one thing i have learned is a 180 for me with my h is making an effort.. I dont pursue, i like to be pursued... so I flipped that a bit.. and got a response...seems weird it could be that simple...any thoughts out there?
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
Well Valentines day was mostly a bust.. i sent quick message wishing h well, he responded the same..
THis is so hard, sometimes I just think he never loved me, he doesnt know how to end us and that is it... i am very down today. wish I could just crawl in a hole.
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
Hi l2l, I know how you feel. I was dreading yesterday for a week beforehand. I didn't want it to be a day of pursuing. But I also didn't want it be a day w/o good lessons for the kids. I helped them each make a special valentine for my wife. I was out of town for most of the day, and when i called to talk to the kids, i asked her if she got them and she said yes thank you. When i got home there were some there to me from the kids. So even though I couldn't really express what i wanted to, to my wife, it all still felt ok.
I know how you feel wanting to crawl in the hole, I feel that way a bunch. I reread posts, 37 rules, chapters from Michele's books. That stuff seems to quell the ache in my heart for awhile it seems.
thank you! I will go re read the rules... I know if I continue to work on me, and stay focused that life will someday make sense, I am just not the most patient of people... and when I want something i tend to go for it... holding back is hard. it feels unnatural and almost deceitful...
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
Well H came to town to see d, had her for a couple hours and brought her back, we spoke of us coming to see him... I just dont think we are on the same page... I dont ask questions.. though there are many I would like answers to..
Question... when is ok to ask? ever? I want to know where his mind is.. he says nothing.. to what he is thinking.. unless its in a moment of anger and then its awful, but thankfully that has not happened in several months...
any help would be so appreciated...
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
could someone please help me with a few questions... 1) if I am not suppose to pursue, but I have questions how do I ask? My problem is that damn wedding ring is still on my h's finger, we have not discussed divorce at all in a couple months yet he is continuing his life with out me... I dont think he is dating, however I truly dont know... I know if I am following db i am not suppose to worry about him and only worry about me, but yet I cant help it...
how can he be ok with this... for over 10 years I heard words from him that seem to be all about love, now nothing... zero... what am I suppose to think?
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
I had/have a similar situation. I finally decided it wasn't for me to know right now and I didn't want to know right now. What he was doing/not doing shouldn't interfere with my life. Obviously we both have things to figure out.
I had to quit worrying about what was going on in his head and live my life. I will know when I need to know more.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi L2 - As tough as it is, you really might want to exercise more discipline in the respect that you are reacting to everything you "think" your H is or is'nt doing. Be that secure, confident, and beautiful woman that he fell in love with. He wears the ring, has not filed for D, let time be your friend here.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
What do you hope to gain from asking the questions? Asking him 'what are you thinking?', 'why have you done this to us?', 'is there something I can correct that help?', etc. will only drive a further wedge between you and push him further away.
Men, especially, don't want to think. Once they have made a decision and made a move they don't want to be questioned on it or forced to think about it again. He will likely circle back around to thinking about the situation in his own time. That doesn't mean you'll like the outcome of that time, but he will revisit it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So I had mentioned to H about bringing the kids for a visit, it was just a "what if" thing, but he proceeded to really like the idea, and asked me several times when, so we agreed on Monday...
What a weird experience, I got to see his apartment, which he has nicely decorated, then he drove us around to see some places we went to a giant toy store, then to his work for dinner, he introduced me to his staff as his wife, and said a couple times "this is my family"
it was nice sort of living the fantacy of a family for a few hours. He hugged me when we left and said "I miss you guys already.." I told him we miss him too...he said maybe next time we could stay the night...
it really doesnt change anything, but it was a nice visit, and I feel good about making an effort, I just dont want to pretend or believe it is somehting it isnt...
Anyone have any suggestions as to what to do next?
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
