How 2 balance detaching & improving communication?

[sayitaintso]

yeah so that post didn't work out too well.

[Rick1963]

Say I am by no means an expert: but I have learned that when I think just about me i feel better. Your W and mine left us, cant stand us we are too old fat critical whatever.

But we are not what they think we are and they do not draw our future. We do.

[sayitaintso]

Mach- What does detaching mean to you ?

Me- I agree with a lot of what you said about this and am looking forward to getting to that point. To me in its purest form means to not be affected at all emotionally by anything she does. It has been difficult for me to let go and still be there for her and thus balance the whole dynamic of letting her have her space, not knowing what she is feeling (whether she wants more space v. less space), and acting from my true authentic self.

I definitely agree with you that I need to drop the rope. I don't know what she is capable of and until I am ready to throw in the towel I need to worry about and work on myself.

Mach- First....

If you feel like she is the one, then why not really make a stand ? Do what works. DB101 bro....

That is your fix for her problems. IF she would just come back, we could fix this.

It is not what she feels or thinks. You should really try to honor her choices there, regardless of how you feel things could be different.

Me- Not really sure what you mean here?


Mach- Once again, we go back to honoring her choice. You don't have to like them, but fighting that, will keep you right where you are right now. Stuck in your own head.

Me- Well said and I agree.

Mach- How about some concrete goals that are for you, and only you. Some things that you CAN control ???? Your goals should be for you. With your goals in line with the ultimate goal of being the better option if she were to look back

Me- This will be what I will be working on next.

I have a lot more I would like to state and respond to but wanted to get something down here.

And also would like to thank you Mach.

U R awesome!! Even if I picture you as an old Wizard with a robe & a cane.

[sayitaintso]

Say I am by no means an expert: but I have learned that when I think just about me i feel better. Your W and mine left us, cant stand us we are too old fat critical whatever.

But we are not what they think we are and they do not draw our future. We do.

Thanks Rick- I've been focusing way too much on W lately and overanalyzing. I gotta get back to me.

[sayitaintso]

W just told me she kissed another dude at a bar a couple months ago (I know a lot of you on here have it much worse but this stings as it's the 1st of such I've experienced)

Yep. So we are cleaning up dinner which went well and she says let's play truth or dare. I don't think we've ever played but she was in a playful happy mood which is rare so I was like cool.

1st ? she asks me is when is the last time I masturbated. We both laugh hysterically and I choose the dare which is to eat a spoonful of some spice.

I then ask her when's the last time she's ML and she said it was w/ me the 1 night she spent the night here about 6 months ago.

Next she asks me who was last person I have kissed and I say her. She seemed surprised and wouldn't believe me at first. I then ask her and she asks who I think it is. I say me. Nope, she got drunk w/ a friend of hers a few months ago and made out w/ some random dude for a few minutes.

I was definitely taken aback but kept it friendly. I used to have very negative jealous reactions but I really didn't this time which I have worked on and am super proud of. She said she did not like it at all and learned a lesson. I said what and she says, never kiss a random guy in a bar. She says it was a mistake and she was drunk and just wanted to try and yada yada.

She assumed and was sure that I was hooking up with a friend of mine and said that I can do what I want but I told her I haven't kissed or done anything like that. She said she thinks its assumed that when you are seperated that you kind of have the opportunity to explore.

I told her that I don't believe it is ever wise to assume things.

She was feeling bad that she thought she upset me but I said I really appreciated her sharing and being honest with me as I'm sure it was tough. She also however said she doesn't need to ask permission to do anything and neither do I.

I said that I am married and really had just been taking care and working on myself and my kids and really haven't considered putting myself out there. I said I don't really agree with it morally or ethically but people are free to do as they like.

I joked that now I have the green light so watch out.

I said that previously when I asked her if she wanted to explore other people or see anyone else she said no and now it seems she is open to that. She said she is not actively looking to date or see anyone as she has enough on her plate but she says you can't choose who you fall in love with.

She said she will let me know if she starts seeing someone and asked me to do the same and not do it in front of our kids. She wanted to see what I was feeling but I told her I need to think about it for a few days to give her a clear response.

