2nd Thread - After almost 1 year, I keep going

[keep_going]

BM, LB - I appreciate Al Anon suggestion and completely agree. I actually went to Gam Anon (gambling addiction) about a year an a half ago for about six months. I learned so much about myself and found so much support. I should look into getting back, as I find myself really stuck right now.

Although I first need to deal with some tricky financial issues that are finally coming to a head...

When H left, we had just bought a house. In order to afford it, we were in need to sell the condo we used to live in, but H moved back in there and didn't do anything to help get it ready to sell.

I tried from the get go to get H to work with me on a plan to sell it and work on a budget with me (knowing we not afford both mortgages). He ignored me repeatedly. I understood he didn't want me to control him and he also was so angry and so into his own "happiness" that he could care less about finances.

I made the conscious decision to leave it alone and not pressure him (a 180) and wait until he took charge of the sitch, even knowing this could lead us to eventual bankruptcy if things didn't improve. Risky, yes and probably even stupid of me. But I took the chance.

After 7 months I finally took control of the condo remodeling by doing all the work myself when I was 8 months pregnant.
Eventually had to short sell it cause we waited too long and the market softened.

We have also used up all our savings and are now incurring debt. For my part, I cut all non-essential spending (except for my therapy once a week), to help. (I know it was just a band-aid, but I wanted H to see that I cared and wanted to help without pressuring him with coming up with a joint budget.)

Now H has to find a place to rent. This has forced him to finally look at finances. He is NOT happy.

He called today to complain that we are out of money. (He has been doing so for 13 months but taking no action)., As always, I asked how I could help. He finally said - let me look at the numbers (bingo!). I thanked him for doing that and am avail. to meet any time and am open to discussing any ideas he may have. I validated his feelings of stress and fear and told him I am not afraid to make any tough financial decisions for the well-being of our family. He thanked me and we hung up. As far as I can tell, a good exchange and some progress!

He picks up the kids this evening and is in a lousy mood. I ask if he is ok. He goes off. He says he is having a lousy day and nothing is going well for him now. Repeats several times that He has no money, despite how hard he works and ends by accusing me of not doing anything to help - referring to the fact that I have not gone back to work as he has asked me to do several times now.

I was so hurt... I guess taking care of his three kids and dealing with an infant all on my own when he is only with them for 28 hrs. a week is no help. Plus, I have been clear with him that I would not go back to work full time at this time and have not found a part-time job that pays more than the child care costs.

But I held my tongue and just said "Wow. I am sorry you are having such a lousy day." I wished him good night and we hung up.

Next conversation will be budget moving forward. I have run the child support and alimony formula with a lawyer.

I have been advised that until he files, I ask for that amount or inflate a bit. Even if I don't inflate it, he will be shocked by the number and will accuse me of wanting to take advantage of him.

I know he is finally facing the financial reality of a separation - Same income, two households. Of course neither of us will be able to have the same lifestyle. I am ok with that, but he thought he could live like a bachelor.

I don't know how to proceed now. I believe there is a formula for a reason and I think that is what's fair in this situations, so I can live with that and sleep at night. But I feel like no matter what, I will end up like the bad guy.

So the dilemma is - how to approach this whole issue with H so he can see goodwill and fairness from me...

Any ideas?