I agree with mishka422 a hundred percent - seems like the healthiest thing to do for your S and yourself...
As for your H - only he is responsible for his R with his S, and his actions will determine that.
Hang in there!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I like what kml said, just let him know his F is seeing someone, if it comes to that, without saying how long. I am just tired of secrets. My S was 13 when he and I found out at the same time that his F was having and A, otherwise, if things had gone on this long, and his F was distancing himself from him, I would have let him know, so he wouldn't blame himself for his father's behavior. For a younger child, no, but a 14 year old, I think he has probably seen as much as this in his school friends lives. Hopefully, itm's H would have the decency to tell his S himself. Hopefully.
And, yes, mishka, tornadoes sUck big time, and it's only mid-winter. And, since you are in Georgia, we send all our bad weather your way. Sorry
Thank you all of you, you all had great points... as far as why all the secrecy???..well, honestley i was fine with not letting S14 know at first. my H did not want to tell him and we discussed it in Co parenting sessions, and agreed that it was not a good time. S14 was very emotional about the whole situation and we had a problem with im cutting himself when we first seperated..I let H know very clearly that this was not a good time to spring this on him. After some time went by S14 started asking questions..and asked his dad if he was seeing someone and his dad lied and said no...that was when I started telling him that he needed to tell him and he has refused and avoided that situation since. S14 is still having a hard time but not nearly as emotional about it as he was.
Now that H has lied to him several times about that and other things, S14 is just fed up....and I honestly cannot see H sitting down and telling him the truth. He has not ever been able to step up that way...I had to tell S14 about the divorce alone, He has gone almost 6 weeks now without seeing his son because S14 keeps refuseing to go with him...and no matter how many times I have told him he needs to take him out and talk to him and work this out before there relationship is damaged for good, he does not do it...he is just letting it go.
Even after I told him that S14 knows he lied to him about the ER incident...he is texting him and acting like nothing happened..not addressing the problem at all. S14 and I talked a little again tonight...he is mad that I wont answer his questions and I keep telling him that he needs to discuss it with his D. I am going to think on it some more and take my time deciding what to do....Im so affraid to make the wrong decision here, and throw my son back on an emotional roller coaster...he has an appt with his C on Monday, I may wait and discuss it with him. I also hate the secrets...I was raised in a home were my father left when I was 2 and never came back...I never knew him and he was never spoken about. It became taboo and to this day none of us kids talk about him or know anything. a couple of us are just starting to ask questions and find out things but it was ingrained in us to never speak of it and because of that I have always been VERY open with my sons, we talk about everything and ive never lied to them...and I hate that I cant just sit him down and tell him what he wants to know. .....but I will if H wont, and from what he has shown me, his son is right..hes not man enough to tell him the truth...
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Hi, itm, I know it just destroys you inside when you see how their R has deteriorated. It hasn't been all that long since all this began, has it? When the SHTF here, my H made statements that it was only his feelings that mattered now, and he didn't care at all whose feelings he hurt, even our S's, and that he was doing something GOOD for himself, now. Crazy a&& talk. But, he eventually came out of it, and I don't know how much of it he even remembers. Once when I reminded him of what he said about S's feelings, he denied saying it. So, maybe your H is so far into his darkness, he just doesn't realize how bad he IS making things for your S. For him to just continue on as though nothing has happened, shows this.
I agree with being open with kids. I have always been with my S, and now he is 19, he is still very open and honest with me, and knows he can come to me at any time to talk about anything.
Like you said, take your time, discuss it with his C.
