How 2 balance detaching & improving communication?

[2thepoint]

SIAS - you wanted a 2x4 ^^^^^

[sayitaintso]

Well I haven't sent the response yet so I was hoping for some more food for thought. Thanks 2 & Labug!!

Labug- She just made out, sex w/ OM is most likely a deal breaker for me although I'm not sure she knows that. She knows that loyalty and monogomy/faithfulness has always been very important with me. The end of our convo was flirtatious but she knows that I'm upset/angry or something similar about the fact she decided to make out with another man.

I feel the need to let her know that her choices are affecting others because she thinks that she can do whatever and everything will be fine or work out when all of our lives including our kids is an f'ing ish-storm since she decided to leave.

I want her to know that I am aware she can do what she wants and don't want to control or influence her in any way but that their will be consequences. I know that is common sense but common sense doesn't seem that common with her. Frankly she has been behaving on and off like a teenager which is why sometimes I want to throw in the towel as I see that this is not a person I want to be with.

The message I want her to get is that I accept she is on her path and she can do what she wants and doesn't need to ask me for permission but some of things she has done or will do will affect herself, our R, and our kids lives in a negative way.

I know I wansn't a great husband and frankly had no clue what a husband should be like. Dad died when I was 5 and I grew up with 6 women and no male influence.

But I think I've finally figured it out due to this crisis which I am greatful for but dam* is this hard!!

Appreciate the comments, I used to mostly lurk but its helpful to get insight and know that people care.

Peace

[labug]

I'd wait 24-48 hours before you send it because you're angry and hurt now and acting out for those feelings. Will sending this get you closer to your goals? Only you can answer that as I don't know what your goals are.

[labug]

...out of those feelings

[sayitaintso]

Appreciate the thoughts labug. W asked me again where i was coming from so I modified email and sent it. Here it is:

Hey- I wanted to respond to you but as I told you I'd much prefer to talk face to face as opposed to email if you are ok with that. How about lunch next week?

I appreciate your honesty as well for today and last night.

As you know, it was a real shitty work week and then having you tell me you hooked up with a dude at a bar, are open to dating, and are probably adopting (nephew), I would like to be able to process a little more and discuss and give you some clear un-emotional responses/info, make sense?

I believe that your intentions are to give our kids as much love and attention as you are able. I feel they are in a place where they need that from us more now than ever before. I love (our nephew) and try to express that to him when I see him. I do however have concerns and I hope you can understand that.

You have made it very clear in many areas that you are going to do what you like and don't need to ask permission from anyone to do so. That is fine but all of our choices do come with consequences. For ourselves, each other, and our kids.

I accept the fact that you are going to do what you choose. Whatever you decide to do I will continue to try to make the best possible decisions to do what's in the best interest of our kids and myself and I believe you will do the same.

Where all this leads I have know clue. I do my best to live in the moment, let things go, and be the best person that I am currently capable of being. At times it's a struggle. I know that I love and care about all of you, including (our nephew), and I want everyone to be as happy as possible.

As we've gone down this path I have done my best to balance letting you do your thing and also be there for you. Please know that I am here and am open to talk to you whenever about whatever. Xx

P.S. I'll buy

We'll see where this leads. No expectations but feel good that she should know where I'm coming from.

[Valeska19]

Appreciate the thoughts labug. W asked me again where i was coming from so I modified email and sent it.

So your wife made you squirm huh?

Hey- I wanted to respond to you but as I told you I'd much prefer to talk face to face as opposed to email if you are ok with that. How about lunch next week?

If you already told her once.. stick to your guns. Don't say you want to talk about in person and then do this....

I appreciate your honesty as well for today and last night.

As you know, it was a real shitty work week and then having you tell me you hooked up with a dude at a bar, are open to dating, and are probably adopting (nephew), I would like to be able to process a little more and discuss and give you some clear un-emotional responses/info, make sense?

I believe that your intentions are to give our kids as much love and attention as you are able. I feel they are in a place where they need that from us more now than ever before. I love (our nephew) and try to express that to him when I see him. I do however have concerns and I hope you can understand that.

You have made it very clear in many areas that you are going to do what you like and don't need to ask permission from anyone to do so. That is fine but all of our choices do come with consequences. For ourselves, each other, and our kids.

I accept the fact that you are going to do what you choose. Whatever you decide to do I will continue to try to make the best possible decisions to do what's in the best interest of our kids and myself and I believe you will do the same.

