Young and the restless? No it's Older and Patient

[AntoniaB]

I just thought I'd jump in here to say that nothing has cleared the cobwebs out of my head more than being single by choice. I've been divorced for just over a year, and I have turned down some offers for dating because I wasn't interested in the men who asked me out for various reasons. I went through a period of "getting back out there" and trying to actively "find" someone, figuring that this was what I needed to do to get on with my life/clear the cobwebs/start a new direction, but that didn't feel right either because it felt like I was trying to force the issue of dating down my own throat. Then I just decided I was going to live my life and be ok with being single, and frankly, the longer I am single, the BETTER it is helping me to detach from XH.

I can't explain it, but it's true. I felt more ATTACHED to him when I was trying to find a guy--maybe it's because I was inadvertently comparing XH to men I met, I don't know. But in this long period (which for all I know could be indefinite) of being single, I am feeling an enormous amount of clarity about everything.

Often I think that our wish to start a new relationship comes from our thinking that that's what we need to do to "move on." I do think a new relationship is important at some point and part of the process. But I also think you can move on without a new relationship with a significant other. I think you can simply choose to work on your relationship with yourself AND your family and friends--strengthening the ties you have with other people in a non-romantic way. The stronger you are as an individual, the better you will be in a rel. with a significant other.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you aren't sure about any decisions, you can choose to NOT decide, really, and just lay low and be peaceful with yourself. Friends who say you need to get dating again and get married again mean well, but they probably assume this is a quick fix, and really, we know it's probably not going to help in the long run. I've spent a lot of time trying to "educate" my friends on how much happier I am choosing to be single, and they've backed off the whole "you need to date NOW" mantra...