BF- I'm in pensacola, FL... it's an hour away from Mobile, AL. We probably won't get out to any other parades this weekend, it's stupid to fight all the traffic.... besides, there's a cold front coming through tonight, and everyone is freaking out- get ready to laugh.... it's supposed to drop down into the 20's!!! Gotta love Florida people: a hurricane comes, and they throw a party in the rain- but the temp drops below 60, and they go into hibernation!
============= Did some errands with my mom today- not too exciting, but got out of the house. I'm in a funky mood today. I'm kinda sad, not really motivated to do anything and really physically tired. H started his career in this town and S6 was born here, and we lived with my parents until H finished training when S was 6 months old.... so there's A LOT of memories around here. Not to mention evidence of H in this house- from family photos and gifts.... it's going to be hard to unravel H from my parent's lives as well. (I have no siblings or cousins- long line of only children. So I am the ONLY kid in the entire family- when I got married, it was like everyone had a new toy to play with= H. He loved the attention because he comes from a large family and was always 'just another cousin'. My dad even said that he is the son he never had- and treated him as such. My parents are trying to stay neutral, but I can tell that they are hurting too)
I tried to Face Time with my kids this morning, and the baby wasn't really interested- he just kept playing and didn't come over to the phone, but it was sweet to watch him for a little bit. Then I tried again after nap time, but he was still not interested.... imagine trying not to cry or take it personally. I did get to chat with S6, so it wasn't a complete loss. Then H seemed to want to rush off the phone- but I managed to get him to coordinate another time to try- tomorrow morning.
H made no attempt to small talk or ask how my trip was going, only seemed interested in getting off the phone. He looked tired and scruffy. Really trying not to think about/interpret what's going on on his head.... but I would be lying if I said that I'm not disappointed that he's not reaching out to me and doesn't seem to notice my absence. I'm not dwelling of what he might be doing back there as often, so I know my GAL/detaching efforts are slowly working. I really just wish that I could hear him say that he notices I'm not around. GRRRRRRRR.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Those sad days are awful. On my sad days I would watch a movie that made me feel better. Under the Tuscan Sun was a great one Movies about being left and moving on to find amazing happiness really helped me.
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
if this is his first real solo parenting (never mind OW help b/c he'll HAVE to be alone with them SOMETIMES now and that is new to him.
And it's not easy. So you say he looks tired and scruffy?
Well I'd connect the dots. NOT saying it means he'll be all into YOU & regret his choice, yet, but he IS facing some of the unintended consequences.
*He has to discover them on his own. Don't point them out.
he sure will have his eyes opened more about how hard and wearing it is when you are home all day & he's interacting with adults and when he comes home you've got 4 things stored up to tell him
but he wants to relax or rest or vent about work. Recipe for failure? Sometimes...
Leave him to these discoveries. Like how much easier things can be when you are there helping....HE may well improve as a father. That is NO SMALL FEAT..
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Background: S6 has a 'project' due on the 13th. The teacher sent it home 2 weeks ago. I had been working with S a little each day on perfecting his sentences using good handwriting. I left all the work we had done in a folder with the due date written on the front (I didn't want to do too much to where H thought I was controlling or insulting his abilities.) I ensured he saw it and knew what it was.
Today: (the day before it's due) I get a call- and H is pi$$ed!! The conversation was long- but without going into all the details- H complained about how he doesn't know about S's daily school routines and was basically 'thrown into' this sitch. He didn't directly blame me, but he was pointing the finger at the teacher and in my direction for why he failed to do anything with this project all week long.
I held my tongue the whole time and only helped to solve the problem from this point on (I guess that SBA was taking over me!) Of course, the whole time I really wanted to yell at him for: 1. waiting until the NIGHT BEFORE to START the project when he's clearly had all week to do so... 2. For blaming everyone else except himself for this current problem. But I've adapted a new approach to dealing with him (and everyone for that matter)- if what I *want* to say doesn't help the problem and it's only purpose is to make someone feel bad- than it doesn't need to be said. [really wish I learned that concept A LONG TIME AGO!!]
He started criticizing himself because he think the teacher will think he's a cr@ppy parent.... Here's my clip for the academy awards: I said: "Mistakes happen. And S6 will be sending in some work as a good faith gesture- that's better than most kids would. I don't think anyone will think you're a cr@ppy parent, and *I* know you're not." His response: "Well, thank you. That makes me feel a little better."
