Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Not sure how to act day to day. My wife is so hard to read. There is clearly tension between us since the last fight and her telling me she's not sure exactly what she wants. She says things through anger and/or guilt in hopes to cover those feelings and get my attention.

We're together and she likes to be close. She likes touching and feeling. She likes kissing and necking. But it could be that I'm close by and easily accessible. Or it could be that she does love me and wants me above all.

I've pulled back. This has caused the tension. No longer am I the gentleman who comes how and immediately goes to her and kisses her lovingly on the neck, hugs her and tells her how beautiful she is, holds her tight and tells her how glad he is to be with her. I come home and make it lukewarm. It's a cordial greeting, a smile, maybe a light hug if she comes up to me, but it's not like before. When we sit together, like last night, I sit on the end of the couch and be myself. I act happy and content. I'm nice and sweet, but I'm to the point and direct.

I fear this may be pushing her away. Fear guides our actions a lot. As a "Mr. Nice Guy" these current actions are a paradigm shift. Clearly, they are not what my inner-self is telling me to do. The strong voice is telling me that I will lose her if I continue these actions. The division will be so vast that eventually I will not see her across the chasm. She'll run to the other man and I'll be left with an ersatz smile and broken heart.

On the other hand, I'm hoping that if I pull away she'll eventually see what she's missing and what she really needs. This will draw her to me and open up.

We need counseling. She needs counseling. I need counseling. But we're pretty broke right now. I want her to see that regardless something needs to be done however. It's us (the whole family) that is important. Not just the money thing.

My questions to anyone listening; Should I continue to be slightly pulled back until she draws close to me? Should I pull back even more until she breaks and starts opening up? Should I pursue and romance her until she falls in love even more? Heck, I was even thinking about leaving until she really sees what it is she wants.

God, I miss grabbing her up in my arms and laying into her when I get home. I miss putting my face on the back of her neck and smelling her when we're in bed - her skin against mine. I miss the playfulness and smiles. I miss the comfort in knowing we had each other and could gripe about our teenage daughters, our dumb dog who we love so much, and talking about the things we enjoy so much together. Things we going so great and we were really drawing into one another's being.

Then she pulls away again. Her emotions rocked by reality and the guilt and blame. Her shame telling her how much she needs something new - a new beginning with someone else possibly. And here I am left ripped open as the part of her that was so intertwined with me gets yanked out.