My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Oneeleven]

as well as my birthday. It's going to be very hard to do nothing for her on Valentines day (although I do think I'm going to send my stepkids a little something unless anyone thinks that's a bad idea), and it will be interesting to see if she acknowledges my birthday or not...

My SO didn't contact me on my BD so you know what I did? I sent him a little 'reminder' that it was still my BD for two more hours and that I was sad not to have heard from him. Not my finest moment. And I felt TEN times worse than I did before the offending email (we are long distance)

So I beg of you to not try and do too much, nor for V-Day either. And V-Day [censored] as it's shoved down your throat for weeks beforehand too!! Your resolve sounds FANTASTIC!! I send you good wishes and strength.

Man what a constant mental battle this is... That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger though right? Thanks again!

[Broken74]

Thanks for your feedback and good vibes 111 I greatly appreciate it!

Journaling today after a good weekend. I was busy GAL this weekend and then the W and I ended up speaking yesterday. I asked what she was doing for the Superbowl and when she said nothing I suggested (again I am violating the LRT mantra but I went with my gut and yielded a positive outcome I think) we catch the first half of the game as friends. Long story short this ended up as watching about 5 minutes of the Superbowl and then meandering around the mall. Based on my perception there were a couple of breakthroughs:

1) She immediately said I looked "different" and good, I have changed my style a bit and have been working out quite a bit so I'm happy that she noticed. She looked quite good herself.
2) This is the first time we have spent time together where I did not try to touch her or show her affection in any way. I think she was shocked by this. I don't remember the last time I told her I love her.
3) She offered up the fact that she is not dating/talking to anyone which is obviously good to hear assuming she is being truthful.
4) I didn't spend a dime on her which is certainly a 180 for me.

In summary, she said that she had a good time and would like to get together again. I take that as a plus.

I think I am going to LRT again and truly let her to come to me next time, including the guantlet of Valentines day next week. At this point my plan is to not acknowledge it all, even though it is her favorite holiday.

Doing nothing is the right thing to do for Valentines day right, including her and the stepchildren I suppose? She has made it clear that she doesn't want me seeing them during this "who knows" stage as they could easily get confused to what's going on (which is effectively nothing at this point).

[Yasu]

Broken,
I am happy you posted that letter you wrote. I am a newby - but beginning dough year of separation. Have read everything on this site backwards and forwards. Have been NC for close to since September. Have done well with "detaching," over the last few months thru readings, and most helpful, by staying out of town whilst working on a rental an hour and a half away.

I recently posted my story on this site. I made two VM contacts with H regarding late support and bill payments. I will tell you today I totally panicked. I almost dialed the phone again to invite him to call and chat with me about alternate subjects other than bills. I took a Diazapam, and soaked in the tub, averting that disaster. But, I thought up a "ka-sera-sera" sort of letter I might compose (a dumbed down version of yours), that would include an innuendo that once divorced, he would never see me again as I would flee the State.

Seeing your letter prevented me from making this error. You are not alone, broken. My mind works exactly like yours. What has really been effective for "ME" - has been the literature on detaching. What made detaching and going DARK much easier, was leaving town. I know that is not so simple.

Even though all these months have past - I am back in town, with those palpitations in my chest this afternoon. My blood presure went to 180 - and I remain always now on BP meds, as well as anti-depressants, and anxiety medication. I guess I'm trying to thank you for having the courage to post your letter - and tell you, you are not alone in the choice you wanted to make. Yas

[Broken74]

Thanks for taking the time to read my sitch and the kind words Yas. :-)

I am glad the letter helped you out. Retrospectively I wish I hadn't sent that email and done a number of other things, hopefully she files it and can reference it if and when she ever thinks about "us". I hold no expectations though, although she won't use the divorce word really, I am mentally preparing for that to be the outcome in August, and if things improve then so be it. Each day I care a little bit less, hopefully I will hit the total indifference point soon.

It sounds like you are doing a great job on detaching, hopefully I can take some lessons from you. Keep your chin and relax, you are your sitch are in my prayers. :-)

[Yasu]

The days will pass and your email transgression will become history. Research detachment asap. It is not so easy. What gives you the advantage in detachment is detachment itself - literally. Do not see her, do not look at her, do not talk to her, remove anything that reminds you of her. Do not be in any vicinity of her, period. This is the key to detachment. In a few months, you will feel somewhat stronger, but don't kid yourself. You are only detached - that does not mean you do not care or love her, tread carefully. I am coming to know this path, as I am on it, as we speak. I so wish I was computer savvy to give you links, Mr. Broken. So sorry I am an idiot on that level. My prayer is Lso for you, and I hope you will join my newcomer's team. I will keep my eye on YOU. Yas

[Yasu]

The days will pass and your email transgression will become history. Research detachment asap. It is not so easy. What gives you the advantage in detachment is detachment itself - literally. Do not see her, do not look at her, do not talk to her, remove anything that reminds you of her. Do not be in any vicinity of her, period. This is the key to detachment. In a few months, you will feel somewhat stronger, but don't kid yourself. You are only detached - that does not mean you do not care or love her, tread carefully. I am coming to know this path, as I am on it, as we speak. I so wish I was computer savvy to give you links, Mr. Broken. So sorry I am an idiot on that level. My prayer is also for you, and I hope you will join my newcomer's team. I will keep my eye on YOU. Yas

[Yasu]

Dude man, this is an epidemic. Holy crap. I am on page five and still being moderated - but I do half a-- have my s--- together, and got the material down pat. People are so suffering. It is terrible. It is like so painful to read, especially, when you see the so obvious forest thru the trees - as an observer.

When you say, "each day you care a little less." Thank goodness for that. It is a sign of detaching that you must do to survive.

[Broken74]

Hmmm so 24 hours after restarting going dark, she randomly hits me up, when I asked what's up she says just wanted to "say hey". We chatted for a bit no R or M talk at all, and I exited the converstation saying I was heading to they gym and it was nice talking to her. I think the meeting on Sunday payed some dividends.

I am not exactly playing "by the rules" here but I am happy today. If she wants to talk again she will certainly be initiating :-).

Good Luck to everyone!

[KarenR]

You are doing alot right...which is great.Do you work with a DB coach? Having someone in your corner helps keep you strong. Valentine's day really gets to some folks (with all the media hype)...it is really just another day:) Take care and get the support you need.

[Broken74]

Thanks for the feedback Karen! I haven't had the opportunity to work with a DB coach yet, I am hoping that a time will come when my W brings up the R or M, and at that point I am planning on getting setup with a coach. I have been seeing some small improvements and am going to ride them for now, primarily by utilizing the LRT and 37 steps, creating mystery to draw her to me. I hope my boycotting of Valentines day on Tuesday serves as a significant indicator for her. Some have said she may not bat an eye at it, but my knowing her for some reason I don't think that's going to be the case.

I appreciate you guys feedback, support, and making this site available. Michelle's books are great, and when I am ready to schedule my first coaching session I will definitely give you a call. :-)