I've been following your threads for awhile now but haven't actually posted to you prior to today. My H had a year long A but ironically when I first began reading your threads, I had no idea I too would be dealing with infidelity someday.
We are piecing now and I will tell you that recovery is not easy so I can imagine to some degree the heartbreak and uncertainly you must be dealing with right now. My heart goes out to you.
Anyway, from my recollections of your posts, you have worked on yourself, you've GAL'ed, you've shown your H what he would be missing if he chose to leave the M, and yet his A continues. I've always got the impression that DB'ing your M is at least in part about doing what works which is why there's a LRT when nothing else does. I'm assuming this is because sometimes you can follow all the DB rules and nothing will change in your M.
I've done a lot of reading about infidelity since discovering my H's A. (He ended it prior to exposure and the A was exposed by the ow). Anyway, I think that perhaps you are dealing with a cake eater. Your H is getting some of his needs met by you and some by ow. I'm assuming you're meeting more of his needs, or he would already bombed you or left for ow at this point. But he hasn't and I think you have more power than you realize.
One thing that my H said since the A was exposed that really made me pause is that he knew if I found out about the A that I would not stay in our M if he chose to continue the A. He knew that about me. That if he wanted our M to survive, that ow had to go. I believe we've all made mistakes in our M's and that's why were here. Actually, no M is perfect because there are no perfect people but in one way or another, we do teach people how to treat us. This is my opinion so take it as you will because I don't know you but your H knows you and right now, he absolutely believes you will stay in the M while he's having an A. I think that's probably why he's cake eating and perhaps believes it can go on indefinitely or at least until he makes a decision.
I'm not saying you should confront him or that confronting is either good or bad. I think it depends on the situation, how long the A has gone on and the circumstances surrounding it. However, I do know without a doubt that if I knew about my H's A while it was going on, I would have confronted him and I would have let him know that I could not and would not be in M with three people. Not as an ultimatum but simply because that's one of my boundaries. I could not knowingly be the wife of some woman's (and I use that term loosely) boyfriend.
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
I'm unpopular sometimes because I don't necessarily agree with not confronting. By going along and not bringing it out in the open is contributing to the secrecy and thus the intensity. I wasn't an am not interested in being a silent threesome.
I didn't come to these boards until the A had been over for 5 months. I've told it before and I will tell it again. BEFORE I knew about DB, I had strong suspicions that my H's EA was more than that. And YES, he did deny it. I do believe now that my confronting him and ow set in motion the demise of their A. I would do it all over again. That is just me. I like DB because it addresses what needs to change in both partners. But hold that thought.....
I just knew I wasn't going to be able to live in a M where I wasn't the one he was completely devoted to. I also knew that confronting him and ow could possibly lead to his choice to leave. I was ready for that to happen. I guess what I am saying is that you will get to a point where you need it to change. Sounds like you are gearing up for that.
Yes, to all of the above.
Secrecy is a big part of A's. My H told me that if I had exposed the A at any time (not that I could have because I didn't know about it), he would have ended it because deep down he knew it was an R based on lies and deceit. He said exposure would have forced him to face this fact a lot sooner. Obviously my circumstances are different but my point is that it's not always so black and white. But in my case having the A exposed actually forced us to talk to each other with complete openeness and honesty and we moved very quickly to piecing. All the card were on the table and there were no more secrets. It's amazing how quickly we reconnected once we dealing with truth. Bear in mind, I did DB to the best of my ability for 4 months before it came out and H realized I was open to forgiveness and a new and better M so it couldn't have happened with out DB.
Anyway, I'm sharing my experience in the hope that you will take from it what you need. I wish you luck, Abbey.
