2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[BklynMom]

I think the prozec (40mm) I am on helps with my anger and also as many Alanon meetings a week as I can make. Alanon teaches me how to deal with life.

This might sound insane but I never knew that if someone asked me for a favor I didnt need to respond immediately. i could say something like "I will get back to you". Other simple things like not doing everything for everyone. Alanon teaches me. Going easy on myself.

It helps me handle little situations so I dont blow them out of proportion.

Alanon meetings are mostly woman. Many of the woman have control and anger issues. Also no one at Alanon appears to have a honky dory life so its easier to be open with them.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic, and my H has some sort of issue with drinking but even if you see no direct link to a drinker in your life I would highly recommend going to a couple of meetings. It may be for you. It is certainly a place to meet other woman going through tough times.

I have also stopped drinking myself. I never thought I had a issue with drinking but even a glass or two of wine a night will make me crabby in the morning and right now I need to be Super Bklyn.

My prescription: Prozec, Alanon, No Alcohol.

You are doing amazing. Keep it up, KG

[labug]

Just have to chime in and agree with Bklyn on Al Anon.

[b]This might sound insane but I never knew that if someone asked me for a favor I didnt need to respond immediately. i could say something like "I will get back to you".[/quote]

This was true for me too. I also thought I had to have a solution to every problem NOW.

Al Anon is a lot like DB in concept. Solution based therapy, do what's working, stop doing what's not working, focus on yourself and detach with love. Meetings are not about the drinker, they are about you. All groups are different so try different groups to find one that fits.

Al Anon is open to anyone who is bothered by someone else's drinking relative, friend, co-worker,, anyone.

[keep_going]

BM, LB - I appreciate Al Anon suggestion and completely agree. I actually went to Gam Anon (gambling addiction) about a year an a half ago for about six months. I learned so much about myself and found so much support. I should look into getting back, as I find myself really stuck right now.

Although I first need to deal with some tricky financial issues that are finally coming to a head...

When H left, we had just bought a house. In order to afford it, we were in need to sell the condo we used to live in, but H moved back in there and didn't do anything to help get it ready to sell.

I tried from the get go to get H to work with me on a plan to sell it and work on a budget with me (knowing we not afford both mortgages). He ignored me repeatedly. I understood he didn't want me to control him and he also was so angry and so into his own "happiness" that he could care less about finances.

I made the conscious decision to leave it alone and not pressure him (a 180) and wait until he took charge of the sitch, even knowing this could lead us to eventual bankruptcy if things didn't improve. Risky, yes and probably even stupid of me. But I took the chance.

After 7 months I finally took control of the condo remodeling by doing all the work myself when I was 8 months pregnant.
Eventually had to short sell it cause we waited too long and the market softened.

We have also used up all our savings and are now incurring debt. For my part, I cut all non-essential spending (except for my therapy once a week), to help. (I know it was just a band-aid, but I wanted H to see that I cared and wanted to help without pressuring him with coming up with a joint budget.)

Now H has to find a place to rent. This has forced him to finally look at finances. He is NOT happy.

He called today to complain that we are out of money. (He has been doing so for 13 months but taking no action)., As always, I asked how I could help. He finally said - let me look at the numbers (bingo!). I thanked him for doing that and am avail. to meet any time and am open to discussing any ideas he may have. I validated his feelings of stress and fear and told him I am not afraid to make any tough financial decisions for the well-being of our family. He thanked me and we hung up. As far as I can tell, a good exchange and some progress!

He picks up the kids this evening and is in a lousy mood. I ask if he is ok. He goes off. He says he is having a lousy day and nothing is going well for him now. Repeats several times that He has no money, despite how hard he works and ends by accusing me of not doing anything to help - referring to the fact that I have not gone back to work as he has asked me to do several times now.

I was so hurt... I guess taking care of his three kids and dealing with an infant all on my own when he is only with them for 28 hrs. a week is no help. Plus, I have been clear with him that I would not go back to work full time at this time and have not found a part-time job that pays more than the child care costs.

But I held my tongue and just said "Wow. I am sorry you are having such a lousy day." I wished him good night and we hung up.

Next conversation will be budget moving forward. I have run the child support and alimony formula with a lawyer.

I have been advised that until he files, I ask for that amount or inflate a bit. Even if I don't inflate it, he will be shocked by the number and will accuse me of wanting to take advantage of him.

I know he is finally facing the financial reality of a separation - Same income, two households. Of course neither of us will be able to have the same lifestyle. I am ok with that, but he thought he could live like a bachelor.

I don't know how to proceed now. I believe there is a formula for a reason and I think that is what's fair in this situations, so I can live with that and sleep at night. But I feel like no matter what, I will end up like the bad guy.

So the dilemma is - how to approach this whole issue with H so he can see goodwill and fairness from me...

Any ideas?

[Rick1963]

Keep H will not be happy either way. He is responsible to his kids let him be unhappy. It is not your job to make him happy. So do what is right for You and the kids. Hang in there

[labug]

How do you feel? Do you feel like the bad guy? Early on I made some financial decisions re our separation that many people IRL disagreed with. I had to do what I felt was right and I don;t regret that now.

Those formulas are there for a reason and they are probably fair. No one ever thinks about how much it costs to raise children until the money has to come out of their pocket. It's his issue to deal with, let him.

I agree with Rick, your H gets to decide whether he's happy or unhappy, not your problem.

[BklynMom]

Now is an opportunity for you to really shine using DB. He is gonna start whinning about money and someone, no you, will say what did you expect. Reality is setting in. You handled it great.

So funny how H want to act like bachelors and live it up. My H whines to me that he doesnt even have cable at his apartment but only has his high speed internet hooked into the tv. Aw, its so hard when you leave your wife and kids and have to go without ESPN.

[keep_going]

Thanks guys.
I agree with all of you and my thinking is clear - my kids' well-being and future comes first. I guess I was just hoping to hear that it won't get ugly... That's going to be tough.

Specially when he finds out that I actually put money I got from disability benefits in a separate account I opened for myself. He knew I got $ last summer, but knowing him, he probably forgot about it and will be livid when he finds out. He will feel so insulted that I didn't trust him. Specially when he finds out that I put it away in case I need to pay a lawyer ... I know I will need one when this all comes crashing down.

He has said all along that he wants mediation - he doesn't want to give "our children's money" to lawyers.

really?

i am in a lose-lose sitch... he wants my trust, but he is not acting in a trust-worthy manner. He wants an amicable resolution, but our interests seem to be conflicting.

Should I just tell him that I put it aside?

Ugh... i just hate this...