Journaling here: Well, it was an interesting weekend. After H left for his business trip, I started writing down all my goals for myself in categories. Basically, things that I will do for my appearance, for my health, for my cultural enrichment, for my social enrichment, etc. I determined that I will have at least one activity with a friend or friends every week; I will have one free cultural activity a week, alone or with others (there are tons of free things to do in my city); and I get to do one paid event a month, like tickets to the theater, a play or a concert (really excited to get back into that). I will also look into taking French classes at a community college, the French embassy, various French institutions, etc.
H called and texted me every day from his trip. I did not initiate any contact and was friendly and light when he called. He kept saying, "is there anything you want to say?" Not sure what he was looking for, but I didn't take the bait. It's all on him to say things about R right now. It never works out well when I do, so I've learned from my mistakes. He got home on Saturday afternoon and I welcomed him home with a smile and he told me about his trip. Then I said I needed to get ready to go out to the movies and dinner with some girlfriends. He texted me a few times while I was out and I waited to answer. Nothing serious, just light conversational stuff.
Sunday morning, we woke up and he said, "you're an amazing person, aren't you?" Hmm, how do you answer that? LOL. I just smiled. Then I went to Pilates and brunch with some friends and H picked me up to go grocery shopping. Spent the rest of the day cooking healthy meals for the week, doing laundry, and straightening up the house (H cleaned, too). We ended the evening by watching the Grammys together on the couch.
I did very well all weekend not mentioning the R, getting on with my life, being nice to H and exerting no pressure whatsoever. I had no idea how long he was going to stay, if he was going to move out again on Sunday or what. Last night, he came to bed and I could tell he wanted to talk. He asked me what benefit I derived from us living apart. I gave him the answer that I had given him before, that being alone was peaceful and that it was sometimes nice to have my own space. He then said, "but you would rather have me not leave, right?" I said that if he had to go, he had to go. We left it at that and he snuggled with me all night.
Now, this kind of thing has happened before: H being really solicitous and nice and acting as though he wants to reconcile, only to blow up in my face when he declares later in therapy that he really does want to be alone. So, this time I am working really hard on detaching and actually GAL and having no expectations as to whether H will move out tonight or re-iterate his decision to separate in therapy this week. I already have plans for Valentine's day with a girlfriend and I am planning a trip to NYC in a few weeks. Although it is still not easy I feel better and more composed than I have since this thing started.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
