I think you might be giving her too much poser over you right now. I see that fear in you, that you want to change some things about yourself, yet you are afraid of doing those things.
What that also tells me, is that you are still looking way too far toward her for your answers.
The things you want to change about yourself....what are they ?
What are some small, accomplish-able goals that you can have just for you ??
The name Mach1.....
It is purely Automotive....
When I was 18, I purchased a 1970 Mustang Mach1. It was truly my first love....
Also, the Kaladi brothers thing. I think it is the 2nd and 4th Saturday of the month. It isn't something that they advertise. It is definitely a one store thing, and I think it is a joint venture between them, the bookstore ( Tidal wave?) next door, and some local volunteers there.
I tried finding something about it on the internet...to no avail. Let me know before you are going to make it one Saturday though, I would be interested in what their version is. I had always thought of volunteering at a similar one of those things that they have here on the East Coast. I went to one a couple years ago here. And it was well worth it.
Slow down Anc, and let your mind stop reacting to "what if's" and "what could be's ". Act from a rational state of mind, instead of a reactive state of emotions.....
Thanks Mach1, flew fighters in my previous life. Thought maybe Mach1 had something to do with that.
So how do I get to the point that she no longer has power over me. I am empathetic to her feelings, how she got here. Reading some of the viewpoints of Sandi2 and Crazyville, I am really trying to own my part of the R downfall. Maybe I am trying to shoulder too much of the blame, I don't know.
You are right Mach1, I still have fear. A lot of it. I'm watching my wife walk way from me. I still am trying to come to terms with it. She discusses her move to Dallas so nonchalantly. Like she is going on vacation or something. She is more friendly now than she was 4 months ago. In fact she is more friendly now than she was before she asked for a divorce. But states we will be divorced before she leaves, she is gone for good. My W is a very proud woman, I'm not sure she is capable of not going through with it. She has blustered about how bad her marriage is to her friends and family, how could she back out now. Not that I think she wants to.
I'm working on me, taking over control of our life. Here is a new complaint from my wife. She says that I have gained so much from the marriage, and have changed much since we met. She says I dress better, read more, did more with the kids before they went of to school. Also I am doing well at my job, she knows that I'm highly respected and well liked in my profession. But she has gained nothing from me, I've taught her nothing. She is only more miserable, cynical, angry etc. She has 21 years of marriage with me and nothing to show for it.
Yes I need to come up with some concrete goals on what exactly to change.
I want to GAL such that I have a life that is enjoyable outside work. Not sure yet what that will be.
I want my friendships to be permanent, not so transient. We've moved a lot and I've lost touch with some friends I shouldn't have.
I want the communication between myself and our sons to increase since they are away at school. Regardless of my R with W, I want to be the best father to my boys. They certainly deserve the best from me.
I take it day by day, but my overarching question is: If she leaves me because of all of the problems in our R, why would she ever come back to me? As my friend says, even though you have chosen to look hard at yourself, until she accepts some culpability in the R, she probably won't return.
After reading Crazyville's thoughts as a WAW, I had some serious reservations about V day. I decided to treat the day as if it was a new relationship and this is what she could look forward to.
I decided to take her to see the movie "The Vow", make a dinner and set up a bath afterward.
The day before I shopped for the ingredients for a dinner recipe from Epicurious. Took me 3 hours in the grocery store to find everything. I'm not a cook but thought I would try it. I put an invite and the menu in a card(not a valentine card) a set it by her favorite flowers; tulips. Spent 3 hours getting the dinner ready until we had to go to the movie. We enjoyed the movie, at least until my W said it just reminds her of all the things she has never had in our relationship. That hurt.
Once home I finished dinner; Raspberry and Kiwi salad, Filet mignon, lemon asparagus, and candied orange peels, almond macaroons, strawberries and raspberries in a chocolate fondu for dessert. I managed to pull it off without burning the house down. W thought it was excellent, steaks were awesome etc. She even helped with the fondu and we sat next to each other while eating the dessert. Actually had a fun time! She was on call that night so she didn't do the spa/bath. She fell asleep in my arms that night in bed, I eventually got up and went back to my room.
Next day we go to another movie. "Extremely close and Incredibly Loud". She really liked the movie, but was very quiet driving home. I tried talking about the movie etc, but eventually asked "why so quiet". She said that we aren't best friends and why would she talk about the movie with me. I guess the state of our relationship is summed up by this: during the movie I reached for a handful of popcorn and subsequently dropped a few kernels. She said in a very condescending voice "Nice!" My counselor said that is a reflection of the anger in my wife.
