Holding each other prisoner.

[macvspc]

My original thread: After one year of separation, wife wants divorce

Hello all, I have be reading up on many of the threads. Crimson - your situation is awesome, Rick89 - keep on DBing, etc...

Here it is now a year and a half since I left the home in anger and hurt and no movement either way. I guess this could be seen as a positive thing since no one has filed but we still are in limbo.

I chose the title of this thread because this is how I feel we are, holding each other prisoner. Both afraid to answer and both afraid to move forward in either direction. However, I get the sense that my wife is feeling like I have a gun to her head (Thanks DG) wanting a decision.

We have not talked about our M since June of 2011 when we had a big blow out. We have continued to act as a family when together and on outings. W and kids went to her parents house for Thanksgiving and Christmas while I stayed here and took care of house and animals. Felt good to sleep in my own bed for that time but weird at the same time.

I think OM is still in the picture but have stopped snooping to confirm. Its hard not to let your mind play tricks on you when a text or an email comes in to wait till she walks out of the room to look, but I am wining that battle. I guess this is where the feeling of being held prisoner for her might come in, mind reading? I avoid glancing over her shoulder when she is on her laptop or texting. But its like fighting an addiction isn’t it? The desire to get answers or move in any direction plays tricks on my mind and heart.

Some insight I have had lately:

1. I don’t blame my wife for not trusting me. Why? Reading from other posts here on the MB, I am learning about how the WAW was hurt in the M and how difficult it can be to trust the H to not hurt her again. For 11 years, it was a roller coster and painful for both of us. Sandi2 and 25, you have been a lantern for me when things get dark. To see the POV from you helps put ego in check!

2. I have to forgive myself for walking out on my family. I am to blame for giving up and not fighting for this M or family. That night in July of 2010 when I walked out the door stating I wanted a divorce, hurts me to this day.

3. The OM is not the problem in the M but a symptom of how bad this M was. As other H admit to this, so do I. By not connecting with my W, I gave room for this guy to move in.

4.My children are doing well without us being together. So does this speak to those who believe that children rebound after a separation/divorce? The jury is still out on that one, but we are being good co-parents, just not H and W.

There is still a lot of fear of failure and I know I have more work to do on myself. I guess time and space is all I can give and ask for myself.

TIA,
mac