Yesterday started being a good day. I was truly humbled by people...strangers...how nice people can be where I live. Within 5 minutes of each other three people literally jumped out of their way to hold the door open for me. I got cookies from someone else as a "thank you" and some chocolate dropped off at work from an "older" guy...he always seems to drop off chocolate on my desk.
By the end of the day my energy level was low and I started to feel down. Tired of everything that's been going on. Tired of H and his shananigans.
I didn't feel like cooking. I was tired, both mentally and physically. Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Well, even if H didn't live at home, I'd still have to do it for S4. So I started cooking. H finally shows up and the first thing out of his mouth are "Hey. What's for dinner?" I feel like I'm his mother. I just wanted to snap, but only did "half a snap". I just said "food". A few minutes later he came back to the kitchen and tried to do some small talk. I was calmer by then and answered when asked.
H then asked what's for dinner the next night. I told him that I was going out, so he can eat whatever he wants. He started questioning me with where, with whom, etc. I was vague at first, but he kept asking. I'm going out to dinner with a meet-up group..I think about 10-12 girls, so I'm really looking forward to it.
For the past 2 nights H has commented about dinner, that he liked it. I didn't say anything, but in my head was thinking that he won't have anyone cooking for him when he moves out.
While eating dinner last night he felt that he needed to act immature. He was drinking water and felt that it would be funny if he sprayed me in the face. I took a deep breath, then did the same back. Yes, it feels like I'm married to a teenager.
This morning he was complaining how he hurt all over. Hmm, I guess we're not 20 anymore, are we?
I'm doing what I can to stay calm, try to put a smile on my face when H walks through the door (even though I feel like giving him a kick in the butt). I'm tired of the flip flopping. One day he sleeps in bed, the next day he's on the couch. One moment he's grumpy and distant, another time he's friendly and chatty. Sometimes he says 'hi' or 'bye', but usually he doesn't. Sometimes he tries to be funny (ok, that's stretching it a little) and other times he won't look at me, let alone in my eyes.
I miss the love and affection. I miss the hugs. I miss him saying that I'm beautiful and that I'm the only one for him. The more time passes by, the more it seems to become a distant memory. I start questioning why I should put up with it. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. I want someone to want to grow old with me.