However, my counselor was very enthusiastic about what I did for V day and said even though your wife won't ever tell you, she really liked that. She was very impressed by my efforts. She thought the bath was maybe too intimate but the rest was spot on. My W's only comment afterward was that it was nothing that roommates wouldn't do with each other.
I realize one day won't change the years of pain my W has been through. But I at least want to establish a picture of what the future R would hold. ANother note is my boss wanted me to be in KY for a meeting with his bosses to brief them on some of my new ideas. However it meant I would miss V day so I said I couldn't do that. Before I would have not said anything and gone to the meeting. I never even told W this.
However, this week my W accepted a job offer in Dallas area. Starts April 23rd. No D has been filed yet but she says she needs to get busy on that. I still don't have a L. She talks about her new job with enthusiasm with me. How much she hates living here and can't wait to get out of ANC. Again stated that if we hadn't moved here we wouldn't be getting the D.
Last night and the previous night she laid in my lap while we watched TV. She hasn't done that in a long time. She was all curled up with her head in my lap, she even held my hand last night, though it was a bit ephemeral.
Last night she said her car was out of gas so I said I would fill it up for her. But between making dinner and watching TV with her it slipped my mind. So this morning I get a text 'Thanks for getting gas in my car". Sarcastically of course. She then texts "All this has been fluff. You haven't changed". My reply was "sorry you feel that way, but I know I've made significant changes. That doesn't mean I won't make mistakes."
So of course I drove to her car and took it to fill it up with gas. I have no idea way to do with her any more.
Here is another statement my counselor keyed in on. My wife has made it clear we are going to be D, but while at lunch with her friend yesterday, she says she is trading the joe in Dallas like a travel nurse job. Her friend was a little confused and asked "it is a permanent job". My W says "yes, but I'm only committed to 90 days. i will spend the summer there and see what happens." My counselor said don't listen to what she tells you, listen to what she told her friend. And the fact that my W told me what she said to her friend is rather telling.
So what is your thoughts, any 2X4's needed? My counselor seems to like how I'm doing yet my wife's comments do get discouraging. DB coach is amazed at the lengths that my W will go to get revenge or control.
When do you realize that your W is not coming back. I do not remember the last time my W said something kind to me, did something for me etc. Why and how will she ever get to the point that she will want to again? If ever.......
I almost feel as if this whole D is one big punishment against me. Maybe that is a rather obvious statement.
You may have covered this in a previous post, but what are you doing about trying to get out of AK and move to warmer climes? Your W has said now several times that if you two hadn't moved to AK you wouldn't be divorcing. So any movement at trying to get the heck out of Dodge?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
What if your W never gets passed what happened when you were drunk? She's held this over you all these years and continues to bring it up. But it's not just that one mistake, it's every thing you try to do and she cuts you down or discourages you from having any hope of better times. Can you live like that? If you knew she would never forgive you and if she never changed from the way she is right now, would you stay in the M?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In regards to the move, we were moved here with a corporate move. Meaning they pay for everything including any loss on the sale of the home. Since we bought in 2008, the market of course is down. If we sold it ourselves we would stand to lose well over 100K. If I wait until they company moves me then we are guaranteed to make what we paid for the house in 08 since the company will buy it from us. I have discussed selling the house ourselves. W doesn't want that and she doesn't want me to go to Dallas with her. She has said she won't ever leave Dallas and we may have a relationship in the future but it will be that I will live in KY and she will be in Dallas, and I can commute to see her. By the way, she has never lived in TX, I hope she likes it there.
There is still a slim chance the company will move me this summer, if not they have guaranteed that I will be moved next summer. If I thought selling the house and moving to D would help I would do it. Right now I think my W just wants to be away from me, so I'm not sure following her to Dallas is the right thing. What do you think, i know 25 mentioned this before.
Ironically it has been my hard work at the job that has me at the top of the list of about 15 personal that are supposed to be moved from here next year. Not all those people will be moved out next year.
I would be willing to lose money on the house to save the marriage. I'm just not sure it will make a difference.
read Sandi's post to you again. Maybe ask your w if she ever intends to let go of any of your mistakes....you have put up with too much and there ought to be a statute of limitationa on your "sins" and oh btw, SHE"s not kind to you.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
What if your W never gets passed what happened when you were drunk? She's held this over you all these years and continues to bring it up. But it's not just that one mistake, it's every thing you try to do and she cuts you down or discourages you from having any hope of better times. Can you live like that? If you knew she would never forgive you and if she never changed from the way she is right now, would you stay in the M?
