When it's a one-way street...part 2

[Accuray]

I think I'd love to hear from Accuray on this. He's got most of his M back on positive ground, yet there's still an issue with sex.

Just to be clear, my issue is not with sex. My issue is wanting to feel needed and wanted in this marriage, and sex has become a focal point for that because of the significance that I attach to it. If my W was making me feel needed and wanted in other ways, my current sex life wouldn't be as big an issue. Does that make sense?

I wonder, could he give just 2 or 3 things that would make his current sex life more tolerable? Knowing his W's heart isn't really changing, just her behavior? Is there actually something there that would help, besides the absolute bottom line of her finding him sexually attractive? But that wouldn't be a baby step.

Yes, seeing effort on her part would make a big difference, even if she wasn't able to attain whatever goal we're talking about. The effort would be appreciated because it would represent that I'm worth working for. Are there a couple behaviors my W could do sexually that would make things better? Absolutely, as much for the effort it represents as for the benefits implied.

I guess I'm a little concerned that I'm going to end up in the same sitch as Accuray. I'm afraid I'm going to go down an ugly road, with all the sacrifice and hard work it entails, only to find that I truly can't live without trust, that I truly can't play the devoted wife to a man that is devoted to his entire extended family first.

First of all, it's not so bad being me

There's a very important distinction to be made here -- I'm very happy about the changes I've made. While I'm glad that W appreciates them, I would value them if W were here or not. My two female IC's said that I'm the kind of husband most women dream about -- I'm willing to engage at the level most women want. How can I not feel good about that? That's the key about making the effort to change yourself -- if you're doing it *for* H, you will be disappointed, because in many cases nothing he would do or say would show adequate appreciation for someone who's been through what you've been through. Bottom line for me is no regrets.

Here's another way to look at my sitch if it helps. You know how at work you can get into a rut? You wake up, put on the comfortable clothes that are closest at hand, eat a tasteless breakfast because it's quick and you're running late, drive your 8 year old Honda Accord to work, and kind of zone out through your day, getting your work done but just not really caring about it that much? At lunch you grab a tuna sandwich from the vending machine because you don't want to deal with going out and figuring out where to eat, and you punch out right at 5:00 and head home.

You can get comfortable doing that -- when things go wrong it's not that big a deal, when things go well, that's fine, but you're not really invested so you just don't care that much either way. That's a safe place, because you don't get hurt, but you also don't get any thrill from it.

My marriage got to a place like that, and looking around at my friends and family, that is a common trap for longer term marriages I believe. You're there, but you're not really invested in the moment. Once in a while you'll have a great night or a good day, but for the most part things are routine.

After my bomb drop, I "woke up" as it were. Now when I go to work I take the time to like how I dress, I spend more time preparing and eating a good breakfast. I'm engaged in the job, and will stay early or late to make sure things are delivered in the best way possible. When lunchtime comes, I make sure I eat something I enjoy. I traded in the Accord and bought a car with a stick shift that's fun to drive! When things go well I want to pump my fist in the air and say "YEAH!" and when things go bad, I take it hard. (Remember, this is just an analogy, my job isn't THAT great)

So I'm saying "come on W, let's attack this together! Let's have a great marriage, let's kick it up a notch!" She's saying "my Honda accord is fine, I'm ok eating tuna from the vending machine, my job's getting done, I don't see what the problem is"

So am I worse off because I'm more engaged? It makes things harder, there is no question. When we invest more we expect more return from life.

I don't regret the fact that I "woke up" so to speak, and I don't regret the difficult road I traveled. I've shown up to the party, let's get the music on and get this place rocking! I just wish my W would be my dance partner.

Accuray