Don't know it anyone has read or followed my situation on the newcomers board. But after 4 months of being fairly estranged (she moved out in November) I wrote my w a long, heartfelt letter sharing with her all of the things I discovered about myself and the way I was (and why) in our marriage. Long story short, she was overwhelmed by it (in a good way) and wanted to meet up with a marriage counselor to try to process it all. So we went, and have our third session this coming week. They have been going well and in the last one the MC suggested that we try to do small, simple things together. After that session, me, s and w all went to dinner together for the first time in months. It was great - and we just got caught up on each other's lives. We went to Target a few days later to get some things that she needed for her place and then went to lunch. Again - great time - we had a great talk about her new job and the things that have been going on in our careers.
A few days later she asked me to call her and we had an hour and a half talk about our relationship. It was neither bad nor good - we were respectful, at times emotional and kind to each other in the discussion. She said that she had to go because the conversation was overwhelming her. In a nutshell, she basically doesn't believe 100% in my changes and thinks it may be an act. ANYONE that knows me or has followed my sitch knows that nothing could be farther from the truth.
I have thrown out a few things to her that we could do together (a concert, a comedy show) - including a meal with the three of us this weekend. No real bites on any of it. And the communication seems to be OK one minute - she'll initiate a text - and then the next minute she is a ghost. Doesn't initiate or respond in more than one or two words.
I don't know what to call this phase. But if it is piecing, or the beginning of piecing can someone tell me what to expect? Are there stages to it? I said in one of my threads that I feel like a 17 year old boy trying to get the attention of the girl he has a massive crush on...awkward....not knowing what to sat...not knowing what to do....not wanting to over or under do anything.
If there are any pros on this topic, I am ALL ears.
I wouldn't call that piecing yet, but at it does seem like a turnaround. Its a tentative step on your W's part to open her heart and mind to you.
What could I tell you as one who has been working hard at getting my M back together?
One is: Take it slow. Real slow. Do not expect anything. Do not push, do not overwhelm. I don't know if you have read the story about the squirrel .... someone here posted it so long ago, and I alsways remember it. Treat your W like a squirrel who you are trying to get to eat out of your hand .... you hold out the food, the squirrel comes closer and closer, but with any sudden move you make, it backs off, and you have to start all over again. Get it?
Keep on DBing - remember, no pursuit. Think of this as a time when you have to show your changes, and let her process it. When she is ready, she will slowly come back. You have made your move (the letter), give her time to process. Its huge that she is willing to go to MC with you. Tackle the problems one at a time. Look at it also as a time for learning. Open your eyes and ears to what your W is saying.
Yes, you may have changed....in your mind, and in your actions. But again, how sure are you those changes will stick? How does your wife know? You will have to prove it, and not through WORDS, but through actions.... and doing so takes time.
I thought I had changed, but now that me and my H are interacting more in a husband and wife manner again since we are now well into piecing, I find myself going back to my old ways. Just a week ago my H and I had a fight and he pointed it out to me. I paused and realized what he said was true.... and I remember what people have posted here, that we have to continuously work on our changes. So don't sit on your laurels just yet.... its just been a few months for you! Look at my timeline.... it took much longer than that.
Its is not going to be easy, so keep that seatbelt buckled, your coaster is still going.
keep posting and asking though....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
you are not in "Piecing" imo, til you both decide to patch things up and try to restore your m. And you'd both have expressed it clearly. That is how I view it anyhow.
But You ARE turning things around and Angel's post has great suggestions.
take it easy, big ships turn slowly. WHile you have been busy changing and growing and backsliding now and then
what has SHE seen? Not months of growth. Remember, the letter you wrote surprised her, so of course she's wary.
consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
It rightfully ought to take time to rebuild this and she's not wrong to have doubts.
Your job is to allay her fears with your new behaviors. Only that, and time, will help do that.
Not dramatic gestures so much as real changes in how you interact day to day.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
