You know what? I need to move on mentally, emotionally, practically and spiritually.
I've given my all for one year now post bomb (will be 1 yr in March). Everyone here keeps telling me to detach, GAL, have no expectations. I've really worked at this but not effectively.
I have looked honestly and openly at what I am and what I have been in the M. I was as loving and as supportive as any man could be for a woman. I was a great husband, a great father, a great friend, a reliable and trustworthy partner. I also see where I "f" up. I didn't have the self confidence necessary to love myself enough to not stop the destruction. I've looked long and hard at this. I know where and how I developed this belief and I see where it hurt me. I became bitter, fearful and whiny instead. I'm also taking steps to move beyond that into a newer more evolved life. I was supremely confident in many areas of my life - in school, in my work ethic, in real estate, in my football days, in my martial arts career. Where I lost this was in my M. I knowingly let my W and her demons control the quality of our M. That was not good for either of us. That lead me to assume full responsibility for many of the areas in a M and family that require two mature adults to work together. I let her fears take the lead and then let my fears bring up the rear. I allowed a life of being mistrusted as a faithful partner all along. I let her twisted need for constant attention go on for fear that I would be rejected if I confronted it. Through this I did it all for my kids - fathered, loved, coached sports teams, was there for everything. I believed that the answer was to work harder, to keep trying to crack the code of my W. I could not crack what she herself was not willing or ready to face.
And now she's facing it and that's good for her. In the meantime I'm still letting her lead. Her crisis is center stage in our M and family. I have taken on all the roles in the family - father, mother, provider, handy man, maid, cook, etc. I was willing to do this because I thought that if I could give her a complete safe warm environment with unlimited time that would help her see it all clearly. Too bad that I had expectations along with it. I believed that we were a M w/ troubles that could work together on this and improve.
She can only be where she is. My enabling this sitch keeps it moving along at a pace where she does not have to be motivated by not having me there. That's all she knows. I have helped create this "cake eat" lifestyle. It's too easy for her to throw down the poor, lost girl routine all the time, but then find the time to be happy whenever she wants to be with her friends, go out and get hammered, do all the activities she has wanted to do and they magically appear right there for her, run around with others including my cousin and ignore her own family.
The whole concept of leaving the road home paved and smooth does make sense, however if there's no me left, if there's no me for her to respect because I have become a personal enabler, then there's nothing for her to want to come back too.
She herself admits that she needs to grow up. She's not going to do it if I keep bailing her out. She's never going to see me as anything other than someone who would jump at her beck and call.
I am truly sympathetic to her plight. I've given almost 25 years to it in many loving ways but I let it kill me too. I truly hope she makes it but I need to swim my a$$ off to shore or I'm done.
On a practical note I have to bring myself back from the brink financially. I support a number of people and I get no help from her, never mind that my MIL who lives with us is now asking me to bail her out because she wants something different. I've got to stay on top for my company and employees. My house is in ruins. She won't do anything to help, and no it was never the opposite when she was home with the kids all those years. I still carried the bulk. She just lets it all go - everything, and I need an army to help me clean and fix. My boys help all the time but there is such a punchlist left to do its overwhelming. She has these two dogs that are hated universally that run roughshod over the house and defecate at will. I'm not old but I'm not a kid either. I have to think in terms of when my earning power days end and I need to live off investments. You know that story about declining asset values. When she was home with the kids I made up the difference in working extra jobs.
It's not working this way. I'm still not part of her life in any sense of a partner that is loved and shares in the benefits of a M. The only thing that's going to shake up this is change. I will not continue to go on as simply the hired help. If she can't figure out how to live in the world with me here as I have been for 24 years and then the last horrible year then how's it going to come to her if I continue to do it all?
Mach kept hammering it at me to take control of my own life. 25 asked me to consider what will I do if she never gets over her crisis, or never "comes back".
