Shes not in contact with him at all. Thats why I can't quite understand why she is being so icy cold with me. I'd understand if she was angry but she claims shes not ( although I think otherwise) Thats why I wondered if the fog was still around?
"Thats why I can't quite understand why she is being so icy cold with me."
Because she didn't want you and went to another guy instead. Now that he's gone, she's moody. Think of it like a little kid who really wanted a piece of candy but was denied. They pout and throw a tantrum. That's what she's doing.
Forget about the 'fog' concept for a bit. If she hasn't shown any remorse or sincere apologies towards you, then she still doesn't want you. Period. Sorry but right now that's the truth.
So what can you do to reverse that? Even if she's icy, you stay confident and happy. Stay strong and shine even if she doesn't want to notice it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Thats why I can't quite understand why she is being so icy cold with me."
Because she didn't want you and went to another guy instead. Now that he's gone, she's moody. Think of it like a little kid who really wanted a piece of candy but was denied. They pout and throw a tantrum. That's what she's doing.
Forget about the 'fog' concept for a bit. If she hasn't shown any remorse or sincere apologies towards you, then she still doesn't want you. Period. Sorry but right now that's the truth.
So what can you do to reverse that? Even if she's icy, you stay confident and happy. Stay strong and shine even if she doesn't want to notice it.
Thankyou, I am staying very strong and confident and happy in front of her. Still got lots of work to do - for me! But am making progress.
Ok, I've had another bad day today, 2 in a row which I'm really unhappy with. Maybe I'm more mentally messed up than I thought? I used to be fine ( not great) with my W going out with her work friends and every time she went out I improved a little and became less and less nervous. Then the whole Nick thing happened and now I've got this terrible fear back that leads deep down into my soul. Imagine you were deeply scared of flying but you forced yourself on a plane one day out of love and it didn't crash so you kept doing 8 - 9 times and then on 10th time it crashed, that's the fear I'm facing at the moment and trying to force myself back on the plane! I know to many of you this sounds stupid but I look back now and see this is a behaviour I learnt from my W as she used to be intensely jealous and paranoid of me going out.
Finally my CBT has come and that starts Wednesday which I know will help with this as well as help me control my anger and stress levels. I look forward to it as I'm fed up of being stressed all the time and never being able to relax fully.
Sunday talk with my W this week I'm going to thank her for giving me the opportunity to have a really good look at myself because the more time goes on the more I hate me and what I've become, I've already started making changes but I've got lots to do. I really hate me at the moment and hate how I've treated my wife over the years, which I'm finally starting to see more clearly. I never meant to, I truly love her with all my heart and soul and I'm horrified now that I've had some actual feedback from her and had chance to read some of the threads on here, I'm disgusted with myself that I would treat anybody like that nevermind the woman I love and the mother of my kids.
Hi, I've been thinking and looking at my situation and it's been 6 weeks since I moved out and while I've made a load of progress my W hasn't at all. It feels like we are just as distant if not slightly more. Been looking on the marriage builders forum and I get the feeling I need to be more pro active. I'm almost definetly going to move back home very soon as I don't think it has helped in my goal to save the marriage it has allowed some space to sort out my issues and cope with my anger better. The other thing I've been considering is exposing the EA to her family and work mates, she needs to face the consequences of her actions which is one reason I want to move back Home but I'm not sure if exposing is the right thing to do or not? Please let me know your opinions!
Denton - I understand your frustration. I am in a similar boat as my W moved out a little less than six months ago and I have not seen much progress, partly because of my actions since the bomb and partly because there is an OM involved (and we don't have kids so we don't see each other often).
I also looked at the marriage builders forum and noticed that the principles they discuss there appear to be nearly a 180 from what DB principles advocate.
If you look at my thread, I also thought about exposing to work mates, family, etc. because I thought that would be the only way that W could see the consequences of her actions, but the advice I got here very much discouraged it.
I thought about doing it not out of spite, but because I thought it was the only thing that would stop it...but I have chosen not to do this at this time.
Seems to be a lot of debate on whether or not this is the right course of action across sites, but DB'ing seems to discourage it and rather place the focus on yourself through 180s and GAL'ing.
