Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

It's been several months and my marriage has been up and down, but this time I feel pretty low. This forum has always helped me gain perspective and focus on what I need to do.

Right now, I'm not sure what's going on in my wife's life. We're together but she's still all over the place emotionally and very hard to read sometimes. She's been lying and covering up things about her drinking and phone use. A lot of this is triggered by how she feels inside and how she sees me as an obstacle.

We're still struggling financially even though she found a part-time job to help. The mess we're in, because of mistakes she's made in the past, has really put a monster load on us and she can't bare it sometimes. She'll dwell on her mistakes and blame and make things much bigger than they really are. I try to get her to open up and talk about it, but it's difficult to do. And because of her new job, she'll skip most of her NA meetings that she needs to go to for herself as well as to get her job back. She needs three meetings a week - logged. She's going to one, most of the time. So that triggers more anxiety in her because she is worried that the nursing board will ask for a time log of her meetings and she won't have what they require. In turn, that triggers even more anxiety because if she doesn't get her license she won't get a job and we will continue to struggle and not have insurance. She is carrying a massive burden and it's held in until I finally pull it out of her.

I'm working, but my salary covers the bills and just a tad for living expenses. We have to miss some bills ever now and then just to make ends meet. That also burdens her.

We had a falling out two days ago that really put me in the dumps. I think she is still in contact with the other man and I caught her hiding alcohol around the house. Heck, I didn't have to snoop (don't want to really) she's not good at lying or hiding. I usually turn a blind eye so we won't fight about it, but not sure what I should do now. I went cold a couple of days ago and this sparked a negative reaction with her. We talked and she said that she wasn't sure what she wanted in our marriage. She actually told me that I've become "too good" and she's not used to it. That I'm not the man I used to be and it's too uncomfortable. Just an excuse really. We did make up eventually and I started working on myself again.

See, to me, I've become lax. I don't really believe in God anymore. I gave up believing. Too many things have put doubt in my mind. We stopped going to church for the most part. We'll go maybe once a month to please my mother. She's a devout Christian - pentecostal. I've been battling desires to have an affair myself but don't have the balls. Women approach me and one in particular really fell for me but I cut that off. Not necessarily because I thought it was the "right" thing to do, but because she's not my type. I really don't know what I would do if a woman found interest in me that WAS my type. Thankfully that hasn't happened.

I feel that if someone came into my life I could walk away and give up on my wife. I'm tired of feeling duped and led on until the right time. I'm tired of working on me and us when she sits and dwells on her mistakes and possibly cheats. This feeling of being walked on has become more than I can stand.

But ... here I am, ready to fight again. That is, if there is any hope. I made a list of how to treat my wife in this time of need. I carry it with me and pull it out from time to time and read over it. I keep it out when I'm on the phone with her to stay focused. I've been journalling again to help me stay focused. Physically, I'm in great shape. I'm constantly training and eating right. I look half my age and that's real motivation. (I'm not bragging, honestly. I just feel that when a person is physically fit that's one-third of a balanced life. Now I need to strengthen myself emotionally and spiritually.) At the beginning of the year I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish to make myself feel better. Several things I'm really struggling with, but I'm slowly coming around. The older I get, the more set I am with certain vices.

One thing that I need help with right now is to not read too deeply into things. I want to see the small, positive things that are going on and let them motivate me. Yes, I want an answer whether or not she wants me in her life, but I have to settle for the simple fact that we are together for now. Is she ready to work on herself? That's something else that is real important. I sat with her one evening and we made a list of things that are deeply troubling her. I pointed out several things to help alleviate her anxiety about them. I hope by this weekend we can start working on them. Seeing that she wanted to do this was motivating as well.

She's working at night the next couple of days. It's painful because I lie and think about what she's really doing; if she's thinking about me, him, or whatever. My daughters slept with me last night and it was comforting. I love both of them so much. My youngest would struggle so hard if we weren't together. She loves her daddy and I think it would draw a line between her and her mother. She shows signs of this a lot. It hurts my wife and really encourage our daughter not to play sides. My oldest, who is also my step-daughter, would hurt but I think at her age and the fact that I'm not her real father would help her get over it. She loves me, yes. And I love her too. I raised her since she was 2. That was 14 years ago.

My wife still think I play favors. Maybe I do but I try so so hard not to because I do love my step-daughter. To me, I work them differently. My youngest is a daddy's girl and I barely have to speak before she's up and running. With my step I have to push and prod and threaten and beg and yell and cut myself and burn witches on a stake before she'll move. It's more of how she is than how I am to her. My wife sees it as favors. Usually I don't argue. I let it be and try to work things differently to keep the peace.

But, I sick and f'ing tired of working to keep the peace now. I'm a much more better man these days - these months. It's been almost 2 years. I feel run over. I'm holding a 50hr/week job, training 10-12hrs/week, holding up my wife, holding up our burdens, stressing over money, who I am, who she is, where we'll be next week (together or not), if she's screwing around, whether or not I want to walk and sow my seed out of spite, or just slit my friggin wrists.

There. That feels better.