A real-life friend has been strongly encouraging me to drop the rope and to start moving toward D. Without wanting to accept the need for a D, I have been trying to make less contact with W, yet still am doing so inconsistently - about every 2-3 days.
Been very close to throwing in the towel, just quitting on the M in the hope of stopping the pain. But that seems wimpy. And I doubt the pain would go away so easily.
Saw her on Wed to pick up mail - met at a university library - no allowance for convo, but still reved the racing thoughts. She looked rough, as I'm sure I did as well. But I told her that she looked hot, and handed her some facial products I'd ordered for her ~ 1 mo ago, when things were going better, and her D resolve wasn't so strong.
Made mistake of calling her on Sat 2/11 and left VM. She called back 30 min later and we talked for ~ 30 min, sharing about her horse-riding and some drama in her life. I merely empathetized, tried to keep it light, but messed up I think by telling her that I loved her. She got uncomfortable, talked about not wanting to get into it, that it hurt her head, so we said goodnight.
I went out to a bar to meet with 3 other folks. One woman was definitely interested, wanting to go home with me. I had a few drinks and left by myself. I remember clearly thinking "to thine own self be true." There will be many opportunities like that, but there is no need to add confusion to a confusing situation.
When I worry about the R, I notice a weird stress response - both arms going numb/tingly, nausea. The D diet has led to 17 lb loss so far. I need to get to the gym to make such change healthy and to ride the momentum of getting trimmer toward getting stronger.
Im terms of other GAL work, during guitar lessons or while practicing this week, playing has a nice way of taking my attention off things. Off to exercise to do more of the same. Other possible change may include a change in hairstyle and updating my clothes a bit.