Hi, thanks for the reply, what keeps discouraging me about the other forum is they won't listen to what I say, they keep insisting it was PA when I have evidence in the form of text messages that it wasn't. The text show a running commentary of the whole friendship and it really does read as a normal friendship that got too close with disastrous consequences. I do think she was a little bit in love with him although she didn't say that to him and to be honest she probably doesn't realise herself as she is so far in denial.
However I'm concerned that living away (which was my choice-she didn't ask!) is now starting to do more harm than good, I moved out because I was so so angry that I was making the situation worse.
I'm concerned about how she's going to react when I tell her and my biggest concern is my jealousy, it is my Achilles heal and I keep seeing something out of nothing.
Right so can somebody decipher woman for me please??????? ??? ???
I was round at home tonight picking up D3 and my wife went out last night with some friends and she said there was something she needed to tell me, basically it was how she got hit on last night by a very drunk bloke and had to be rescued by one of her friends, but she said she thought it was best she told me.
Anyway I got visably upset/angry about this but I contained it and somehow I got on to how I've been feeling the last few days and told her that I feel like I'm on a constant adrenaline rush and am only getting about 3 hours sleep a night and for the last 3 days I've just felt like divorcing her but when I saw her tonight I knew there was no way I could live without her, we talked about trust and I how I've got absolutely no trust and she complained to me (very nicely!) about me asking one of her family members about something. And somehow I got onto how much she has hurt me with the whole EA and I don't feel I've done anything to her that even comes remotely close to the pain that caused. I said absolutely nothing about moving back in!
Then she started being miserable and her eyes were watering and she said "just move back in, do whatever you want! I won't be happy I'll just go back to being the old me" I explained to her that I don't want that, I want a fresh start and for us to work together, to be truly happy, I want the old marriage gone, learn from the mistakes and have a brilliant family and marriage.
So what do you think? Was that some backward way of saying that she wants me to move back in? She obviously has no intention of a divorce, I'm going to move back in tomorrow unless strongly suggested otherwise on here, as at least I can then start really working on the marriage even if it's only me to start off with.
Right so can somebody decipher woman for me please??????? ??? ???
I was round at home tonight picking up D3 and my wife went out last night with some friends and she said there was something she needed to tell me, basically it was how she got hit on last night by a very drunk bloke and had to be rescued by one of her friends, but she said she thought it was best she told me. Anyway I got visably upset/angry about this but I contained it why did this upset and anger you so much? And if it was "visible" then it was not "contained".
and somehow I got on to how I've been feeling the last few days and told her that I feel like I'm on a constant adrenaline rush and am only getting about 3 hours sleep a night and for the last 3 days I've just felt like divorcing her but when I saw her tonight I knew there was no way I could live without her, we talked about trust and I how I've got absolutely no trust and she complained to me (very nicely!) about me asking one of her family members about something. And somehow I got onto how much she has hurt me with the whole EA and I don't feel I've done anything to her that even comes remotely close to the pain that caused. I said absolutely nothing about moving back in!
Then she started being miserable and her eyes were watering and she said "just move back in, do whatever you want! I won't be happy I'll just go back to being the old me" I explained to her that I don't want that, I want a fresh start and for us to work together, to be truly happy, I want the old marriage gone, learn from the mistakes and have a brilliant family and marriage.
Do not move back in without tools for improving the m, which you lack. You will repeat the mistakes of the past and separate again and lessen the chance of truly restoring your m.
What's different now? I don't see it.
How will your m be better and different than before?
There are many BIG downsides to moving back in too soon
and few, if ANY, downsides to taking it slowly and rebuilding FIRST...you are doing this backwards.
You both are reacting in fear, and not CHOOSING to change for real.
So what do you think? Was that some backward way of saying that she wants me to move back in? She obviously has no intention of a divorce, I'm going to move back in tomorrow unless strongly suggested otherwise on here, as at least I can then start really working on the marriage even if it's only me to start off with.
work on yourself first. To show your anger AT HER OR TO HER for OM making a pass is not healthy.
And I don't know why she told you all of it or if it was to get that reaction.
Neither behavior is mature. Sorry-- but you both need to work on yourselves and stay in your own sandboxes (for your own work and not stare at what the other is doing to match your efforst. That is score keeping and it hurts m's)
try to rebuild this m
with NEW ways of interacting. What were your 180s? Did you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?
Do so asap if you have not OR you will NOT have given DBing a real try.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
