W came to pick boys up this morning after being gone since Thurs. She hung around for about an hour. Towards the end they began acting up and being disrespectful. My middle S did not want to go to her house with her and it snowballed a little bit from there.
We were having a decent interaction prior to this and then she began making comments about how they need to come to her house to get in check and she can't believe how disrespectful they are. Too bad all they do at her house is play w/ their cousins and pick up bad habits while she texts or is on the computer (at least that is what my boys tell me).
I didn't let her bait me. They seem to act up when she comes here and my W and I both have noticed this on several occasions. She has said a few times maybe she shouldn't come over anymore and I have just validated.
I told her Welcome back as she was leaving and she seemed frustrated.
The constant back and forth from house to house definitely weighs on our kids. I know they would prefer her here and they are reacting from their emotions. Its tough to manage them, act as if, detach, and be strong but it is what it is right now.
Had a decent week, played bball 2 nights, and worked out another. Oldest had 3 bball games this week and they have clinched #1 seed.
Had dinner w/ boys and W tonight at my house. She also had our nephew (sil's son) who is 7 and is having a lot of difficulties (behavioral, emotional). My W and I have cared for him more than his M and he and my sil, along w/ her 3 other kids are living at my WAW's place.
My W continues to willingly take more care of him than his own mother which I commend but also frustrates me. She stated to me when she was reluctant to take them in that she was not going to enable her sister and she was going to teach her how to be a good parent and not parent for her. Well I thought otherwise but kept it to myself and I'm sorry to say it is the case.
She spends more time w/ him than she does w/ our own kids. She is a fixer/care-taker and always has been and she has felt and told me that when her focus isn't 100% on me & our kids that I unfairly get upset.
This seems like a valid example of that. However, I enjoy watching him, spending time with him, having him over for dinner, etc. as well but tonight she mentions the possibility of her taking over custody of him.
She has hinted at this previously and I have just validated as I did again tonight. I mean shouldn't she consider slightly asking my opinion of this?? We are currently married. Or is she already D'd in her mind and doesn't think it's necessary to get my thoughts?
For what it's worth I have said previously that we should just take him permanenly but that was a long time ago.
I'm not sure if I would be for it or against it at this time but of course it's out of my control anyway so whatever happens happens.
The mind of a WAW, smh.
And obviously I'm still having trouble detaching as things she says and does are still irritating/frustrating me.
You say you need to detach more, and that may be true but your GAL activities seem to be gong pretty strong. Maybe you need to just shift your attitude a little.
Do you see it as a positive that your W chooses to have dinner with you and the kids? Seems to me like it would be.
Regarding the nephew, it sounds like he is a needy child and it is good that you/W are there to care for him. My only caution is if you decide to adopt and then the M continues to deteriorate, then you've got another headache on your hands. Not to mention the emotional upheaval that would potentially cause to your nephew. Just be careful, is all I'm saying.
Oh, one other thing regarding your post from the other day. You said that after things began to deteriorate with the kids when your W was leaving, you said "Welcome home". Was there just a little snark in that comment? If not, do you see how it might have been interpreted? And, how does that get you closer to your objective. Just something to think about, SIAS.
Keep plowing ahead.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I see the dinner as positive for the most part. However, tonight we went out to dinner after my oldest s's last bball game of the season and my W was texting throughout the entire dinner.
This really bothers me that she can't be present w/ us and put her phone away but I didn't say anything about it. I think I may not continue to invite her out to dinner w/ us for a while as it bothers me too much and thus causes me to not enjoy myself as much.
This is one behavior that must be addressed and modified if we are to ever R. I will not stand for the person I am sharing a life with to act disintersted and not be present with me. This behavior has caused us arguments in the past but I have detached enough to not allow it to bother me as much and I have chosen not to say anything. Yet!
Someone remind me why we fight so hard and endure so much pain for someone who does not want to be with us?