I can't say much about the Move except you need to assert yourself at work and get out of Alaska. And stand up to your w. Don't tolerate the crap treatment b/c it's not attractive to be around a doormat
AND
it's confirming that you deserve it. You don't. No one deserves it this long.
see if you can find "Navy"s thread about being in the trenches. He's stuck in a situation where his w blames him for things he didn't even do...and it's a drag .
what do you think your sons think of the relationship they see between you two?
they are watching more than you realize and may be glad to be at school instead...is that what you want them to think of m?
imagine life without her, but with you being happy...
what does that look like? Can you describe it in some detail HERE?
Okay...so,
can you create any of that in your life, now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sandi2, that is exactly the question I keep asking myself. she clearly has never forgiven me for what happened all those years ago. At some point I started to resent the fact that we could never get past it, and it has affected our relationship greatly. The spontaneity and fun that was part of our relationship disappeared once all that was revealed.
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever forgive myself for doing what I did. I have let her beat me over the head with it because I have felt so guilty about it. But at some point we need to move past it.
To answer your question, no, I don't want this anymore. I can not be in a relationship with her if she will never forgive me for the cheating. As my first DB coach said you have served your time. She either needs to let it go or she needs to go.
I guess this is a long time coming. Looking back I can see that I was a little distanced from her because I knew she still resented me for my mistakes. Of course maybe if I had tried harder to help her get over it or read "after the affair" and discussed it with her that might have helped.
I'll give another example. 2008, before we moved to ANC, I'm flying out to CA to do some training on a flight crew since we don't have a simulator yet. One of the crew texts me that they are there and will meet me the next evening to brief the training. This text is received about 11:00p.m. EST while my W ad I are in bed. The text was from a female crew member, who I've never met, and my W asks who it is and I show her the text. She was furious. She called this female crew member right then and just screamed at her, asked my she was texting me. Ws she married, did she know how inappropriate this was etc. Just completely chewed this girls rear end. i was dumbfounded. Again, I had never met this crew before. I was going out to give them a check ride. They just wanted to know were to meet me. Scheduling had given them my cell phone number. All this was unsolicited by me and i had no control over it.
What I didn't know until recently, my W told me that when this happened she called he friend in Dallas, the one she will be staying with, and told her that some strange woman was texting me. She couldn't tolerate it, and he was considering leaving me then. Again I didn't know this until a few months ago. I knew she was upset over the text but I had no idea she was talking to her friend about leaving me.
I have zero female friends. The only interaction I have with women is work related and it has been that way for 16 years. Yet she always assumes that I'm messing around on her. She does the bills and the banking account. There isn't a penny that i spend she doesn't know about. She pays the phone bills and knows exactly who I talk to. She accuses me sometimes if she doesn't recognize a number and has even called numbers before. They always check out. She even called my boss once to verify I was were I said i was. There was a time in 2005 at my previous company were the captain I was flying with wanted to take me to dinner because I helped him get his check ride done after he returned to flying status from prostrate surgery. I initially hesitated but then agreed. i told my W but she didn't believe me and thought I went out with flight attendants. So naturally she called the captain to verify my story. There have been too many of those.
I have avoided anything that could possibly look improper. After awhile, I started to get resentful. Didn't really understand why she wouldn't forgive me or trust me. And of course my resentment would show through and that would just make it worse.
Was I the greatest husband, no. But I always wanted to make it work and be her husband. If she isn't ever going to forgive me, maybe she should have left me years ago.
In some respects, I think maybe the D or separation is needed. I haven't lived in years to be honest. I am not the same person around her as I am around everyone else. I'm defensive, guarded, hurt, lonely etc around her. I'm fun, witty, happy and carefree around everyone else. You can see how I don't ever do anything with anyone because it is likely to be interpreted as me cheating on her. Heck we are supposedly divorcing in 2 months yet she still is concerned that either I'm cheating on her now or I will have a girlfriend right away and be married to her within a year. BTW, "the only reason anyone will be interested in you is because you're a pilot and paid well" is her quote to me.
Yet I am ILW her. Why? I have no reference point for how a relationship should be anymore. How do you work through all this baggage? What if she called it off nd said she didn't want the D? It would require a lot of effort on both our parts to make it work right? MC and Retroville would be musts in my opinion.
Yet I'm not sure she will ever get to the point to put the work in because she feels I'm worth it. She has stated many times that "she deserves better than me". I know they say these things at this point as a WAW. But maybe she really feels that way. She has compared me to other men who are married and said point blank "why can't you be more like XXX". A few years ago I had had it and said "fine why don't you go marry XXX". Of course i apologized for saying that but she got under my skin and got the best of me.
I'm completely at a loss a this point to be honest. My DB coach thinks I'm making some progress but I'm not so sure.
