Today he stayed a little while after dropping off DD and he started talking about separating the bills and helping me find an apt (my choice to move and rent out the house). I kept my composure the entire time and when he left I cried my eyes out. He comes around more. Lingers after dropping off the kids. We are going out as a family this weekend with our friends and their DD. He's a people pleaser and hates it when anyone thinks bad about him. Therefore this situation has not only hurt some friendships but it has become his goal to make ammends w these people.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Today was a roller coaster day. He came over earlier then he had said, 9:30am instead of 11:30am. He still has my house key I lent him (and asked for) but still knocks and waits for me to open the door. My tire got a flat and he took it go get it fixed. He offered. (something he used to do before but during and after DD he stopped). I had his truck and snooped. He had an extra change of clothes with a receipt from Guess for something. I told him we need to separate our money because I don't feel comfortable knowing he spends his money on her. I took a Benadryl for the anxiety and kept telling myself, this is not a crises just a problem and it can be solved. This allowed us to talk about how I still see us as a couple which brought about the anxiety and that by separating the bills, I'll feel better. Also, since I don't work, I still feel dependent on him and separating the money will make me feel more independent. He agreed. He said the receipt was for a gift he bought a friend and kept trying to convince me it wasn't for OW. I told him, it's none of my business what he does w his money. I said. I trust you not because you tell me to but because of your actions. I coudl tell he really liked this. I said, you know I'm not a patient person but this experience has forced me to be patient. Not only has it helped me be a better person but my relationships w other people are better because of it. He also liked this too. I said, I didn't believe you were going to IC but in the past 6mos I've seen you change. You are no longer looking for something to satisfy you. You seem more content with what you have. He liked this too. He took S3 and D6mos out. I met him a couple hrs later at a store where he dropped off D6mos while S3 stayed with his parents and ex went to watch the Super bowl w his friends. When I got home I realized my house was locked and no keys. Before I would have had him come home ASAP and bitched but I said, don't worry about it. I'll go stay with my sister til my mom brings the extra key. He was still worried (not convinced and told me to call as soon as I got to my sisters. During and after DD, he showed no interest and made it obvious that he didn't care. He said he'll be at my house tomorrow morning and will give me the extra key but I should put another key in the garage. Earlier today he was giving opinions on home improvement projects I should consider for the house. He continues to say, this would be a great idea for you because the house will look better. I told him I want to rent the house and move. I told him its because he brought her to our house and f$& her in our bed. He feels "guilty" and wants to convince me to stay. I tell him I don't know if i will move but for now im taking it one day at a time. I wish I moved on already but I continue to practice DBing. Yesterday he invited me to the movies w S3 and D6mos and lunch. He's only done this a few times. It was nice. I felt relaxed and laughed at everything my kids did.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I still want to continue with 180 before going to LRT. Back in Oct I did LRT too early for him to see or really believe I had changed. Also, a couple days ago I told him S3 had been telling me that he wishes daddy lived w us like before. I asked him if he could stay 1 or 2 times a week. He said he was worried I would back off (go dark) like I did after Christmas. He said we should revisit the idea after some more time.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
He called to ask for my friends husbands number. He wants to apologize to him. Back in June when I suspected OW, my friends husband reached out to him and ex didn't tell him the truth. He said I was overreacting about the fb message I found between him and OW and that things between were over from a long time ago. Ex told me that he wants to apologize and try to keep that friendship.
This is something he is learning to do w IC. I'm very very impressed. Before he would have just lost the friendship or waited for years to go by so that he wouldn't have to talk about what happened. He's also making some changes which is good.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I had a rough morning (got my period) so I was in a down mood. He came over this morning with Starbucks (yay!), dressed S3 and sat him down w breakfast while I showered. I heard him collect the trash and he said he was going to put the bins out on the curb (during n after DD he would only do it if I asked -now he does it every Mon morning). I'm doing this new thing (actually old) where I don't text ppl as much, especially him. I noticed he's even more open and relaxed w me. Today I called him just to thank him for coffee n the trash. Before, when I started 180 I would text. Even then it felt awkward. I could tell he felt weird cuz he giggled. I NEVER used to thank him for anything. Now I do i thank him and family n friends.
