Angel, I do not think I advocated calling anyone out on their behaviour. That certainly wasn't what I was trying to say.
I have successfully raised three boys into men, with whom I have a very close relationship and I KNOW that is not how you do it. That is how my xh was raised, and I saw friends making the same mistake. Mostly you look the other way, but even so there are boundaries, for their sake and for your own.
And I agree about DBing being counter intuitive. I have DBed a several relationships very successfully since learning that obvious and yet so very non-obvious technique.
What I would say with the greatest respect is that DBing isn't always very effective with many MLCers. Your h had a very very short crisis, and I am happy for you, but most people here have been dealing with someone whose crisis was deeper and very much longer. I do not think you are intending to say that those spouses are all out there in MLC because of a failure of DBing techniques?
Don't get me wrong, DBing is a good technique, but on its own I do not think it touches most MLCers. It helps us, for sure, though!
My xh still after over six years, reverts to spewing, not only at me, but at his children too [not the way he was at all pre crisis]. My dil is a therapist and very skilled at dealing with people, so it isn't just me who is having a hard time! He has been dealt with with gentleness and love, only putting my foot down when I thought it was necessary for myself and for him, as I tried to deal with my children. The only time I got really angry was when he phoned me up to shout abuse two days before I was going into hospital for a very major [nine hours] operation. Am I proud of being angry, No, but there you go we are not eperfect, any of us.
DBing doesn't always work, and it isn't a sure fire solution, and we must never think if we do it 'right' they will come home, and if they don't come home we 'failed'. MLC really isn't that simple.
