to hang up the phone. He calls me back and I manage to say I couldn’t talk to him. He wanted to know what was wrong. I just said I couldn’t talk to him.
And this is where the craziness begins…
I managed to pull myself together enough to take a shower. At this point it’s about 2 hours since I’ve talked to my H. I call him to get him to bring me some food, no answer. Remember I am still sick and on bed rest. So I get dressed and drive myself to get some food. As I’m pulling back up at the house, H calls me back. I explain that I just wanted some food. He asks if I drove myself. I say yes. He apologizes. He’s been at the movies because he “just needed to get out”. (That is H’s code word for I didn’t know what to expect at home, so I just avoided it all together. He used to do this a lot when we would argue). It takes him another hour or so to get home. (I’m sure he had to do his good night call to OW).
He asks me once he gets home what was wrong earlier. I said I was just upset. He tells me he didn’t know what was going on so that’s why he went to the movies. (Ha! Is that honesty for a change?)
So, here’s where I break the most important DB rule. I start a R conversation. At this point, I have to know what is going on with the Vegas trip. (I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but it was eating me alive!). So I say, “I have to ask this. Is there any chance that your mistress will be in Vegas next week?” He just looks at me and says no. I ask isn’t her b-day next week. He says he doesn’t know; he thinks the 20th. I say you claim to love this person and you don’t know when her b-day is? He finally says it’s the 20th. “So there’s no chance I will find out when you get back that she was there?” He says, “I have absolutely nothing to do with her b-day plans.” He says he and his friends have wanted to do this trip for a long time.
He seems kind of defensive about it. I say there is no need to get defensive. He says he’s not. I say it’s not like we can pretend she doesn’t exist. Then he starts texting on his phone. I think he feels guilty every time he has to talk to me about her.
He then starts looking at my SS pictures on FB. (He’s been doing that a lot. He seems sad when he does it. Is he starting to get a clue of how this will affect everybody?) I tell him that’s why I was upset earlier. Because I realized if we get D, I will lose my SS too. He tells me SS loves me. I say at least someone does.
Regardless, I’m not sure what to believe at this point. In my snooping earlier, I found a room confirmation from OW for Vegas as well as plane reservations. I couldn’t verify that the room is still reserved, but the plane tickets sure are. He is adamant that they are not staying in the same hotel and that they are flying from a completely different city. He’s supposed to send me the flight reservation so we’ll see. (Why do I even care at this point? SIGH)
I also asked him about his wedding ring. (Why not, I was on a role!) He says the other ring he was going to wear he couldn’t get over his knuckle. I ask him about the 3rd ring he used to wear. He says it will probably fit. I don’t say anything else.
Saturday was an okay day. H tore his last pair of contacts, so he was frantically trying to find somewhere to go get some more. Because I am a fixer, I’m trying so hard not to rush in and solve the problem. So I listen to him call 5 or 6 places for about 45 minutes. (H really does not do this kind of stuff well. I normally handle all appointments.) Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I could hear him getting more and more frustrated with every call. So I search and find a place. I go in and tell him they can see him immediately. I ask him how he’s getting there, being that he can only see out of one eye. He’s like I’ll be fine. I remind him that he can’t see anything without his contacts in. He says well I have one. I just give him a look. He asks me to drive him. I say only if you want me to. If you don’t want me to go, I won’t. He agrees to let me drive him.
So he gets the eye exam and is not pricing his contacts. The last time he got contacts, I paid for half of them because they are so expensive and we have medical reimbursement. Well, I was determined this time that he sees how my not coming to his rescue was going to be. (Granted it was mean, but whatever!) He negotiated with those people for the better part of an hour until he got the price down to something he could afford. I also know he is trying to save money for Vegas. (He had asked me for money for Vegas at Christmas. I gave him a gift card, and had planned on giving him more this week, but now I’ m not sure. It’s either I stick to my word and fund a trip that may include the OW, or go back on my word, which I hate doing. UGH!)
So while at the eye place, H starts feeling sick. We come home and he takes a nap. We have about 1 ½ hours before we have to meet our friends. I text them and say we’ll be there by 7 instead of 6. So I wake H up around 6:15. He just turns over. I give him another 15 minutes and try again. I know he wasn’t feeling well and ordinarily I would have been upset if he had decided to go. But this time, as he’s ironing his clothes, I ask if he still wants to go. He says he’ll go. I said that’s not what I asked, but left it alone.
We finally get to the restaurant, and the hostess says a table for 6, instead of 4. Turns out another couple who are friends of ours came too. Which I didn’t know, so I wasn’t sure how H was going to react. But he was fine. We ended up having a really good time. They knew we were both under the weather so any awkwardness will be chalked up to that. I apologized on the way out saying I didn’t know the other couple was going to be there. He said it was fine.
As I was running out of the house, I grab my H’s extra ring. I get in the car and just hand it to him. He looks at me and just puts it on. (And it’s been on every since!)
Sunday was rather uneventful. I was feeling bad, so I was in bed most of the day. H said something about stretching out and taking a nap. I said mischievously that he could always come lay down in bed with me. We go out to run some errands, and come back home. My mother gave me a home remedy that she said would help us feel better. Of course it included alcohol. So we made it last night while we watched the Grammys. And proceeded to get lit like a Christmas tree. LOL that was funny. Helped my morning today go VERY well. LOL
Anyway, I think the weekend was salvaged overall. The intimacy is still there, although still no ML. Is it possible he thinks he’s cheating on the OW by ML to me? Just the thought makes my blood boil. But we’ve still being doing everything but that. He’s even started doing things he did when were just dating, like bringing me warm washcloths afterwards. (I was so surprised by this. He just started doing it a couple of days ago. I'm not even sure he realizes it.)
So that’s my saga. I think I’m somewhat back to normal mentally and emotionally today. Hopefully anyway. I’m still not 100% on the health scale, and I’m sure the stress of all is adding to it.
Don’t swing the 2x4s too hard!
P.S. Shout out to Brian (and his girlfriend) for keeping me company with Words With Friends! It really helped!