Say you asked me about detaching I think That I stopped being afraid. That helped. Believe me I have my bad moments but they are less. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings no matter what they are. With the right timing someone will come along and post something that will clear things up. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I really want to work on myself more because from time to time feelings will resurface and I want to make sure that I deal with them instead of just moving forward. She had stated previously that she wants to remain seperated for 1 year (this is required in our state for a D to happen) so I have kept my timeline based on that.
Let me ask you something...
What is stopping you ?
You mentioned wanting to change some things in the house....
What is stopping you ?
She moved out, and has made her choices clear.
If you wanted to paint it pink, and hang fuschia chickens from the ceiling, that is YOUR choice. If she doesn't like it, then she can make different choices....
A lot of LBSs get stuck in that guilt over taking all of the blame for things. That guilt paralyzes the LBS into trying to fix, or think their way out of this.
Not gonna happen if your goal is to change the thinking of another person...
When a WAS walks, it is not a decision that they have taken lightly. I can't imagine the guilt that THEY feel over their choices. The blame shift, often relieves thier guilt for a while. Sometimes the WAS will take that look inward, and decide to be honest with themselves, sometimes they do not. The ones that are honest, will own their share of the breakdown.
IF...they decide to look back, there has to be something to see...NOT HEAR. IF they look back and see the same old same old, then there really isn't anything different. IF they decide to look back and see a different person, then that is what will intrigue them. But those things HAVE to be real. I can assure you that a WAS will sniff out fake changes, like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
What does detaching mean to you ?
To me, it meant loving my spouse enough to honor her choices. It didn't mean that I had to like them, but I honered them. It meant that I loved her enough to step back and find her own way through this. It meant taking the time to "own" the things that were real for me, and letting her think whatever she needed to think.
It meant taking a step forward for my life , while I respected her quest to do the same thing.
Detaching for me was when I started making choices...not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
I started acting and making rational decisions instead fo emotional ones.
With detaching, there came an internal peace over me. That regardless the outcome...I was in a much better place. I knew "my" truth, and until our truths started matching up, there was little I could do except learn from my mistakes, and strive to make better choices everyday.
Quote:
Another fear I am having is that I'm scared she will not change some of the things that I feel necessary for us to begin a new and improved M and thus I'm not sure if I want to remain M to her.
Hows that working for ya ???
Those are the things that you have to let go of. Drop the rope and stop trying to control what she is capable of.
Quote:
1-I still feel like she can be the 1 and we could have an amazing M but she would have to really commit and make some big changes. One of them is how unimportant I have felt for so long.
2- She has always been a fixer and her friends and family really take advantage of her in dumping their problems on her and she has a hard time saying no. I have felt for a long time that her interactions with them have taken a lot away from us and our potential. Right now she has taken her sister and her 4 kids in w/ her to help her sister out as she was about to lose her kids. My W is now basically raising them.
There are so many things wrong with this.......sigh
First....
If you feel like she is the one, then why not really make a stand ? Do what works. DB101 bro....
That is your fix for her problems. IF she would just come back, we could fix this.
It is not what she feels or thinks. You should really try to honor her choices there, regardless of how you feel things could be different.
2- Whatever you imagine happening in that house. You really don't know the whole truth. What you imagine, would actually be a whole lot different than what your mind is telling you it is.
Once again, we go back to honoring her choice. You don't have to like them, but fighting that, will keep you right where you are right now. Stuck in your own head.
Where is the focus of your attention ?
Quote:
My bottom line goal is for myself and her to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. Sometimes it's hard to maintain that focus when emotions are running wild.
Once again, your goal for her ????
How about some concrete goals that are for you, and only you. Some things that you CAN control ????
Anytime you place a goal on another person, we usually find our selves willing to seel out our character to acheive those. We attempt to control, manipulate, whatever needs to happen....right ?
Your goals should be for you. With your goals in line with the ultimate goal of being the better option if she were to look back.....