GAL: I called up my stay at home mom friend and we took the little ones to an indoor playground and went to have sushi for lunch. It was nice
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
He unexpectedly came over this morning to help get S3 ready for preschool. It gave me a chance to shower. While S3 was in preschool I went with my exMIL to see someone who works on your emotional pressure points. It was my 3rd visit with him so it was nice for him to say that I look much more relaxed.
We picked up S3 and went to lunch. Came home and napped with D6mos and S3. He came over and we went to coparenting therapy. During the session we talked about some important ways to communicate but what was more impacting (as always) is what we talk about on the ride home. I pushed the conversation and asked if the reason he had the affair and continued his relationship is because she is an emotional support. He said yes. That he never felt that way with me. The only person he's ever felt this way with is his mother. I felt as if I found a key that unlocked the door.
I went on to say that as long as he finds that from her he will not see it in me. That if he had told me that that is what he wanted from me, I could have given him that. I went on to tell him that he won't always be able to come over as often as he does. I told him I appreciate his help but there will be a time when we will have to set stricter boundaries. I said, I know you get some emotional support from us because you come over as often as you do. He didn't answer.
I didn't cry or raise my voice. Just talked with reason. He wasn't upset but did seem uncomfortable. I ended it by telling him thank you for being open with me that although it hurts I appreciate it.
He just called like 5 times (missed calls). I gave my son the phone to play with while I typed. I answered just now and he wanted to know if I was ok. I sounded upbeat and said yes.
I want to LRT, not because I want him back, but cuz I'm really hurt and feel like I can't do anything to show him I can be the emotional support. Doesn't matter how much of a 180 I have done, he won't look for that in me, regardless. I'm so hurt.
I'm going to set up my next session with a DBcoach. I don't know what else to do
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
He came over this morning to help me with the kids. This is now a daily morning routine. I always say thank you n have a good day. He'll say you too and to call him later. I never/seldom do. He always calls.
Today S3 had his routine hematology appt. Since DD I told him he needs to go to S3 drs visits, which are now once a month. He's been good about it. He even said he now knows what I had to go thru when S3 was smaller. Since S3 was having something at school tomorrow I said, I need you to help me at the appt w D6mos when they draw S3 blood but I know S3 would love it if you went to his school tomorrow.
About an hr later he called and said he would meet us at the drs clinic. I called back n said thank you. (later he told me he was going to cancel -work related- but because I said thank you he didn't
At the clinic we were good, relaxed, laughing at our kids do funny things. I said, don't worry. I won't bring up anything heavy. He said you never mean to but you do. I laughed n said, true.
I asked him to watch the kids next Sat morning n he said, why? U got a hot date? I said, wouldn't you like to know. I didn't tell him but I'm going to the spa w friends. I also asked him to watch the kids on tonite. I said I'm going out w Sandra. Did t tell him we're going to her church. AND. I asked him to also watch the kids next Tuesday. He said ok. I don't have plans. It like HELL. I'm staying home on Valentines.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Last night I went to an Al Anon meeting. It's on my GAL list. I think it was so meant to be because the topic was DETACHMENT and boy do I need to detach! I realized I can continue to love him without having to wrap myself up in his continuing problem. I see him now as an addict, constantly needing a fix (emotional attachment). I realize now he was looking for a codependent relationship just like the one he has with his mother. I will never be his mother nor will I partake in his world as his codependent partner. I'm also thinking this may or may not work out between us because he continues to need that dysfunctional emotional attachment. I guess I get points today for coming to this realization. I just hope I continue to remember this! It's definitely something I need to ingrain in my head!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
