MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

Cadet,

I've done what you've suggested, I assume you'll know I have. I also looked back at your original sitch, I wanted to understand where you were coming from. It's very clear to me that my sitch is significantly different from yours, and since you're relatively new to my thread, I wanted to be sure you understand this as well as you think you do. I have no doubt of your expertise in MLC, but I do doubt your skills in understanding my W. When I read the "MLC Profile" in the resources links and from the book review site, I don't really fit the stereotype emotional pursuer, nor does my W fit the emotional distancer. There is *some* of that going on, but it is not cut and dry.

If you pretend that you're not sure my W is having an MLC, or that I'm egregiously pursuing, are there some questions I could answer for you that would help you to confirm your understanding?

I think if we go through that exercise, I'll feel better about following your suggestions because I'll know you "get it". I do feel I'm playing with fire experimenting with my marriage while we're getting things back on track, so I want to be sure we know what we're dealing with.

WRT my MC session tonight, I assume you did not find MC very helpful. I will say I think the therapist I have is very good, he's the third one I went to before I engaged W to come. Given what we're reading about pursuing, I'm not sure how to handle the session tonight, I assume I'm better off not having any asks. I was going to go with "let me be happy and stop looking for problems" type theme.

Also, we've established some habits. Each night when we go to bed, I put my arm around her and she puts her head on my chest. From most of what I've read, that's a very positive practice because it reinforces pair bonding and helps you let go of any accumulated resentments. Per Althol Kay it's also an "alpha move". Now this could also be perceived as pursuing, because I have to make the first move, she can't put her head on my chest unless I move my arm under her pillow first to make room. She really seems to enjoy when we do this, and waits for me to move my arm. We tend to do it when we wake up too.

From my perspective, this is a major positive change in our relationship -- same bed time, physical connection each night and morning, etc. Historically, she would go to bed first and I would just do my own thing until I got tired. Most nights she'd be asleep before I came to bed.

If I disrupt this pattern, she's going to feel punished -- I can't very well say I don't want to do it anymore and stay credible. Here's what I have done:

-- I've stopped kissing her, if she wants to kiss, she can kiss me. She has been kissing me before we fall asleep, but she's initiating that. It's quick and non-passionate, but it's a kiss.
-- I've stopped complimenting her (few weeks now)
-- I've stopped inviting her to connect during the evening, if she wants to talk to me she can seek me out -- she has been.
-- I've stopped spooning her after ML, if she wants to cuddle she can come to me (she has been)
-- I used to get her coffee on Sunday morning. I stopped doing that about a month ago

Things I can still do to cease pursuit:

-- We've been connecting each day at work via Skype, I probably initiate that 80% of the time, I will cease doing so.
-- When she travels for business, I've been putting a card or a note in her bag. I will stop doing that. It's been several weeks since she traveled, she's getting on a plane for the day tomorrow -- no note.
-- I like to do a date night once per week. One of her historic complaints is that I would never line up the sitter. I did that a couple times but she just said that it's easier if she does it. Now, if we've gone a week with no date night, I'll usually point it out and ask her when she wants to go for the coming week. I'll stop doing that and just let her bring it up.

Here's the thing Cadet, I was not a historical pursuer, I was more the stereotype sexual pursuer and emotional distancer. It was that emotional distancing that lead to the bomb. That's why I'm hesitant to do emotional distancing now -- I know how to do it very well. The emotional pursuing and connecting have been 180's for me, and they take work on my part, they do not come naturally.

I've been doing them as 180's, and because my security in the relationship has been shaken. As time has passed and I've regained comfort, the pursuing behavior has been throttling back on it's own -- I firmly believe it's a transitional issue versus a character issue.

That said, I can accelerate outside of my comfort zone the emotional distancing if you can convince me that's what's called for.

Thanks!

Accuray