We ended the talk with playing another round as we were kind of holding hands and I asked her when was the last time she thought about kissing me. She answered "10 seconds ago." I said then why didn't you and she responded that she didn't think it was appropriate.

She then asked me when was the last time I thought about kissing her and I answered "10 seconds ago." She said why didn't you and I answered, because I wasn't sure if she would want to.

I walked her to the door and she said sorry if I ruined your night, we will never play that game again. I said I'm good and I appreciated the talk. She said "am I still allowed over tomorrow" and i jokingly said, I'll let you know.


I am now trying to process this and have mixed emotions. On 1 hand I am very proud of how I responded and happy that she shared this with me.

On the other hand I'm hurt and pissed that she would allow this to happen and may be open to seeing other people during our seperation. I feel that a PA is a permanent deal breaker for me, even is she tells me she is going to date someone. Should I share this with her?

I don't know where to go from here. I have been with her since I was 15 and she's the only person I've been with.

I have every now and then thought curiously about other woman but their is just something in me that knows its not worth it and I just don't want to do it. I know I could and maybe their could be some benefits to putting myself out there but I don't want to do it just to do it or out of spite because she did it.

I'm lost at this very moment but feel strong that i have remained on the high road.

Any insight is appreciated.

[2thepoint]

My first reaction is, you play with fire (i.e. Truth or dare) and you are going to get burned. Second, when your W said she wanted to kiss you, you should have responded by laying one hell of a passionate kiss on her lips! Missed opportunity, IMO.

Be careful of crossing core boundaries. Know what they are and stick to them. Your W was testing you and you almost passed the test. But you hedged a little which gives your W a sort of greenlight to explore in areas that you are't comfortable with.

Be more careful next time.

Oh, BTW seems like she is warming a little.

[sayitaintso]

Its funny you say that because when we started I said something along the lines of I hope this doesn't get too dangerous.

I see the missed opportunity but I was reeling a little bit so I missed it.

Don't get what you mean about her testing me??

And now my mind is wondering if I need to state to her that it is fine if she wants to date or be with someone else as I have no control over what she does but if she sleeps or is intimate with another man than I don't believe I can continue a realtionship with her.

Or is that anti-db? I'm not sure if she knows this is a boundary with me but I also only want to R if she chooses to come back to me and decides to want to be with me and work on us.

Another phase beginning. SMH!!

[2thepoint]

I think she was testing you with the game. Asking you personal questions to see what you would divulge and answering questions "truthfully" to see how you would react. Just the comment about thinking about kissing you 10 seconds ago was a test to my mind. And kissing someone else was also a test. I think she wanted to see how you would react.

Was she testing for jealousy, infidelity, resolve, lingering love and affection? Who knows? Maybe all of the above or none of the above.

Maybe she is testing because your detachment is beginning to work. She needs to see if there is still some kind of spark. Keep her hungry! Keep her guessing! Keep her wanting more!

There really just seemed to be a lot of flirting going on in this most recent interaction.

"I walked her to the door and she said sorry if I ruined your night, we will never play that game again. I said I'm good and I appreciated the talk. She said "am I still allowed over tomorrow" and i jokingly said, I'll let you know."

Next time ask her if she wants to play spin the bottle or strip poker. She what kind of reaction you get then!

"And now my mind is wondering if I need to state to her that it is fine if she wants to date or be with someone else as I have no control over what she does but if she sleeps or is intimate with another man than I don't believe I can continue a realtionship with her."

Why would you do that? It is like giving her permission and then adding a nice heaping glob of control with a cherry on top! She is going to do what she is going to do regardless of what you say. Don't give her any ideas,

[sayitaintso]

Next time ask her if she wants to play spin the bottle or strip poker. She what kind of reaction you get then!

LOL, I will see if she's game. Thanks 2

[sayitaintso]

W called me a couple hours after she left which I thought might happen. She apologized again and seemed to want to check on me. I told her again I appreciate her being honest with me and that I was feeling something but wasn't quite sure.

I also joked with her that maybe we could play twister or a different game next time.

Anyhow, still processing tonight, good and bad, the life of a LBS!