Too Little, Too Late....part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Ideas needed please....

MIL had an interesting theory about what H is going through.... She thinks that he is acting out of character. She does agree that something drastic needed to happen in our M because she could tell that both of us weren't happy.


don't lose sight of this^^^ b/c it is the only thing you control

and it's awfully easy to label his behavior in MLC or mortality concerns...just a reminder...the focus isn't on HIM, it's on your life. And labeling it does what? Steers away from your own work and avoids dealing with the marriage's problems?


BUT his extreme detachment and cruelty towards me as well as him going out all the time to "be happy" aren't like him.


Purg, I must have missed something. The guy, compared to most WAHs is not "extremely detached or cruel"...he asks the bil about you in the game, which shows interest, and he shows concern for your health and goes to your appointments when you ask him to...Don't revise...Read up on other situations if you want to see real cruelty, given the givens.

She thinks that he's acting these ways out of fear of going to AFG in a few months. H has shared some of these feelings with me (before the bomb) but never came right out and said that he is scared- a guy thing?


Seems natural...
My h is deploying, my brother is there now and we lost a brother in 2007 (I'm now one of 9, not 10)...

You bet my h is in the best shape of his life right now. For good reason. I served during the Gulf War and got in the best shape of my life then too...seriously, better than ever. (My brother who is there now is the only person I know who isn't in great shape. It's like he's pushing his luck for some reason -Losing brother/ survivor guilt??)...but that's another story.

FIL did 3 tours in Vietnam and an earlier tour in Korea. He always got in great shape before hand and jammed in some time with his sons fishing and hunting and discussing "life things" before each tour. This is normal and healthy to me.

And not a 'guy thing' in the sense that female soldiers are different. We are not different in this context. Those of us who were going or might have, ALL got in shape and did some bucket list things and if we were moms too, (which sukks) we spent lots of mama time.



MIL feels that he's wanting to do everything possible to enjoy life- because he's afraid he might not come back. It makes sense. Evidence:
*He works out 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. He's told MIL that he wants to be in peak physical shape before he goes over there. He's put on 8 lbs of muscle in the last month alone, about 30 lbs in the last 6 months.


Well, okay...So? What's wrong with this? AND, what are YOU going to DO about any of this? Spend time wondering what it all means?

Is that where you want your focus to be? And btw, losing weight and getting in shape IS normal for deploying soldiers...AND it's also normal for men who expect to be single soon...(sorry) but either way,

it does not change your course, does it?


*He goes out Friday/Saturday nights until 3 in the morning (when it's not his weekend, and I've witnessed the '3 am' arrival a few times.) H is naturally social, but also a homebody- we always had parties and gatherings at our house, but he hates bars/clubs.
*He has said: "when I take my 4 weeks of leave before I go, I probably won't be around much because I want to travel around and do things that I want to do- some with the boys and some without." This is unusual because H is cheap and hates to travel. And the past 4 deployments, he's always isolated himself with me and the kids to spend as much time with us- and those were only 8 month deployments, not a year.

This^^^ is the only thing that is different, so far.

There's other strange sayings and actions from him that lend itself to MIL theory.
Any of our Military peeps out there- your insight would be helpful. I don't think he will ever tell me or admit that he's scared, but I don't think it's healthy for him to keep all that bottled up inside. Should I approach him and say something like:
"I can only imagine how scary it must be to think about going over there. I'm sure you are anxious and nervous during this time that you are preparing to go. I know you are going to miss the boys terribly. Please let me know what I can do to help ease your tensions."

IMO, No-- you are mind reading, and he may take it as an insult. You can ASK him how he feels about it. Then LISTEN...do not fix or suggest....don't even invite your involvement...just ask and listen.

I'm probably not the one that he wants to talk to- perhaps he's already shared his fears with OW. I know that he won't approach me to talk, but if I broke the ice with something like that statement above, I know that he will open up and vent to me. **H has always told me that I'm the best person for him to talk through problems with because I help him see new perspectives and ease his worries**

Any ideas about how to handle this would be great

see above.

And fyi, Purg-

my biggest regret in how I behaved with H, (other than the anger part)

was how much time I WASTED on what H was thinking/doing/saying/planning

when it ALL should have been about ME creating MY LIFE and GAL and our children's future...

Stay in your sandbox and do your work. Otherwise it's a bunch of you talking behind his back and making his r with his mother suffer (to HIM that's how it'll look)

and over time, she'll choose her son over you.

Tread carefully with trying to diagnose and treat him. And I'm not sure I understand your apparent sense of urgency here. Okay so he's either evolving and changing or he's acting out of character...but

He doesn't feel he is the "wrong" one or the one with the problem. Besides, your mil agrees the m wasn't a good one before he left. He needs to believe the marriage can be better/different for you to reconcile. So how does any of this help that occur?

Your focus needs to be showing YOUR NEW SELF...Changes---Anger? What anger? Temper? What's that?

You are the New Improved Zen serene purg...