Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Perplexing day, yesterday. I went out early in the wind and cold and trained for about 3 hours. My wife got up and went to work for a few hours to catch up on things. She had a full week working two shifts practically and barely getting any sleep. Plus she still managed the children's things at school and after. I told her how proud I was of her that she did everything she needed to do and barely uttered a sigh.

When I got home around noon I did a few things around the house and laid down. My daughters asked to rent a movie and watch it with their friends. By all means.

Later that day we were going to have a family meeting and talk to the daughters about a recent incident involving them, their friends, our car, and being really spoiled and unappreciative. Right now one of our cars (from an earlier incident) has battle scars where it had a fight with high speeds on a pitted dirt road. In the current situation we're in, it's hard to buy parts for expensive German cars.

When I got to my room I flipped on some mindless sports and rested. I so need rest. For several weeks I've been battling a nasty sort of cold and have been knocked on my backside. Competition is within a week and I'm nowhere near ready physically or mentally - or even emotionally right now. Guys I had been training with that day were coming up to me and asking if I was going. Last year I almost won the first race of the season - losing by inches. This year I figure that I've lost already. I'm not prepared at all. The sickness that I've encountered, the emotional attacks from my marriage, my spiritual dimming, etc. have all drained me and my desire to "toe the line" as it's called.

On the bed all I could think about was my wife. What was she doing, really? What was she thinking about while she was working? But as a paranoid man, I could actually picture her spending her time with someone else. In a less clouded reality though I didn't really buy into it. I turned on a fan, covered my head with a pillow, and faded to sleep for a moment.

One thing I'm battling with right now is outside expectations. My friends, my teammates, and others see what I'm capable of. They know my strengths and see what I can accomplish. Ironically I'm as weak a man as they come. Growing up and constantly being told that you won't amount to anything, how weak you were, how girly you were adds so much to your weakness that no matter how many times you hear otherwise you cannot buy into it. Even when you prove to yourself how good you are, you can see it as a once-in-a-lifetime moment or luck. Over and over you can see your strengths for a time. Soon, however, it's dashed against the rocks of past voices. I have this anxiety to prove myself to everyone and, honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to compete right now. I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I'll be ready for a while. But, we'll see.

As I rested my wife did call. Her voice was sweet, "Hey, Baby." See told me that she was heading into her next store and it shouldn't be too much longer. I told her that I understood and just to let me know if something comes up. Soon, I was off to dreamland again.

Jolted by something, I awoke and noticed it was getting late. The game I was watching was almost over. Home team was winning. But my wife wasn't home yet. It seemed late. The kids were still watching their movie - the sound of the loud TV booming off the wall near me. Anxiety began to fuel me again. She doesn't want to be home. She's might be meeting someone. Whatever my paranoid addled mind could make up spun out of control. Before long though she opened the bedroom door and stepped through.

She had this beautiful red shirt on. She looked so beautiful - always has. Yeah, she's put on a few pounds. To me it all went in to the right places. Her new jeans fit just right and her hair is getting longer again. I remained on the bed and smiled. "I didn't know you were done with work yet." She usually calls when she's heading home."

"I told D12 that I was coming home. Did she not tell you?"

"Uh, no."

"Well, what do you expect?"

"I know." She walked over to her side of the bed and crawled on, shuffling her shoes off at the same time. Sliding over toward me she started snuggling. My head immediately went to her neck and took in a deep breath. I kissed her and held her for a moment taking her all in with all my senses. The comfort of her being there was overwhelming. This. This is what I want. I want us to meld together in love and never separate. A connection that could never torn apart. Life though. Right? Life has a way of disassembling everything you put together, like a toddler with a hammer and a fragile model car within striking distance. Somehow I knew this won't last. But for the moment it did.

The evening went pretty good. We needed groceries and household things so together we went out. It was nice. It was normal. But I could still feel a coldness about it. We aren't right. We just aren't at a good place.

We got home, put the things away, and straightened up. Then we made a nice meal for us and our D12. D16 was gone with friends. Eating we watched our favorite show and my wife started drifting off to sleep. She had such a hard week. Soon, we went to bed and passed out. Three of us and a dog in bed. My thoughts rolled and tossed and crashed. Sleep wasn't coming soon - or late. My body was doing the same as my mind.