Outside the Scope of This Report

[Kimmerz]

OMG!!!! Wendy...KML is so on top of it!

I would start throwing things, bury your head in a pillow and scream!!!!

Spit nails alright, and do it aiming at him!

I can't believe these people were once normal human beings.

Seriously you can't make this stuff up.

I am so sorry...I can tell you what I would've done at that point. Kicked him out! Infact I did that to XH 6 years ago when I got bomb #1. He came back a week later.

I know we're supposed to be supportive and listen to the MLCer, but what the hell is it costing us? I don't buy that stuff. For crying out loud, it's like they have no inhibitions when it comes to verbalizing their feelings but absolutely no consideration about other's feelings.

[job]

Wendy,
I could take one of those leis and wrap it around his neck until his eyes bugged out. The man is absolutely an insensitive jerk. Talk about the wrong head speaking and thinking these days.

Now, I want you to explain to me just how he is going to support the ow is she is so darn weak from her weight loss. Is he planning to carry her on his back from start to finish of the race? If she's that weak, she shouldn't be even thinking of running.

Okay, what will be his excuse after 19 days? He needs to go to whether she's livin to help her set up and play house?

Wendy, find a pillow and beat the stuffings out of it. Sitting quietly doesn't mean that you can't scream, throw things or beat the crap out of stuff. It means to sit quietly, listen and observe when your spouse is around.

He's one messed up dude and it's going to take more than 19 days to get his head on straight.

[Kimmerz]

Hey snodderly and Wendy,
yes I've heard that saying, something like the big head is thinking with the little head? So true, So true.

I agree with snodderly. One messed up dude, and to get that head on straight will be a while.

[WenikiTiki]

I guess right now I just need to get my house sold, move to CA, and just let him proceed down the path he has choosen. He hurts me and hurts me more.

We had the granddaughters today, they are napping right now. And in the car he was telling me how I am so critical about everything he does. That is so nuts. If I say anything he takes it all wrong.

It is funny, because I have spent years being his biggest cheerleader. I always brag about how great he is at the home improvement stuff. I have always believed he could fix or make anything.

I trusted him enough to sail across the ocean from San Francisco to here. On that trip I actually really started to see his flaws. There were a few times when he didn't listen to me, and we had problems result that could have been really bad for us.

I really feel like I have tried so hard. And when I say I'm not sitting quietly, it is because I just feel like I am just wanting to tell him off and be done.

And I want to talk R talk...... I think when the grandkids get picked up I need to get the neack out of here.

[BFloat]

i don't think either head is speaking or thinking. seems most of the talking is coming out of his a#*! i think i'd rather listen to him fart. much less annoying and at least the message is straightforward.

[WenikiTiki]

So I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted to get out of the house. My DIL picked up the kids and as I was walking back in the house my H told me he was going out for the night. I asked him to clarify, and he ment overnight.

He said he didn't know where he was going, OW's or boat. He also said he was feeling terrible, the anxiety was giving him cheast pains. My level of detachment is such that I really have no sympathy. I refrained from saying anything rude.

I know he is confused, conflicted, blah, blah, blah. I also know everytime I believe him when he says we are working it out within a week he changes his mind.

Everyone here knows the drill.

[beatrice]

Someone posted once that there is a fine line between being a doormat and a b*tch in all of this. The line between self respect and pride is also a fine one. But I think there are things we should make it clear we do not need to hear. I believe we have a right to do that.

I also think it is harder to have them around. My xh very firmly ran hard and fast, and although I felt at the time I would have liked to have the opportunity to talk things through and I got spew from a distance, I did not have the daily emotional abuse. For that is what this is. What kind of person says to anyone - I would rather have been with someone else - It is crazy and painful. They are emotionally disconnected, probably mentally ill, but it doesn't give them the right to say and do anything they choose.

I think you are doing amazingly in the face of huge provocation.

[angel61]

While it is true that MLC is like a mental disorder, and even if you can detach and view them as patients, its hard to live with the emotional abuse.

