MC says to call it quits

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Levity is always welcomed!

Captain, she says she does accept me -- she accepts that I will want more and will be dissatisfied.

Her latest catch phrase is "that's our dynamic -- I don't do the things that make you happy so you feel badly, then I feel badly -- I've accepted that"

I discussed that with MC and he said that's absolutely not sustainable.

So her actions do not match her words. Is she confused?

She doesn't think she's confused, she doesn't see her own contradictions. I haven't been letting her get away with that lately. When she makes statements like "I need very little", I point out that she makes it very clear when she's not getting what she needs, and she in fact needs quite a bit.

She really things she has everything completely figured out, and she's very stubborn. Once she makes up her mind that she understands something, she starts to "live it" if you will, or at least convince herself she's living it. Pointing out the contradictions usually doesn't get any response.

My point would be that she is not interested at this time. Has it been that way from day 1 of your relationship?

I wish that had a simple answer! When I got married I was 15 years younger. What I wanted at the time was someone who was not going to be codependent, need my validation, or rely upon me to make her happy. I was looking for someone independent, who wanted to share their life with me, would enjoy being with me, but if we each decided to do our own thing, that would be OK too. One of the big attractions to my W was that initially we shared many interests that were important to me, including biking, skating, skiing, swimming, etc.

Over time W disengaged from all the shared interests we had when we got married. When things were at their worst I was convinced that the only interests she had were watching TV, talking on the phone, and shopping, because she didn't do anything else. I continued to pursue my interests, because I believed our marriage contract was that "we'll do things together we enjoy and pursue them separately if we don't".

I learned that W wasn't as independent or as self-actualized as she represented. A lot of it was a front born of pride and stubbornness, but deep down she felt rejected by the fact that I continued to pursue my interests without her, instead of choosing to stay home and watch TV with her or talk to her. She never told me that, she just bottled it up and tried to be a dutiful wife until she blew up.

So now it's on the table -- the marriage contract I thought we were signing up for originally is now null and void. We now have a new marriage contract. The new contract says that we're more connected, more engaged, and spend more time together.

OK, I can do that, I can dispense with hobbies and sports, and I can take joy from our marriage. Let's do it! This will be great. To me, here's what a more connected marriage looks like... But she doesn't want to do her part in that -- she seems to want the old distance on her part, but the engagement on my part, and those two desires are at odds, which is creating our current tension.

So did she ever do the things I'm looking for now? No, but I wasn't looking for them, and the things I'm now being asked for are completely different.

After the bomb, this has literally been a "reset button push" and the landscape is being redefined, so her historic behavior (or mine), while it may provide insight into her capacities, from my perspective is no longer the rule.

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