I disagree - its not guilt. Its justifying his actions so he does not feel guilty! How many times had I cried so much because I felt that I couldn't do right.
Booting him out would only be doing what he wants you to do, since I could see from the way your H is that he is really conflicted. He wants you to decide for him. That will make him feel less guilty.
I feel strongly that this is the case. I have said to him: "I am not doing this for you." That is pretty much what happened yesterday. I was going to take my stuff back into the guest room, them I decided that if he wants divorced he can sleep in the crappy room. (When my one son was living in that room I named it Grand Central Station.....It has two doors and everyone used it as a shortcut to the MIL quarters.)
Lay out your boundaries and make him decide what he has to do about it.
When the fog was lifting for my H, the first thing I heard from him was how appreciative he was that I loved him and stayed throughout his crisis. How he could not believe that I had stood by him.
I hope that day comes.
He told me that all throughout it all, even when he felt so infatuated with OW, he knew that he could not throw away our life together, but at the same time, was so afraid of living the rest of his life in misery, as he believed that he no longer loved me at that time.
This is darn near word-for-word what my H has said to me.
In my heart, I knew he would come back to me, and I just had to have the patience.
Wen, I will ask you...what do you believe in with your H? Can you imagine what will be your situation in 5 years? If after this 19 days, he turns around and starts working on your M, will you forgive him?
My heart is feeling a little trampled. He says mean things, then minutes later says something to soften it. Like he said he wanted to be with her forever. Then he says why can't I just let him spend time with her 'til she leaves? If after she leaves he starts working on the marriage I would be happy. But I know he is going to continue pushing all my buttons now, because he just can't seem to stop himself. All that time when I just quit talking, now he won't quit!
Soon after my sitch started, OW had come to the US to do a post-doc for a year.
I knew that year would be hell for me. Yet I set my deadline to give up on my H for 2 years. I was thinking that after 13 years of M, and all that things I had done wrong as well, plus the fact that I wanted to give my D the benefit of keeping our family intact, 2 years wasn't too bad.
As the months rolled by, many times I wanted to give up and just kick my H out of the house. Many times I had to forcibly shut my mouth to stop myself, or even stay late in my office. I refused to have R talk with him.
The ultimatum I gave him happened 2 months into the time OW arrived. My H did choose to stay, and for a while, he was in huge withdrawal, not talking to OW. But they resumed contact, this time hidden from me. I found out through snooping, and when caught, he denied. Without proof, I decided not to snoop anymore and just detach, but later, he said they were just friends, and I decided that I will just wait and see how things would play out.
I just keep finding out about more lies. I'm not snooping, but hate to wonder what I would find if I were.
I counted the months and days to the time OW was leaving.
There was a point (September last year) when I again demanded he give it all up. My H told me not to worry, he was going to end it all with OW, but that the condition was he was going to do it his way. I agreed, and told him, OK, do it your way. But make sure you end it, and I will not pressure you, but after a few months, I will check and we will talk. I have to know.
Again darn near word-for-word what my H said. And I had agreed to wait. But her suicide threats and other manipulations are killing me. So maybe I should tell him fine on waiting out her March 1st departure. But tell him I no longer want to hear the reports of her weight loss and death wish. Maybe it should be his problem to keep to himself.
And my H kept up contact with OW, almost up to the day itself she left. But at that point, the emotions he had for OW was almost gone, and he was ready to piece. Once she was totally gone, it seemed like the point where my H really pulled his act together, and so far, it has been getting better and better, and now I see a future for us together again.
So I ask you... if you let him have his last hurrah with her,these last few days, will you at least stay or let him stay and see how it will turn out? What if OW's threats and all are just destabilizing him? Once OW is gone, will the loss of is stressor put him back on track? Is your M worth the wait, and the aggravataion of the next 19 days? As I just heard today in a movie I went to, will you stay for all the things he did right for the M in the past, and forgive him what he did wrong?
I keep thinking that I have been waiting a year and what is a few more days. I think the fact that it was a year on Feb 4th didn't help. And YES I think she is destabalizing him. And in turn making me just crazy myself.
But his constant declarations of love for her have pretty much worn away my last nerve. And him saying things to me right out of the MLC script just get old.
His most recent script was that he only married me on the rebound from his old GF. She was my roommate, he asked me out first, dated her for maybe 3 or 4 dates, and I know they never had sex. Now he is acting like they were practically engaged and dated for a long time.
So H texted me while I was answering this. His text says: "I need some quiet time. Getting ready to go hiking. Will call later."
So I guess I will take another deep breath, stand back, and just see what he has to say whenever it is he meanders home. He didn't take much with him, so he will have to at least come home for work clothes.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