Once you can change your focus, your goals will follow
How about....
My bottom line goal is for me to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. and if she chooses to look my way again, I will be ready for that. IF she doesn't, then I will be ready for that too.
Quote:
Someone remind me why we fight so hard and endure so much pain for someone who does not want to be with us?
For better or worse....NOT for better, or until things become tough and I choose to bail out.
Detaching doesn't mean she can't come home down the road. It means that you never left. You just became a man that made much better choices for himself.
Wow Mach- Thanks for the post, a lot of food for thought. I have read twice and want to process a little more before I respond. I really appreciate your time.
Say, I just read your thread because it is very close to mine (though you are further along than I am) and this is the main issue I struggle with. Keep your head up!!
Biggest difference is we're only 3 weeks post bomb and we're still living together (which makes some things easier and some things harder).
Mach, amazing post and made things so much clearer for me in my sitch!!! I appreciate everything you and the other vets do for us newbies!!
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
W has really been struggling lately, yesterday she got so stressed and worked up about her work that she threw up. She barely eats anything and has lost a lot of weight and is really struggling.
She was hospitalized a couple weeks ago as she also is having some heart issues. She missed her most recent appointment w/ her heart doctor and she does not seem in any kind of a rush to reschedule. She of course always says she's fine and just brushes it aside but I obviously know better.
I checked with her about her health and what she ate today and she got defensive which is usually the case. I told her I can stop asking her but i don't want her to think that I don't care because that is why I ask.
She tells me that I ask her in a condesending way and she feels like a 5-year old. (Of course she acts like 1 at times) I apologize and stress to her that she really needs to take care of herself better. She has our 3 boys and then her sister's kids who she watches and they all depend on her.
As I write this I can see where she is coming from. I asked her if she had a friend that was in her position what would she do. She says that they are an adult and can take care of themselves.
She then tells me what about when I was going through some tough times previously (mild depression) I said that she got on my a** and did what she thought was helpful.
She asked if I felt like a 5-year old and I said at times, yes. She apologized. I asked her what she thought my motive/intentions are in asking her to take better care of herself and she said because I care. I said absolutely. I asked her if she preferred me to not ask or check in on her health wise as it seems like she takes it as me nagging or if I should check in but try to do it in a non-condesending way.
She said she wants me to check in in a non-condesending way and said that if she is bitchy to remind her that she told me to do so.
So all in all the communicaiton was helpful to me in that I got a clue of something that I probably do a lot and that is come across as condesending. I'm not sure how I keep track of this or correct it but i guess with everything, awareness that it is going on is the first step.
[quote=Say] I really want to work on myself more Let me ask you something...
What is stopping you ?
I guess nothing is stopping me except for myself. The daily grind of life is just an excuse so I really need to make this a priority. And I guess I really am unsure how to be more effective at this except for to reflect, journal, and do my best to learn how things I did or didn't do led to where I am currently at and what behaviors and other things I don't want to take with me into the future.
You mentioned wanting to change some things in the house....
What is stopping you ?
I was actually wondering if I should change some things in the house as a strategy to show my W that I am moving forward. I have changed a few things but am wondering if this is against keeping the road home smooth and paved. I am fine with not really changing anything but also think maybe changing things up a little bit could be a good thing as I don't want myself or my W to think that things are stagnant and thus the same.
IF...they decide to look back, there has to be something to see...NOT HEAR. IF they look back and see the same old same old, then there really isn't anything different. IF they decide to look back and see a different person, then that is what will intrigue them. But those things HAVE to be real. I can assure you that a WAS will sniff out fake changes, like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
I believe I have made many changes and she has acknowledged a few of them. The changes were necessary for my health and my sanity so I did them for me and as a result I think it will benefit our M if it comes to that. I believe she is leery of these changes sticking which is a perfectly acceptable reaction so only time and consistancy can prove to her, myself, and anyone else that this is who I am.
