Waiting for the tides to change - 2

[purgatory]

So funny you mention boudoir photos.... I'm doing those on my trip!! A friend is tryin to start a photo business, and I wanted to help her out. I wanted to reclaim some of my confidence and feel sex again. Besides, of H ever changes his mind- I'll have some great photos to send him overseas... And if not, well then he might just happen to see them in a drawer and wonder who they are for.... Keep him guessing

I think you should totally do it!!!

[BFloat]

FIL messaged me yesterday. i had asked my MIL if i could use some of her time share pts to book something for spring break. i guess she had emailed my FIL to call me w/ the access info. anyway, he wanted to come see the kids and i so he will be coming over tomorrow evening. should be interesting. i haven't seen him since Christmas apparently he is not too happy about situation between H and i. i'm not sure if he'll actually say anything though. we'll see.

H also messaged today asking how we were and wondering if i had time to go into bank to sign some paperwork in order to renew the mortgage. i told H i actually had to go to walk in clinic today but could figure out something for tomorrow. of course H was concerned and asked if everything was ok. i told him kids were fine. he eventually said he knew he wasn't entitled to any info but wanted to know if i was ok. told him about my injury at work.

tonight, H txted again asking how my clinic visit went. said he was glad i was ok. wondered if i needed any help. said he missed the kids. i really just don't know how to answer these days.

i'm sad today. thinking about the past year. thinking about my kids. something good has to happen soon doesn't it?

[BklynMom]

It sounds like he is on the verge but we have to remember that this takes time. Time is on our side.

Its better not to rush him so he comes back for good and we dont have to go through this again.

[purgatory]

It's a good reality check for him to hear that you've had a problem (or an injury) an he can't be the 'knight in shining armor' to rescue/help you. It's good that you told him about the issue, but you didn't ask for his help to solve the problem. You can tell that he wanted to help by his repeated questions
Btw, I'm really sorry that you got hurt, and I hope it all turns out ok.

It's nice that FIL wants to come see the kids- enjoy his visit, with no expectations. Although it might not hurt to have your answers ready in your mind I case he does bring up your sitch with H, just so you're not caught off guard.

You're doing great, even though you get sad sometimes.... You're able to snap out of it faster each time it happens.... Baby steps.

[BFloat]

Thanks bklyn and purg! It's just nice to have someone listening!!

I don't know if I would say H is on the verge. . He hasn't really shown any signs of affection or desire to be with me more. But I know he misses the kids. I think that's all it really is. As for concern for me.. Guilt? A sense of duty? I don't know.

Went to the bank to sign some papers regarding the mortgage. Oddly comforting. Soon we'll have to finalize financial stuff but at least I'll know where I stand and figure out a plan from there. I actually have the potential to earn a lot more than H but would require me to leave the kids more. I'm not sure if I'm prepared to do that yet until they're both in school. There was a point where I had told H that if he wanted to work less, I would have worked more but he never seemed interested in that.

Tomorrow H is coming to take S on his fieldtrip. I'll have a chance to get ready for our sleepover Saturday! My gf w/ the 2 kids and another gf coming over for play with the kids and chick flick with them after they go to bed. Yay! Good GAL!

2 months to retrouvaille. Are we going to make it?

[sayitaintso]

Good perspective on the finances and great job GAL'ing.

Keep it up BF!

[BFloat]

Thanks say! Although I backslide all the time!

FIL did come over to visit w/ myself and the kids. He didn't say anything about H and I but I felt his support by the way he hugged me. I know FIL loves me!! He came over w/ his gf (has been w/ her for about 6 yrs since his marriage to MIL ended).

We talked about my spring break plans w/ the kids. Mentioned how I wanted to also take kids camping in OR this summer. FIL talked about how the 5 of us (him, gf, myself and kids) and then corrected and said the 6 of us maybe could drive down there this summer. I didn't know what to say because he was obviously meaning H when he said 6. The other day MIL kept talking about the kids and I traveling to seen her in WI with 0 implication of H. That was also weird for me. Ugh. Everything's all weird and awkward.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully the weekend will be fun and that i will be busy and distracted. It's nice to have plans so I don't feel so alone. Sigh.

[BFloat]

H txted last night thanking me for going into the bank to sign the paperwork. i wasn't quite sure what to say so i txted back.. thanks for sorting it all out. wanted to acknowledge that he took charge of the situation since i have always taken care of it all in the past.

we txted back and forth a bit about my plans for spring break w/ the kids. told him i have been saving money to go. he told me he has been saving also because he wanted to contribute as well.

this morning, H came to pick up S for his fieldtrip. D cried out "daddy!!", hopped off the couch and ran towards him. when he hugged her, he looked both happy and sad. i guess all these conflicting emotions are good for him.

later on, he asked how my injury was. i was vague but said i was ok. he seemed a little upset that i didn't go into detail and just kept the conversation short.

i'm sort of at a point where i think.. i love you but.. what do you expect from me? i am getting on with my life out of necessity for myself and for the kids. i don't ask him if he wants to do things w/ us because i'd rather not deal w/ the possible disappointment. is that wrong?? i don't know.

i'm happy it's the weekend! happy we have friends coming over!!

[purgatory]

i'm sort of at a point where i think.. i love you but.. what do you expect from me? i am getting on with my life out of necessity for myself and for the kids. i don't ask him if he wants to do things w/ us because i'd rather not deal w/ the possible disappointment. is that wrong?? i don't know.

Not wrong at all.

Foe some reason, the WAS thinks that we are supposed to curl up in a corner and turn into a crying puddle when they leave us... and in a way, I know we all did that in the beginning. But it confuses them when they see us having a life without them. It seems like your H is wanting you to be miserable- like he sees himself. You know: "misery loves company."

I think you did great when telling him about your injury. I mean, he asked, so that shows that he cares, but you spoke to him as if you were talking to a friend- just a summary, not the detailed novel. H wasn't expecting that- because I'm sure you used to go into all the details before... but you were talking to your *husband* then. He's experiencing what his decision feels like.

I'm glad FIL visit was nice. And hopefully the awkwardness will get easier with time. I hope you have a great time with your sleepover this weekend!! Some girl time will really be good for the soul!!!

[BFloat]

H finally left after dropping off S. while he was here he was txting away. ugh! i shouldn't care but obviously i do!! i didn't ask or say anything. then he emailed himself a bunch of photos of the kids. i think that's the nice thing about him not being here.. i really don't know what he's up to so i don't think about it as much as if he were here.

when H was saying goodbye to D, she got very upset. "daddy you don't go! no daddy! you stay here with me!". then she came into the kitchen and said "i'm sad. daddy's not staying here!". i could tell H was upset. he actually looked like he was going to cry. if anyone has the ability to get through to him.. it will be D.

i have been friendlier lately. but still distant. protecting myself. after he left we exchanged a couple of txts and he told me he was going to go meet my BIL and his wife. guess he's not out partying. ok.. NO THINKING!!!!

hope everyone has a good weekend. i fully intend to! don't need wild parties.. just the company of some good gfs and my mischievous little pumpkins!