I read your thread, and you're doing great. You're dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and it's normal to have a crutch. I'm not playing devil's advocate, sinc you just had your first AA meeting last night--just keep going and be patient with yourself.
A good book to read which might help fuel you desire to keep off the sauce is: A Magnificent Mind at Any Age, by Dr. Amen. He shows what brain scans look like of people that drink every day, and it's shocking. We all joke about killing brain cells, but it's astounding how much you mess up your gray matter by drinking.
I'll wait a few months for you to be off the sauce before I start busting your chops about the cigarettes That will be a tougher road to go down, since both you and your wife smoke--that should be something both of you can do after you get your marraige back on track.
On that note, you're in a better place then you know. Regardless of what you're wife is saying--she's there. Regardless of wether you're her man-servant or not--she's there. Just keep doing the DB work, the AA work--stay on the course you've set for yourself, and you'll find that you make it out the other side a much better person. Not that you're not one already...it's just that you're somewhat enslaved by the addictions, which isn't necessarily your fault. But again, we want to take responsibility for ourselves, right?
I'm somewhat reticent to share my views on health with close friends and associates, but I'll say this: modern, western healthcare is good for 2 things: when you're mortally wounded, and when you have some sort of medical problem and you don't know what it is. Diagnosis, and Emergent care. The rest of it can be thrown out with the trash (yes, this view is part of the reason why I'm now a DB'er--but I digress). That being said--I recomend you look into a movie called Sick Fat and Nearly Dead--it's a low-key introduction to the way I believe is the only truly healthy way to live. Basically, the stuff we put into our bodies very much dictates the quality of our life.
Now I'm not riding a high horse...I went through a sleeve of peanut butter girlscout cookies today, and I felt like crap afterwards--so I'm now making the mental note not to do that anymore...but the point also is--we all are working towards our ideal in fits and spurts--it's Ok to fail from time to time, as long as we keep going toward our goal.
The good thing about you going to AA is that you can very well stop the cycle of your S seeing his dad ruin his life through alcohol--and This could be the supreme 180 that your w needs to see before she decides to stick with you.
So take this as an electronic pat on the back. I'm proud of you.
One last book recommendation: Google: "Complete System of Self-Healing Internal Exercises pdf" it's by Dr. Stephen T. Chang. I recommend this book because you're doing Tai Chi, which means you understand that our bodies are electric, and have energies that move through us. there is an exercise in there for the thyroid that you may want to share with your wife--but more importantly there are a lot of low key exercises for you that won't require any crazy gym memberships or equipment. Plus you'll be able to download the pdf copy of the book for free on to your computer.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
So tell me more about your meeting, and how you are addressing #1...
???
The meeting was... interesting.
It was what's known as a "newcomer's meeting". Well, I was the only newcomer. This translated to an hour of being spoken to directly by others in the room who wanted to share their story, mostly people who'd had life-threatening medical problems as a result of their drinking, others spoke of the loss of other things - relationships, possessions, businesses, etc. There were definitely common threads there that I was able to identify with.
Towards the end of the meeting, the chairperson asked if there was anyone else who wanted to speak. One woman, about my age, introduced herself and proceeded to tell me that she'd been at my wedding and had fallen on the dance floor several times!
I didn't recognize her at first, though she did look familiar. It was W's boss from at the time that we were married. Strange, small world. Hopefully it's a good sign.
As for how I'm handling #1, well, I've done what I said I would do. In later conversations with W, I admitted that I had a problem that required help, else I would have quit a long time ago. My interactions with her otherwise have been limited. Will journal it a little later on.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
So as I've already mentioned, I went to AA Wednesday night. When I got home, W asked where I'd been. I told her I'd been at a church (not the one we go to, but one she'd heard of). She said "Oh," then a few seconds later asked what I'd been doing there. I took a deep breath and told her I'd been to AA. I think she was stunned.
There wasn't much other talk that night, but she did tell me she was glad.
Thursday was kind of a blah day for me. Just spent some time with S, read to him, watched TV, played, napped, etc. W came home from work then went back out to see her friend for a while. Still not much conversation when she got home, but the talk about AA came up again. I told her I didn't want S to see his dad doing what I was doing. She said that was good, real good. She seemed to be challenging me on my handling of S, seemed unnecessarily surprised to learn I'd read to him, more so when I said that I had been. She said she'd never seen me do it, and I told her she was usually at work when I did.
