Antonia, We are really on the same page here. As I look back on the past with xh, the PA behavior would come in waves as it was with yours. Like you said something would come up, then it would smooth over and you'd forget about it. That's exactly what happened with us too. The PA behavior can be very layered. I know xh would go through these spells that would just leave me so bewildered and confused. Then it would just stop, and he'd act like nothing ever happened. Life went back to normal and I wouldn't dwell on it because it really wasn't worth the energy.
When this MLC really started to hit, the literal manic/depressive behavior was just too much! I was so worried about him, yet I couldn't live with these mood swings, especially the nasty ones. He still swings. Im still trying to undersand why he's spewed like he has. But talking about the PA here has really helped me understand it so much more.
I just had a thought a few hours ago. Xh was being honest with me for the first time in our lives together, as brutal as it was. He honestly did tell me if he let himself get too close to me, he could get hurt and it would kill him. But why? Why now is he pushing me away the hardest ? The only thing I can figure out is that we had so many emotional things happen in our lives for the last few years, it provoked real feelings in him that require deep thought, and self reflection. Us spouses of PA's will be the ones to do all the emotional work between us, but when it comes to emotional issues outside of the marital relationship, we can't do it for them! I think he realized that and he really was trying to figure it out.
Due to the loss of his job he loved and had for many years, I do know that had to bring on an identity crisis for him. Who was he now without this place? What does he do? Where does he go? Where does he fit in now? But this is a situation I can NOT save the day on. This is his relationship with his job and all that came with it.
I feel the loss of his job truly was an abandonment. But because I couldn't make up for the sense of abandonment when he expected me to do that for him, in his mind I did abandon him.
I too have been thankful he is gone at times. As I look back at how complicated and twisted PA is, and really no hope but for a MIRACLE and that miracle would be for them to be enlightened and choose to change....well life with a person like that is not an authentic life for anyone to live.
The more I can understand this, the sadder I feel for PA people. the abuse and insanity that arises out of the PA behavior is horrible. But for just a moment I put myself in those shoes, and really think about how they must feel in order to really act out this way....I am heart broken for that person.
