MLC or Passive Aggressive or Narcissism

[AntoniaB]

"This thread has changed the way I view mlc as it relates to PA types. I'm not sure they will ever "hit bottom". My X experienced a very chaotic, abused childhood. When really bad things would happen to us in our marriage she often would discount my reaction, often remarking, "That's life". Hitting bottom as we say could just be another "That's life" moment for them."

Another epiphany for me...when I think about my XH's family, this is the message he has been delivered his whole life...that most of life stinks, you'll never have a good job that fulfills you, and even if you do, someone's always out to get you. Therefore the only thing you can live for is the weekend, the night off, the occasional vacation. You pin every hope for fun on the times that are "entirely" in your control and you do what you want when you want in those times. There is no intrinsic value in anything you make or build. It's all just a pain, just work, and you trudge along hoping for small moments where you can just forget all that stuff.

In my very limited interaction with XH post-bomb, I have noticed that he lives this sort of mantra even more openly than he did with me. The last time we had an argument, it was over the fact that I had regained all my lost optimism and sense of feeling I can change many things in my life if I don't like them (except the way he feels about me of course) and he came back at me with this very angry "everyone hates going to work or it wouldn't be called work, that's NORMAL, and it's NORMAL to put all your emphasis in life into the times you're not working."

For him, he no longer has a home or yard--so when he's not working, he has zero responsibility other than perhaps doing his laundry or cleaning up his apartment.

XH has essentially decided, because this is the environment he was raised in, to not be able to handle it when anyone has any control over him. He's a teacher, and he has a lot of autonomy, but he can't stand it if someone else tells him what to do--especially someone with lesser experience. Rather than actually go back to school and become the one in charge, though, he'd rather just b*tch and moan about how bad it is...it's rather like his father when his father worked in a factory, complaining always about those in charge, or his mother who only ever worked part-time in grocery stores and who had a full-time job in a nursing home but was demoted when she gossipped uncontrollably about higher ups. So he's basically a lifelong curmudgeon...who has moments of happiness when he completely blacks out anything "work-related."

When we were together, of course, taking care of a house or property were also work to him...and he'd resent so badly that in his summer off he'd have all these house repairs to do that eventually I would say no, don't do them, let them go. Now I've got stuff breaking left and right that I'm having to pay to fix because he left things fall apart--but at the time I was trying to keep him happy, and taking responsiblity from him seemed to make him happy.

So the more I think about his P-A behavior and the messages he got from family, coupled with his own behavior which categorized "work" and "non-work" time as "evil" vs. "good", I think that if he does hit some bottom, he will definitely just chalk it up to "that's life" and not learn from it.

In fact at one point in the beginning of this mess, he said to me, "My brother was always a screwup, and I guess it was only a matter of time before I ended up as messed up as him. Maybe I am a bad person in my core. There is nothing I can do about it. This is who I am."

See I just think a person like this may be beyond repair. I know that I have made enormous changes in terms of the way I am since going through this experience. But I also have a VERY supportive family behind me and very supportive friends (and this board). I know how to ask for help and take constructive criticism.

XH has none of this. I once told XH that if he ever did hit rock bottom and lose OW and therefore "lose it all", that the only person who would be able to help him initially would be me. But his pride would never allow him to ask for help. I know it.

I hate to say he's a lost cause, but every day I think this has to be the case. I feel sorry for him.