I am at the end of my rope with this whole situation. Im not sure what more I can do to keep the relationship open for my S14 and his D. Again last night S14 took money out of my purse. Since I dont ever have it, its fairly obviouse when he takes it. When I confronted him this morning he didnt even deny it this time, just gave it back. Since we had the comversation last weekend about the fact that I could expect H to be involved in these sort of situations, I called him on my way to work to inform him. His first question was "how much did he take?"..... WTH????? REALLY???..I told him i didnt think that mattered and that I didnt think it had anything to do with the money, and that he obviousley needed to have a conversation with his son. Since I had him in a convo I informed him that S14 had again asked if he had a girlfriend a couple of days ago, and last night had asked me if his D had ever cheated on me (yes, that was tempting...) I told him that I had told S14 that those were both questions he needed to ask his D. I had thought that H would be concerned about it...but i was wrong. He didnt seem fazed by it at all..said I have no problem answering his questions..all he has to do is open his mouth and ask them. He wasnt surprised when I told him what S14 had asked and didnt seem upset at the idea of having to talk to him about it. He also was not concerned about the stealing so I ended the conversation. I am giving him through Monday...S14 has an appt with C on Monday evening. If he hasnt told him by then and C thinks it would be ok..Im sitting him down and letting him ask any questions he may have and answering them for him. Im sick and tired of giving him chances to step up to the plate and be a father. He is not capable.
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
If you're going to answer his questions yourself, could you do it in the presence of the C so that they could help S14 process it?
My son was taking money from my purse too. I also NEVER have any so when I have $10 I KNOW I have $10. I had to stop leaving my purse in the kitchen and now take it in my room with me. I also had to install a lock on my bedroom door that uses a key instead of the little hole that you can snap the lock open on with just a small screwdriver. He was breaking into my room and taking things. It's just crazy and it's horrible to live in a police state with your own children. Their emotions come out in strange ways and this was my son's reaction. I hope you can find a way to curtail this activity without having to go to the extremes I have had to.
As far as your STBXH is concerned (notice I used STBXH....on purpose), forget the expectations all together. He is obviously not willing to be a true parent to his son. Don't expect him to. It's only going to hurt you in the long run.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Sorry that you had yet another bad conversation with your H. It does sound like he is currently incapable or unwilling to step up for your S, so it's now on you. (and has been now for a while...)
I like the idea of talking to him with the C. Not only to help your S process it better, but also for you - to have someone be there to support and help you should you need help. This is all new territory for you as well.
Hang in there - you are strong and will handle it well.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I have been a mess all day...I finally just went home from work, it was haveing a hard time holding it together. I dont want my son to have to go through this...I dont want him to know that his D had an affair and lose all respect for him, I dont want him to be without a father!!! He use to be so proud of the fact that he was one of the few kids in his class who still lived with both his parents. He has not been the same kid since this all started and it breaks my heart....How can his D do this to him and just abandon him the way he has????? and not see what it is doing to him??? Im not feeling strong today...today i want to call him and say WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!! Dont you give a crap who you hurt and the damage you are doing to people who loved and cared about you for 19 dam years!!!! This is going to effect the rest of his life and his D is acting like its not a big deal...just another day in the life.. and im home crying and wondering how I can protect my S from the pain that I know he is going to have when he puts it all together, because its the same pain I had. Why didnt he love me? Why is she more important? whats wrong with me that he would leave me for her????? I know thats not the whole story..but its where you go when you hear it, and he will feel the same way since his dad hss been completely absent. and it will be obviouse since it was literaly from one day to the next that his dad just stopped comeing around. GAWD, i just want to slap him in the back of the head and scream!!!!!!
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I talked to his C on the phone today...he recommended that I call H one more time, give him a chance to speak to S himself but tell him if he doesnt do it by Sunday that I will talk to him. He doesnt think he should hear it for the first time in his office but def thinks he needs to know asap since he is asking so many questions..He said he obviousley knows, and is just wanting someone to validate it for him, and he will keep acting out until someone does..and then will probabley get worse after....We have an appt Monday so he said that would be good that we can discuss it and he will have had time to process it befor the appt. I am terrified....
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Could you speak with your H face to face? Maybe it won't be so easy to tune you out like it is on the phone. He probably is watching a basketball game or something when y'all talk, so maybe he isn't getting just how serious it all is. Surely he wouldn't be so unfeeling if he realized that.
I know you're terrified of what is about to happen. I hope for the best for you and S, and I hope your H will step up and be a good father. Does your S have anything to help take his mind off it? Besides school.