I called back at bedtime to talk to S6, he was STILL working on it! H called me an HOUR later (they were in the car-why?!) and said that he was sorry but the kids had already fallen asleep. Here's his story: They were driving home after having to go over to OW's house because his laptop was there and S needed pictures that were on it for the project, and they were on their way back home now. He apologized for me not getting to talk with them tonight.
I didn't say the 100 questions or 1000 statements about the problems with this whole entire sitch!! But between you, me and my keyboard: The fact that his laptop was at her house brings up a lot of bad thoughts and feelings about the level of their relationship and how involved she is with my kids....
Unfortunately, my efforts to stop thinking about these things and them- led to me crying harder than I have in over a month. Everything I've been trying to NOT think about during this trip- finally broke the levee and the floods came out. It was a therapeutic cry, which can be good sometimes.... but it's exhausting.
Off to bed early tonight so I can hopefully keep my brain from going to the bad place.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Background: S6 has a 'project' due on the 13th. The teacher sent it home 2 weeks ago. I had been working with S a little each day on perfecting his sentences using good handwriting. I left all the work we had done in a folder with the due date written on the front (I didn't want to do too much to where H thought I was controlling or insulting his abilities.) I ensured he saw it and knew what it was. I totally get this^^^...
Today: (the day before it's due) I get a call- and H is pi$$ed!! The conversation was long- but without going into all the details- H complained about how he doesn't know about S's daily school routines and was basically 'thrown into' this sitch. He didn't directly blame me, but he was pointing the finger at the teacher and in my direction for why he failed to do anything with this project all week long.
I held my tongue the whole time and only helped to solve the problem from this point on good for YOU!!! I am very impressed andI think, sometimes, DBing is easier over the phones. Not sure why. But well well done Purg. This is growth!
(I guess that SBA was taking over me!) Of course, the whole time I really wanted to yell at him for: 1. waiting until the NIGHT BEFORE to START the project when he's clearly had all week to do so... 2. For blaming everyone else except himself for this current problem. But I've adapted a new approach to dealing with him (and everyone for that matter)- if what I *want* to say doesn't help the problem and it's only purpose is to make someone feel bad- than it doesn't need to be said. [really wish I learned that concept A LONG TIME AGO!!]
better late than never...seriously. MOST people never learn this^^^ "secret".
He started criticizing himself because he think the teacher will think he's a cr@ppy parent.... Here's my clip for the academy awards: I said: "Mistakes happen. And S6 will be sending in some work as a good faith gesture- that's better than most kids would. I don't think anyone will think you're a cr@ppy parent, and *I* know you're not." His response: "Well, thank you. That makes me feel a little better."
AND THE CROWD ROARS!...CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!! LOUD APPLAUSE!!! clap clap clap some more....
PLEASE Do submit it to the Academy for the category of "Best Acting In a Marriage Category"
but know you are in good company and it's a stiff competition...trust me.
I called back at bedtime to talk to S6, he was STILL working on it! H called me an HOUR later (they were in the car-why?!) and said that he was sorry but the kids had already fallen asleep. Here's his story: They were driving home after having to go over to OW's house because his laptop was there and S needed pictures that were on it for the project, and they were on their way back home now. He apologized for me not getting to talk with them tonight. That ^^^ is new...good!
I didn't say the 100 questions or 1000 statements about the problems with this whole entire sitch!! But between you, me and my keyboard: The fact that his laptop was at her house brings up a lot of bad thoughts and feelings about the level of their relationship and how involved she is with my kids.... kick those demons out. Use a stop sign and baseball bat. Don't let THEIR stuff (and your fears of it and your perceptions of it...) into your precious soul. Stay in your sandbox and do YOUR work....
Unfortunately, my efforts to stop thinking about these things and them- led to me crying harder than I have in over a month. Everything I've been trying to NOT think about during this trip- finally broke the levee and the floods came out. It was a therapeutic cry, which can be good sometimes.... but it's exhausting.
Off to bed early tonight so I can hopefully keep my brain from going to the bad place.
good cry, good night...this was a turning point for you, no matter what else happens.
It's a big step and you took it. Remember this day.
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Purg - you did great. Sorry, the pain & frustration continue but you are handling things so much better and you're growing into who YOU want to be. I hope your H sees that at some point but regardless, its still wonderful for you.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Wish I was in FL! 