I remember in the early days of my sitch, after I found out about OW, my H and I went through a period when he was open to me about it, and would text OW in front of me, and talk to her on the phone. It quickly became too much for me, and after a couple of months, even if I did not feel prepared, I had to tell him that he had to choose between OW and his family. No in between, divorce or us. I could no longer stand the cake eating. When I gave him the choice, he could not leave.

Let it be his choice, Wen. The MLC'er will do everything they can to make the LBS so sick of them that in the end we will kick them out. Then we become the bad guy .... and they will perpetuate being the victim, along with OW.... we become the enemy.

If you read the MLC for dummies it summarizes it so accurately.... have you read that yet? Its been reposted recently.

[job]

Wendy,
Your h is saying and acting out much of the mlc lingo. You may sound "critical" to him, but you aren't. It's called guilt. He knows darn well that he's not doing the right thing and yet, his destiny is calling him to go down the wrong path.

I honestly do not know how you've managed to keep your cool in your situation. I would have booted him out after what he said the other day. He's a very lucky man to have you as his wife and putting up w/his bs.

Sometimes you have to call them on their behavior and I suspect that today will be the day to do so. I hope today is better for you.

[angel61]

I disagree - its not guilt. Its justifying his actions so he does not feel guilty! How many times had I cried so much because I felt that I couldn't do right.

Booting him out would only be doing what he wants you to do, since I could see from the way your H is that he is really conflicted. He wants you to decide for him. That will make him feel less guilty.

Lay out your boundaries and make him decide what he has to do about it.

When the fog was lifting for my H, the first thing I heard from him was how appreciative he was that I loved him and stayed throughout his crisis. How he could not believe that I had stood by him.

He told me that all throughout it all, even when he felt so infatuated with OW, he knew that he could not throw away our life together, but at the same time, was so afraid of living the rest of his life in misery, as he believed that he no longer loved me at that time.

In my heart, I knew he would come back to me, and I just had to have the patience.

Wen, I will ask you...what do you believe in with your H? Can you imagine what will be your situation in 5 years? If after this 19 days, he turns around and starts working on your M, will you forgive him?

Soon after my sitch started, OW had come to the US to do a post-doc for a year.

I knew that year would be hell for me. Yet I set my deadline to give up on my H for 2 years. I was thinking that after 13 years of M, and all that things I had done wrong as well, plus the fact that I wanted to give my D the benefit of keeping our family intact, 2 years wasn't too bad.

As the months rolled by, many times I wanted to give up and just kick my H out of the house. Many times I had to forcibly shut my mouth to stop myself, or even stay late in my office. I refused to have R talk with him.

The ultimatum I gave him happened 2 months into the time OW arrived. My H did choose to stay, and for a while, he was in huge withdrawal, not talking to OW. But they resumed contact, this time hidden from me. I found out through snooping, and when caught, he denied. Without proof, I decided not to snoop anymore and just detach, but later, he said they were just friends, and I decided that I will just wait and see how things would play out.

I counted the months and days to the time OW was leaving.

There was a point (September last year) when I again demanded he give it all up. My H told me not to worry, he was going to end it all with OW, but that the condition was he was going to do it his way. I agreed, and told him, OK, do it your way. But make sure you end it, and I will not pressure you, but after a few months, I will check and we will talk. I have to know.

And my H kept up contact with OW, almost up to the day itself she left. But at that point, the emotions he had for OW was almost gone, and he was ready to piece. Once she was totally gone, it seemed like the point where my H really pulled his act together, and so far, it has been getting better and better, and now I see a future for us together again.

So I ask you... if you let him have his last hurrah with her,these last few days, will you at least stay or let him stay and see how it will turn out? What if OW's threats and all are just destabilizing him? Once OW is gone, will the loss of is stressor put him back on track? Is your M worth the wait, and the aggravataion of the next 19 days? As I just heard today in a movie I went to, will you stay for all the things he did right for the M in the past, and forgive him what he did wrong?