Where all this leads I have know clue. I do my best to live in the moment, let things go, and be the best person that I am currently capable of being. At times it's a struggle. I know that I love and care about all of you, including (our nephew), and I want everyone to be as happy as possible.

As we've gone down this path I have done my best to balance letting you do your thing and also be there for you. Please know that I am here and am open to talk to you whenever about whatever. Xx

P.S. I'll buy

Were you flirting there? I remember that you struggle with pursuing right?

Labug had alot of good points in her post to you. You ask for feedback yet you took very little of it.

Don't mean to hit you so hard with a 2x4.. but in all honesty.

What happened to the acting "as if" or cheery and content?
What happened to not pursuing or scheduling dates?
What happened to not saying anything about your changes?
What happened to not showing w consequences of her actions?

What happened to DBing 101?

[labug]

I wish you luck with that, Say.

[sayitaintso]

Thanks Val & labug. Yes I gave in. Its not that I was against the email communication but as 2TP suggested I could try to use it as an opportunity to have a face to face but W didn't want that so I looked at this as an opportunity to communicate and have some dialogue with her that we haven't had in a while.

She brought this up and requested it, not me, so yes I took the bait but don't feel I was pursuing but maybe she could interpret it as so.

She said she is also willing to talk in person but email is a better way for her to process right now. She wants to be able to read and reflect in black and white. I said what we are discussing is anything but black and white and filled w/ emotions and I feel deserves to be dealt with on a personal level.

She said she agrees and that she wants to understand my thoughts clearly. She stated when we discuss in person that we have a tendency to walk away with different perspectives and also said that old habbits die hard.

She said she is trying to open up communication, not shut it down, but in a productive way that works for her.

So I caved and we exchanged multiple emails last night.

She is concerned about the possible future custody of our kids and wants to know how I feel she has been as a mother to our kids since we've been seperated and how I feel her adoptiong our nephew will impact our kids.

Their is a part of me that felt she wants this on email to protect herself or use it someone for legal purposes so I kept that in the back of my mind during the exchange.

She opened up slightly which I told her I appreciated and did my best to validate. She said that she knows her decisions impact others but said its taken her years to be able to make decisions for herself and not based on what I or anyone else thinks. Also said her decisions are not easy and come with a lot of anxiety.

She said we have a lot of things to figure out over the next few months/years and knows that we both have the best intentions but not a lot of skill in working things out. I asked her what can we do to improve those skills (no answer)

She said the last 7 months have been very hard for both of us but hopes we can build on that and move forward, wherever that forward is.

She also clarified that she kissed someone at a bar, not hooked up and that she is open to what the world brings her. She can't say dating is completely off the table because nothing is in her world but she is also not seeking that out. (I told her that I understood)

Their are a few other concerns she has but says we rarely discuss anything besides the kids and work. I told her that I am here to discuss anything and that I have done my best to give her space to do what she is doing and not pressure her with anything and that is the reason I have been reluctant to bring things up, out of respect for her request. I asked her to empathize with the position I'm in regarding that and asked her not to assume that not asking about things means I don't care.

I reiterated that I accept and appreciate who she was, is, and is becoming and that I am here to discuss anything whenever.

I ended by stating that I continue to pray for her peace and happiness.

And then I wrote P.S. Old habbits do die hard but I have found it such a releif each time you eliminate one.

I never once asked her what she thought about me or us or what she thinks about a R and feel I did my best to be supportive w/o pursuing. She was reluctant to answer some of my follow up questions but at least I know a few of her concerns and maybe this will lead to further and improvement of our communication.

We ended the night talking lightly and joking on the phone for about 45 minutes so that felt nice but it for sure was an emotional night.

I'll do my best to have 0 expectations and for the 1st time when I woke up this morning thinking about her and what she was thinking I put the stop sign up and said "No", what am "I" going to work on or do today.

Baby Steps.

Too long to proof-read, hopefully it makes sense.

[sayitaintso]

I also have been feeling reluctant in sharing so much for fear of my W reading this, anyone else experience this? I mean we put a lot of private info on here.

The feedback is very helpful and its nice to know that other people care and we are not alone. Also feel that if in any way what I share can help another persons sitch than that is great.

W- If you ever happen to get on here and read my posts please know that I am here for myself, our kids, and to improve our relationship wherever that leads. I luv u!

[2thepoint]

SIAS - I've had similar concerns lingering in the back of my mind. But, since I am separated from my W, the likelihood that she is reading this AND can figure out who among the hundreds of forum members is me, well......good luck!