It really is a sea of uncertainty, and it was the uncertainty I had to live with on a daily basis that was something I would not wish on my worst enemy. But these uncertainties will begin to shift and change, and you'll find more answers in becoming a good listener, and using the db-ing techniques that apply to your situation.
For me it was a trial and error thing. I'd try one thing and it would work, another thing and it didn't. So you stick with what you see brings positive results.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. Get a life. I know it's hard to do that when we're hurting and we feel that all we can do is just stand still. Slowly find ways to get you out, and get a friend and schedule girl night outs, for coffee, movies, shopping, drinks, whatever... start will small things and build up.
When my h was going through it, he was spewing a variety of emotions. And sometimes it was just crazy. One moment happy, and within an hour two, angry again and cold. The mood swings for him were quite intense and switched off and on like a light.
During the day he'd email from work saying he loved me and was looking forward to coming home. Then that evening, he acted like I was the last person he wanted to see. Making barely any eye contact, keeping cold and distant. His moods were incredibly difficult to understand.... and the the thing is that they can't be understood because it is not rational. They themselves do not understand their own mood.
How I got through this was, standing back, letting him vent and spew, acknowledge his feelings by nodding and telling him i hear him and understand. When he told me a few times he felt like being married to me was equivilant to being locked in a prison, I nodded and said, I understood and that I was sorry he felt that way, and then I added... the only thing is, in prison we are locked in, but here there are no locks on the doors to keep you here.
I changed up the areas in the house I'd be in, I'd do different things and switched up my schedule. I'd be gone sometimes when he came home. I gave him a lot of space. I never pressured or pushed him.
Important thing is, I think my h conveyed in therapy was his strong desire and need and desperation for things to change in our M, but he felt like it was hopeless and was giving up. He told me a few times that deep down, he did not want to go, but he felt that going was all that he could do.
So I began to work on me and implement changes. I'm still working on me... this has been a long road for both of us.
All in all, do love yourself, take care of you, and do things for you. As you DB, do your GAL too. You will feel strong inside for doing so... it is baby steps but I cannot convey enough how GAL-ing helped strengthen me in many ways.
