New trying to DB-Help!

[jlove]

and I have to let her go because of my past, and I have to respect myself enough to NOT be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

How about we turn that statment around and say you respect the fact that she doesn't want to be with you right now.

You are not the victim here. Only if you choose to be.

It is not the fact that you failed. It is how you decide to recover from that failure.[/color] I know, I did this to myself and that is what's killing me right now. That and that when I finally "get it" it was too late for us. Maybe some other woman down the line will benefit, and of course my kids and myself will, but I'm not ready to quit on my marriage yet. It's the living in purgatory with no love in return that is eating away at me. I deserve it after all these years, but it still hurts and is harder than anything I've ever done. I do want to die sometimes and was in the process of killing myself before all of this sparked an interest in life again, so that and my improved physical health is a positive from this in an sick self-centered way. I guess I've been crying out for help, but too much of a wimp to actually ask for it.

So I see you walking out on the discussion because that stings for you. The complaints from your W and her family about you or how they thought you should not have gotten married sting.

WHY?
[color:#FF0000] The MIL wasn't directly talking about us and W wasn't saying anything, though my W has told me over the years that she told her that advice back when she was 18 as her mother did the same thing, then left her husband a few years later to never remarry. No she's old and all alone in the world, struggling to make ends meet, but that's another story.

I told W she should leave and I couldn't fake this anymore and be with someone who no longer loves me or wants to be with me. She said she understood but I was playing emotional war again her and for many reasons she can't and didn't want to leave right now.

She is right you are playing war. You are not getting and/or hearing what you want so you are thrwing a tantrum.

More of the same old jlove?
[color:#FF0000][/color] Yes, this is the old me, but is it wrong for me to want love? I am impatient, and can wait but I'm missing the little signs from her along the way to tell me that the 180 is working and we have hope. I know DB can be done by one person, and there are no guarantees, I just feel like I've been busting A+_ for 3 months and have gotten nowhere. I thought we'd recovered until a month ago, when she told me she couldn't live here anymore with me and had been faking everything for years. Now, I have to fake it until we maybe make it. I get it and it's worth waiting for, just don't know how long I can do it. A week vacation with all inlaws next month with no kids is going to be brutal. i really don't even want to go, but it's paid for and I think maybe we can bond more in that week without the kids around 24/7. Plus I feel like if I don't go, OM will happily take my place even though none of them know about it and she says that was a mistake, is sorry, and I can trust her that it's over with him. She understands my roller coaster rides and I really think she's more than I deserve right now, so I'm a mess and really see why she'd want out. That's hard to deal with with all the other baggage hanging around. I need to find ME, and I get that. Thanks for your help, TG!!!

I have to go J more later....