If you haven't read my sitch, the short story is that my W had a couple EA's that were headed toward physical and dropped the bomb, asking for divorce. I was able to DB pretty effectively and have been piecing for some time.
We've been stuck in a dynamic where I would like more from the marriage, but my W would just like to be accepted for what she's willing to bring and to be asked for no more.
My W feels she has a very unhappy part of her personality that she has accepted and is not willing to work on. She tends to feel inadequate, and views any request that I might make as a veiled complaint. She believes that she disappoints me and makes me sad, and that makes her sad.
For my part, I really want this to work! I do love my W, we have a great life together outside of our current difficulties, and a great family with 3 kids. I'm very attracted to her and like spending time with her.
If I could wave a magic wand, I would like her to address her unhappiness and self-esteem issues, and work on getting to a happier place for herself. I would also like her to get more comfortable sexually, and to find a way to enjoy having sex for herself, to find a way to let herself be pleased. I would also like her to be honest about what she wants from the relationship and what she needs from me, so that I understand her expectations and know the landscape.
Selfishly, I would like to feel needed and wanted. I would like to feel that she's chosen to stay in the marriage because she enjoys being with me versus liking the "package" I represent (lifestyle, intact family, finances, etc.) I don't want to be the path of least resistance, or for her to secretly feel she'd be happier with someone else.
I met individually with my MC today and oddly enough he was encouraging me to consider ending the marriage. He said that I'm willing to do the work, I'm willing to put things on the table and deal with them. He said that W has taken a critical self-healing mechanism off the table -- she's not willing to change or work on the marriage, she just wants to be accepted as she is and for what she's bringing.
He said that if she's not meeting what I need to receive, and is telling me plainly that she's not willing to work on it, then I should seriously consider leaving.
We have a joint appt next Monday night. I'm really not sure how I should think about this latest advice or what direction I should take the MC session in. The advice was unexpected, and I really don't know what to think.
The MC suggested that I come up with a "contract" that specifies what needs to happen in the marriage for me to be happy. He said that if we accept that W will not change sexually, will not give me "words of affirmation" and otherwise will not work on improving things, what *can* she do to allow me to accept the situation and stay.
I've been feeling lately that W is "assigning" unhappiness to me when I don't feel unhappy. I don't believe that I am now, or have historically walked around complaining or presenting a list of demands. Most of my recent angst has been an inner dialog and on this board. My W tends to tell me that I'm feeling unhappy, then not accept it when I tell her I'm not, or that it doesn't have to do with her. I guess one item for the contract would be that she needs to stop looking for dissatisfaction and instead focus on happiness.
Thoughts? I'm pretty shaken up.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