W: But you don't do it after you get home from work. M: It was because I was drinking.
Yesterday, I had another meeting with my Pastor. He was starting to get concerned about how I hadn't pushed her to get into contact with him. I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on her, which he said he understood, but also said that it wasn't good to let fear paralyze me when it came to seeking counsel. We prayed for intervention, the pastor prayed for wisdom to know how to handle the situation when it came up.
When I got home, we had to get S packed up and ready to go spend the weekend with MIL since we're both working all weekend and have no one to watch him. On the call, the subject of marriage counselling had come up. She apparently remembered me saying that the pastor wanted us to see a particular counsellor who was involved in the church. She wanted us to go to church to get it set up (I think at her mother's insistence), but I had to tell her that we had to go through this particular pastor for it. She asked me to call him and get the information, that she felt awkward doing it since she hadn't spoken with him.
I told her that the pastor wanted to sit down and talk to her and hear her side of the story. He'd made it abundantly clear to me that he wasn't taking my side, and I relayed that to her. I also told her he'd wanted to contact her directly for a while, but I'd asked him to wait so she wouldn't feel pressured to doing something she didn't want to do. She asked me to set up the meeting. Haven't yet, but will later today, if I can reach him.
We began discussing dinner on the way down. We were both quite hungry, and decided on a place to eat after S was dropped off. W wanted to drink. She said she'd get us out of there quickly by telling MIL that we wanted to go eat and talk.
Well, we didn't do much talking. She drank mai tais and played on her phone while we ate. She did tell me that if there was something she wished she could have gotten out of her biological father, it would have been the time he'd spent drinking (meaning time with him while not drinking). I wasn't sure what to say to that. I think I validated, but I was pretty wrapped up in my own thoughts, too.
Here's the thing: she's going to go and talk to the pastor. We're going to go to MC, but I'm worried that the only reason she's doing this is because she's getting pressure from MIL to do it, and not because she actually wants to work anything out. I know that the AA thing is a big positive for my sitch, and her comments have certainly reflected that... on the other hand, she seems to be withdrawing from me a bit. She lied to MIL about why we needed to leave so quickly, and I know MIL really wants us to try and work it out. I also know that W has a rather adversarial view of her.
I guess all I can really do is pray that the pastor is able to get through to her in a way that she's open and receptive to MC. The C that my pastor wants us to see owes the pastor some favors, so we'll be getting at least some MC free. I hope she realizes that and that it doesn't go to waste.
It seems like everytime there's something good going, W does something to counterbalance any minute sense of hope I feel. May not be a bad thing, but I hate that we're progressing towards... SOMETHING... but no clue what it is or if hope is justified.
Weird day...
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Forgot to add, I asked my pastor what the C's success rate was. He didn't respond for a moment (awkward question, I know), but then said he didn't know, but that he was the best C he'd worked with.
Also, at dinner, W asked me if I was experiencing withdrawal yet. I told her I wasn't, that my problem wasn't so much one of quantity, but one of frequency and how ingrained it had become in my routine. For a point of reference, I told her about another guy who'd been drinking a gallon of vodka a day. That guy had some serious withdrawal problems.
Elmo - Thanks for the encouragement. I'll check out those resources you mentioned. I really appreciate you taking the time to wade through all of my long posts!
La - All I can do is take it one day at a time. It helps to hear that I'm not the only one doing what I've done for the reasons I did it. It makes it easier to not drink.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
She drank mai tais and played on her phone while we ate. She did tell me that if there was something she wished she could have gotten out of her biological father, it would have been the time he'd spent drinking (meaning time with him while not drinking). I wasn't sure what to say to that. I think I validated, but I was pretty wrapped up in my own thoughts, too.
Umm....you told her you started AA, and she wanted to go out and drink Mai Tais in front of you? You don't think this is odd? Like you telling your spouse you've started a diet for your heart disease, and them saying "let's go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner"???
Do you think she has a drinking problem too? Or is she just a saboteur?
She doesn't drink often, usually only when she's stressed out, OR if we're out eating. Yeah, I think it was kind of crappy. It really didn't bother me that much, though. She doesn't have to suffer just because I'm trying to get control over a long-standing issue.
Saboteur, perhaps, but if so, it's probably to see how strong my resolve is. At least, that's how I'm looking at it.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
