Thank you both. The hard part definitely is seeing them struggle and not be able to do anything to help. I'm a helper by nature, so to have someone I care about so much go down such a destructive path is so hard to watch. You just want to scream at them sometimes, or take them and shake them and say, if I can see this why can't you?!? But I know none of that will work.

Support is what I need. I have some great friends, and family, but it's nice to be able to vent to people and get advice from people who have gone through this or are going through this.

I have been going to counseling on my own, and that has been helping, but the last few days I've just been feeling blah about the whole thing, and crying like it's day one again. Of course work has been super stressful this week too, so maybe that could be part of it.

I have come into some interesting information last night. I had to go to the doctor last night for my work physical and thankfully H did not take me off his list of people the doctor can talk to, which I found surprising since he had to update 3 weeks ago when he was there. I was able to talk to the doctor about him. The doctor told me when he spoke with H he told the doctor the only thing wrong in his life is his job, and he's fine when he goes home. I sat there completely stunned.... because when I had asked H how his doctor's appointment went (I know, bad idea) he told me he told the doctor we were having problems, and said the doctor asked if he "wanted anything to take the edge off". But he told the doctor he "doesn't need pills" (even though he's on other medications). The doctor told me H needs help, but he can't force anyone to do anything. He told me he even suggested counseling to him. Which I have too, but of course, H wouldn't even consider it.

So talk about mixed messages, and being confused. I feel like I know exactly what is going on.... I know this is all about him hating his job, and I think I'm the one getting projected onto because I'm being viewed as responsibility. If I wasn't in his life he could sell the house, get rid of other bills and quit his job and get any other job just to get out of where he is. When it would be so much easier to use me as the support he should be.

Also our bank accounts have always been separate, don't know why, we just never put them together. However, he did open another credit card a few months ago, and when I asked him about it, he said "it's just for emergencies, nothing for you to worry about." Well apparently eating out and buying shooting stuff (he shoots competitively) are emergencies because I know he's used the card for such things.

For awhile he didn't seem to enjoy his favorite activities and now shooting and gun stuff is all he does, I think he is trying to distract himself from the confusion. Aside from that he is mostly home in the evenings and weekends watching TV. There are occasions I'm not 100% sure where he is, but for the most part he has been with his family or just his brother.

I just wish he would surround himself with positive people, not the likes of his mother, Ms. Do whatever makes you happy. Why does everyone think running away is the best option? Where is the commitment anymore?

Also I have both books, DR, and DB, have read all of DR-love it, haven't had a chance to get very far in DB, have been reading some other helpful books.