Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Rickb - good luck to you. Its kind of sad to see how common these sitch's are for so many of us. I hope that as you take control of the things you can that you find a new source of strenth & love to carry you to something better than you imagined.
Like so much of this, the road is long so hang in there. You're not alone!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thank you, all of you, for being here for me. There really must be a "disturbance in the force" this weekend. LA bug's thread will show why I used this metaphor!
I had a dayful of conversations with my W yesterday which I'm glad we did. In some ways I feel a little better, in some ways not so sure how I'm going to go forward and create a new life.
We had been talking here and there about her sitch, mine and ours. It was civil as is usually the case with us but very emotional in some areas of it.
I was feeling that I need to break from her in some fashion in order to save my life. I wasn't really sure of what that meant other than a conscious decision to take control and a means of self preservation. I hadn't really come out and said it but as the conversations were going along I was playing with it in my mind.
The way it eventually came out that I was seeing how she seems to be happy here and there in all areas of her life and can show occasional passion towards those areas but not with me. I can understand her sitch and support it however maybe this is really the key to her troubles, that she needs a complete break from me in order to really see her truth. I wasn't trying to back my way into saying that I was taking control of my life, it's just how the discussion progressed. I said that I am moving to get back control of my life, that I will continue to support her efforts, and that I still love her. She can talk to me whenever she wants and if she wants me back in her life as a H in the complete sense and wants to work towards that then fine, let me know. I wasn't thinking in terms of a legal move to change things up, but just a conscious move with details to come later. I knew for sure I wasn't going to leave my home or leave my sons. Two out of three are still at home. She had been speaking about thinking that she should leave because she sees the damages left in her wake.
Nonetheless I figured I would give her a peaceful out if she thought it was right for her, and in any case I recognize my need to live again. She said she is still completely 100% trying to figure out a lifetime of issues of hers, is completely lost and has no idea of what she thinks we can be in the outcome of this because she hasn't a grasp on knowing herself or making big decisions. She reiterated that she needs to grow up. I said I get that and see it and support the process but if you want me out we can do this in some way that works. I in fact refuse to live as odd man out. She suprised me and said she is doing this to protect me. She is so lost that she does not want make any of the same mistakes she made throughout her life by making decisions based on inner trauma, fear and terror. She told me she is still living in a state of complete anxiety and fear but is facing it every day.
She said she doesn't know what to do about herself, then us. She doesn't want to have us split apart because what if it's a mistake? She asked me what I am afraid of. I told her that I'm afraid that if we end this, it may be the stupidist move we could ever make because we have spent the last year self examining and growing. This might be the best chance we have ever had to move forward as better individuals and as a M because of all this insight and evolution. If we quit just before the pot of gold that would be a horrible tragedy.
I keep seeing her paint our M in the darkest light and evaluating a potential future based on the past. I suggested the possibility that we could be a better couple than ever before. I felt that the things we stagnated on for years were habitual traits we carried forth from our childhoods and that I could see what a breath of fresh air it would be to live without that. I asked her if it was possible for us to remain open to any possibility for us as opposed to living through the prism of past baggage. We have been "dating" for about three months now and I pointed out that as far as I could see it feels like when we first knew each other and is always positive and upbeat. She asked could I accept it if we tried this and it didn't work out. I said I could if we gave things an open honest attempt to let the relationship be defined by what we have become and not by past baggage. She has said that we were so young and rushed into things the first time around. I said maybe this is the chance to do it differently, with baby steps, not rushed but as she gets herself together maybe our M can come together too but at a pace she can live with. I asked her if she could do this and I was thinking that if she said no, or I don't know I was going to move on consciously for myself, take control of my happiness and hope for the best for us. She suprised me again and said twice that "yes" she can do this with me.
I do feel good about that. I also realized through all of that, that if she had said no I truly felt I could be happy moving forward alone. I kept picturing myself living my life without her and being happy but having those moments of wondering where she is or what she's doing. I think it would kill me missing her but I also felt I could see myself building a new happy life. I don't know, but at least the door is open for us and that's all I really wanted all along.
My emotions have been all over the place this weekend. i feel like I just survived gladitorial combat and survived it alive, and succeeded in finding the one things I was in it for, a seed of hope. I just have to deal with a bunch of wounds in the process.
So to wind down last night, my three sons, girlfriends and friends all come over and we watch The Walking Dead. Nonething like a zombie apocalypse to unwind with!
So, here I am day one. I'm sleeping in bed (as you know separate rooms) and I'm having this very violent dream. I sense something standing near the bed and as old habits die hard I'm instantly awake and moving towards the target. I realize it's her just standing there, crying. She tells me she just read something that perfectly describes where she is and what state of mind she's in. She says I should go down to my MIL's and read it. I make my way down and read it and it sure as shyte nails it. It was about repressing and depressing fears that causes a callous over your heart, and that the only way to find happiness is to bring these things out and share them.
Well faithful readers, a seed has been planted and it took me a year of torture to help do it. I'm glad but still have so much on my mind. Still, taking control of my life is mandatory. This turn of events gives me some hope which helps me stay in this sitch, but I need to be sure I'm not letting her world lead mine. The question of how to do that, how much to move on while keeping the M progressing weighs heavy on me.
I am really happy for you for this turn of events. Like you said, it gives you some hope, and to me that conversation was good because she really told you some important things about where she is at this time.
Remember what she is saying to you - she doesn't want to make a mistake and she is trying not to make any rash decisions when it comes to your R. That is better than most WAS.
Yet, please in mind that she needs to go through her journey and get rid of her demons and that you have no way of knowing how long she needs to figure things out. So you might not "see" much progress yet.
But at least she is not giving up on your M. Hang in there! You have been rock solid up until now and if you still want this, you can continue doing so.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I feel your frustration, but I'm so impressed with the way you handled the conversation, and the way you handle everything in general.
You gave your W an "easy way out" and she didn't take it! I think your W is really trying to come out of the funk, it's just taking a very long time. You've given her so much support, don't stop now! She needs it!
I think you're on to something about the "disturbance in the force". I was not able to remain calm. I completely blew up on H. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. Well, H still seems to be "here", but now I don't know what to do.
Be strong, Rick! Show people like me how important it is to be patient and calm!
