It is not what she feels or thinks. You should really try to honor her choices there, regardless of how you feel things could be different.
Me- Not really sure what you mean here?
I don't speak for Mach, but I know what he is saying HERE.
Validate her. Let her know that you accept her choice in figuring out her life. Even if you think it's F'd up. You can't change what she feels. You can't change what she thinks. You are NOT her brain. All you can do is focus on you and be somebody who is in control of the outcome for yourself.
Does that mean YOU accept her choices? NO. YOU have control over your life just as much as she does her own. Detaching means you do NOT base your future on somebody that isn't with you right now. Her choices, your life.
Had a rough night in my head last night trying to figure out how I feel about the latest development and talk w/ W. Their was definitely some anger that I felt towards her and being judgemental of her actions which I don't want to do.
Feel like I'm doing everything right for myself, for my kids, for a chance of a R and then get hit with body blows. I know I need to detach and let her go do what she's going to do and I think last night is an opportunity to push me into further detachment because I'm like F her.
I'm a little worried in how to handle it as I know she will ask me again about how I'm feeling and I know she will notice my further detachment but I know I have to let that go and need to do what's best for me (which I don't know but am trying to figure out).
We have been getting along fairly well as friends and an occasional flirt so I don't know for sure if I want to detach and go more dark because of the emotions I'm feeling from her telling me she hooked up with some guy and is not ruling out dating.
I'm thinking about asking her for some space to figure out what I'm feeling but I'm fearful of pushing her away when she seems to be warming up a bit. (at times)
I don't want for her to think I'm making her for guilty for doing what she did.(a previous dynamic in our relationship) I know that's her feelings and i don't control those.
And I know Mach and anyone else will tell me that I'm focusing too much on her right now but since I see her everyday I'm not sure if I should act as if everything is all good or be honest when she asks and let her know I'm hurting.
I do not want to be too nice and I have read No more Mr. Nice guy. (most of it) I kind of feel like a sucker and a door mat as she's going on this journey and doing whatever and I'm here as her fallback plan.
Is she cake eating? Do I tell her if she wants to date other people then I don't want to see her or should I assume she knows how I feel.
I just scheduled a DB phone session cuz I'm trippin right now.
I know my sitch could be a lot worse and I'm trying to be greatful for what I have but this blo*s!
Their was definitely some anger that I felt towards her and being judgemental of her actions which I don't want to do.
This is what has gotten me in so much trouble for so long. Reacting on my negative feelings. They are my feelings and may be valid but they aren't the truth. It's my lizard brain reacting. We have the choice to decide how we respond to that but it takes recognizing the feeling for what it is and letting our response come from a higher place in our brain.
Realizing what we feel and why is a huge step in the process. Stopping and thinking "I feel angry and judgmental about X. Why do I feel that way? What can I do about it? What is the high road here?"
Previously I would have gone straight from the feeling to reacting in an angry, judgmental way, trying to control the other person into doing what I wanted. What I thought was right.
Just taking the time to recognize feelings for what they are and thinking before acting has made such a difference for me.
Is it easy? He!! no! But I am so much more relaxed at the end of the day because I haven't left a trail of destruction in my wake.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
W texts me today to call her to talk about something important. I'm thinking great, what now.
She says she may have to file for guardianship for her/our 7-yr old nephew in the next few weeks as her sister is about to lose her kids.
She wants to make sure that I will not use this against her in the custody for our kids.
I tell her I am concerned that this will negatively impact our kids and her ability to spend time with our kids which is already lacking. Nephew is a very troubled child and will require lots of time and attention.
I tell her in no way am I saying to kick him to the street or allow him into foster care but I'd like to discuss a few points with her.
I tell her I didn't know we were heading for a custody battle to which she didn't really respond. I told her I'm not prepared to answer anything about potential custody of our kids at this time.
I also tell her that I love our nephew and see where she is coming from and see how this may be the best thing for him.
I'm concerned but want to be supportive.
Man, the day after she tells me she cheated on me a few months ago she dumps this on me.
You couldn't make this stuff up.
She then sent me a brief email stating her love and attention for our kids will always remain 1st.
I intend to respond to let her know that she is free to do as she pleases but their will of course be consequeces to her actions.
SMH!!
Had to get that out. This past week has really dampened my spirits!
My response to my w's email where she stated she knows she's dumped a lot on me the past two days but wants me to know our kids are the most important thing in the world to her and she would never make decisions or choices that jeopardize her time with them. (This is not what her actions show and not what's going to happen if she adpots our nephew which I'm on the fence about but deep down feel like its the right thing to do:
Dear Mrs.
I appreciate your honesty as well. Yes after having a horrific work week, having you tell me you hooked up with a random dude at a bar, are open to dating, and are possibly/probably adopting (our nephew) it has been quite a week.
I believe that your intentions are to give our kids as much love and attention as you are able. I feel they are in a place where they need that from us more now than ever before. I love (our nephew) and try to express that to him when I see him. I do however have concerns and I hope you can understand that.
You have made it very clear in many areas that you are going to do what you like and don't need to ask permission from anyone to do so. That is fine but please be aware that all of our choices do come with consequences. For ourselves, each other, and our kids.
I accept the fact that you are going to do what you like and you are free to do so. I will continue to try to make the best decisions and do what's in the best interest of our kids and myself.
Where all this leads I have know clue. I do my best to live in the moment and let things go but at times it's a struggle. I know that I love and care about all of you and I want everyone to be as happy as possible.
As we've gone down this path I have done my best to balance letting you do your thing and also be there for you. Please know that I am here and am open to talk to you whenever. Xx
My only comment is that too bad you can't have that kind of conversation face to face. There is so much to respond to and a letter/email just doesn't provide for the "in the moment" kind of interaction that might produce a more meaningful conversation. Of course this is only my opinion, so take it for what it is worth.
At the end of the day, your W will respond to this one way or the other. Also, I didn't really see any pursuit in your note so I think that is good.
I still think she is warming some and is testing waters to see where your heart is at. Again, just my opinion.
Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I appreciate your honesty as well. Yes after having a horrific work week, having you tell me you hooked up with a random dude at a bar, are open to dating, and are possibly/probably adopting (our nephew) it has been quite a week.
Did she hook-up (sex) or was it just "making-out"? Neither is good, but you have no control over what she does. Wasn't the end of that conversation all flirty between the 2 of you? And now you're pi$$ed.
Quote:
You have made it very clear in many areas that you are going to do what you like and don't need to ask permission from anyone to do so. That is fine but please be aware that all of our choices do come with consequences. For ourselves, each other, and our kids.
Do you think she doesn't know that choices have consequences? This sounds like a conversation to have with a teenager
Quote:
I accept the fact that you are going to do what you like and you are free to do so. I will continue to try to make the best decisions and do what's in the best interest of our kids and myself.
It sounds that what you're trying to say here is you will continue to make the best decisions while she continually screws up.
I think all you needed to say was something like "as becoming guardian to N will impact our children we need to discuss.
This from the recovering queen of condescending, controlling written communication.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
