DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

Rick,

I'm in a hurry atm so I can't fully respond. First & foremost, I'll send you some big hugs for hanging in there as you have.

((((( )))))


ALSO here are a few questions so I don't have to review the whole thread. I recall your w having major baggage and issues that were pretty significant and that she's seeing a shrink. Is she addressing the issues or not?

Is there a diagnosis to her, from a doctor? You said someone said she's emotionally 8. What were they talking about and what was that based on?

If they are treating HER, what are they doing about THAT?

Does she have bi polar issues or borderline personality or abandonment (I'm sure you both have that)?

And btw, your own abandonment issues may give you the motivation to stick this out and that's great.....

OR it may make you stay longer than you should.

If given the choice between the two, I'd prefer having stayed a bit too long than quitting a bit too soon. But there is sometimes a fine line.

And I understand your desire to know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

YOU could create that line if you give yourself an internal deadline for your m to improve or end...

but you've said there's so much progress lately and then I read this post and wonder what all of it means.

Can you recap?

Shadow of the Valley of Death walk continues.

The more I focus on myself and my journey, the more I question what I'm doing. I guess I have to accept that my emotions are going to be wildly up and down as I walk this walk.

YES^^^
Maybe I shouldn't have a right to complain. There are so many people on this post whose spouses have left the home and/or D is imminent. Maybe I have no right to be upset. Maybe nobody has a right to be upset. Maybe hurt is necessary for growth.


IDK if hurt is 'necessary for growth" but it makes the pain at least productive. OTherwise it's all negative. Frankly, I'd like to "learn a life lesson" by having a GREAT thing happen to me, like winning the lottery...


I keep thinking that I have a right to be happy too. As I think in terms of how to live daily life, be fulfilled, and be open to happiness I find I'm getting angrier at the sitch.

YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT/DUTY TO BE HAPPY...how can you create that for yourself now?

Why is it dependent on her?



Last night my W was out with her friend for dinner and my youngest and I were at home watching a movie. When it was over I was feeling like I do not feel like seeing her when she gets home. It's because its going to be all about her as everything is right now. So I figure I'll go to bed and read and choose not to be in the path of a sitch that will be completely one-sided.

Anyway, she gets home and decides to come into the room, sit on the bed and tell me everything in her day, her dinner, and showing me the photos she took using the technigues she learned in her photography class, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

at least she's sharing with you. Rick It's not a contest. She's opening up and you are having conversations that don't end up in conflict. That's progress.



That's nice in an of itself, but its in a unatural situation. I mean its 100% one-sided. I'm never asked about my life. If I bring anything up she might acknowledge it a bit but move on to her again. I even see this in our family functions. No matter who it is talking about whatever, the subject matter completely comes back to her, always. The psychiatrist said she is stuck at age eight and I see that. I've got her next to me in bed, a woman I haven't touched in a year, who hasn't given me a ounce of consideration for my life, doesn't seem to get it at all, and is totally threatened by my life if it appears in any way to be moving on from her.

this^^^ is what I was recalling. What's the shrink's PLAN for her treatment? The prognosis? IS the therapy all about rehashing the past? I often think that just relives and prolongs the traumatizing event.

What is she planning on DOING with her life now? What is she SAYING to you about the m?



I realize that I'm responding emotionally to her and that's not detachment. And I know I have a problem with thinking in absolutes. How do I not be attached when I live with her like this? I wonder if I'm actually enabling her to live this fantasy life by providing the road home, the financial support, the cheerleading, the home, the time and space. I do have many interesting things in my life so its not a matter of finding things to do for me. In fact it would be nice to slow down some.


in a sense, every WAS gets to cake eat for awhile. Otherwise we'd be divorced. I'm not saying to do this eternally.

But don't beat yourself up over it or think you are a "dumbass". And I do see why you'd get tired of it. I get that.



How does one detach emotionally without just moving on? That's my problem with absolutes. I keep thinking back to my real Mom who lived and died by what I believe to be a samurai death.


you mean heroic? or like a martyr? Is that all positive to you?


When my Dad left her I was ten and came to the US to live with her. She never remarried and had an incredible opportunity to do that. She had her flings but they were away fron the home so my brother and I didn't see them. She was only 16 yrs older than me so she was quite young at the time. The point I want to make is that she could and would never give up on my Dad and her, she would not let the hope for the M vows die. Then, while we were still kids she gets cancer and dies. She made a vow to see it through, and not give up on her M and the family. I saw her waste away day by day and scream in pain, and ultimately die alone but with her principles intact.

ouch...(((( ))))


So, as I live this life of being there for my W, and being there for my kids, my family, my employees, my friends, I wonder how does anyone detach without a 100% goodbye detachment from your S? What is selfish here? What is self preservation? What is sensible? Do I accept that I will be a father to my sons but maybe never enjoy the loving company of a female partner again?

wow, lots of questions and too little time to address them all, plus I'm no guru.

Do NOT accept that you'll never get to enjoy the loving company of a female partner again. That part, I'm sure of.

Selfish/self preservation-- there is a fine line sometimes between the two. Look inward and deeply for your answers and try to avoid the self serving ones if you are not sure...err on the side of generosity if you can.

You can detach from the outcome, and detach from daily "results" without totally detaching IF you mean not loving her.

IOW, you can be the best man you can be and leave the results up to God, knowing you did your best

and letting go of the outcome...and still love your w....

you can swim to the other shore but you can't keep looking over your shoulder to see where she is or if she's following you. If she's too damaged to get better

or too sick to ever be a good wife to you, then you can say "in sickness and in health" and keep plowing-

but if she gets better AND CHOOSES to mistreat you, that is a very different situation.



I love her and underdstand her sitch. I am dying inside if I stay attached, but can't see how to move on and detach without completelty moving on. My problem with absolutes I guess. Maybe I should just accept the pain and time whatever it will be and stop bitching about it?

Kelli called me last night back in the UK, and she is suffering just like me, the same way, and thinking about when her Dad died just like my Mom and I'm giving her all this loving advise. She asks me when do I love myself again?

If I was dead today and having my life review I would give my wife more time with this. I would do this for my sons too.

I feel sick...really

Be careful about your own EA with Kelli b/c it hurts your view of your w, whenever we are treated well by the opposite sex at the same time our own spouse neglects us'

it gets dangerous. You of all people know this.

For now I am sending you prayers and support and HOPE...but the answer to your core question is

yes you get to be happy in this life time.

Do what it takes to get there. There is a reason Aristotle said "Happiness is a virtue". It does not "land" on us. WE have to create it.

(( ))