Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Journaling-

So as I've already mentioned, I went to AA Wednesday night. When I got home, W asked where I'd been. I told her I'd been at a church (not the one we go to, but one she'd heard of). She said "Oh," then a few seconds later asked what I'd been doing there. I took a deep breath and told her I'd been to AA. I think she was stunned.

There wasn't much other talk that night, but she did tell me she was glad.

Thursday was kind of a blah day for me. Just spent some time with S, read to him, watched TV, played, napped, etc. W came home from work then went back out to see her friend for a while. Still not much conversation when she got home, but the talk about AA came up again. I told her I didn't want S to see his dad doing what I was doing. She said that was good, real good. She seemed to be challenging me on my handling of S, seemed unnecessarily surprised to learn I'd read to him, more so when I said that I had been. She said she'd never seen me do it, and I told her she was usually at work when I did.

W: But you don't do it after you get home from work.
M: It was because I was drinking.

Yesterday, I had another meeting with my Pastor. He was starting to get concerned about how I hadn't pushed her to get into contact with him. I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on her, which he said he understood, but also said that it wasn't good to let fear paralyze me when it came to seeking counsel. We prayed for intervention, the pastor prayed for wisdom to know how to handle the situation when it came up.

When I got home, we had to get S packed up and ready to go spend the weekend with MIL since we're both working all weekend and have no one to watch him. On the call, the subject of marriage counselling had come up. She apparently remembered me saying that the pastor wanted us to see a particular counsellor who was involved in the church. She wanted us to go to church to get it set up (I think at her mother's insistence), but I had to tell her that we had to go through this particular pastor for it. She asked me to call him and get the information, that she felt awkward doing it since she hadn't spoken with him.

I told her that the pastor wanted to sit down and talk to her and hear her side of the story. He'd made it abundantly clear to me that he wasn't taking my side, and I relayed that to her. I also told her he'd wanted to contact her directly for a while, but I'd asked him to wait so she wouldn't feel pressured to doing something she didn't want to do. She asked me to set up the meeting. Haven't yet, but will later today, if I can reach him.

We began discussing dinner on the way down. We were both quite hungry, and decided on a place to eat after S was dropped off. W wanted to drink. She said she'd get us out of there quickly by telling MIL that we wanted to go eat and talk.

Well, we didn't do much talking. She drank mai tais and played on her phone while we ate. She did tell me that if there was something she wished she could have gotten out of her biological father, it would have been the time he'd spent drinking (meaning time with him while not drinking). I wasn't sure what to say to that. I think I validated, but I was pretty wrapped up in my own thoughts, too.

Here's the thing: she's going to go and talk to the pastor. We're going to go to MC, but I'm worried that the only reason she's doing this is because she's getting pressure from MIL to do it, and not because she actually wants to work anything out. I know that the AA thing is a big positive for my sitch, and her comments have certainly reflected that... on the other hand, she seems to be withdrawing from me a bit. She lied to MIL about why we needed to leave so quickly, and I know MIL really wants us to try and work it out. I also know that W has a rather adversarial view of her.

I guess all I can really do is pray that the pastor is able to get through to her in a way that she's open and receptive to MC. The C that my pastor wants us to see owes the pastor some favors, so we'll be getting at least some MC free. I hope she realizes that and that it doesn't go to waste.

It seems like everytime there's something good going, W does something to counterbalance any minute sense of hope I feel. May not be a bad thing, but I hate that we're progressing towards... SOMETHING... but no clue what it is or if hope is justified.

Weird day...