DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

[Mach1]

The looking back over your shoulder to see where she is , is what is keeping you from your things.

In a sense I know this but my intellectual understanding doesn't always jive with my emotional maturity

But.....

Buts are excuses for not doing better....

Everytime you use the word "but" in that context, you dis-qualify everything preceeding it.

All I saw was .....

I know this

BUT

I think I know better, and I want my way, so I am gonna follow my own rules and do it anyway.....

You looking back over your shoulder is what is keeping her from doing HER things.

Maybe...I'm not sure about this...I guess as long as she knows what my goal is in this sitch...it can't help but put some type of pressure on her

You SHOW her what your goal is by your actions. You have already TOLD her what your goal is.

You show her that you are capable of living a fulfilled life, and if she chooses to be a part of that, then you would welcome that.

That is the attractive part.

People tend to gravitate toward happy people

You stated above that you are tired of living "as if". That might be the biggest thing that you need to realize right now.

What good is realizing this? I'm not sure what you mean by realizing it is the biggest thing? You mean, don't live as if, just live? Did you go through this process like me? How did this go for you?

Yes, I went through this.

How did it go for me ?

It went well, after I finally understood what it meant to live. I was an "I know, I know" kinda guy. I thought that there was something I could DO to change my surroundings.

I thought that I could change the outcome if I did this enough, or that enough. I was too close to the forest to see the trees around me. I was too wrapped up in what my x was doing, and who she was with or what OUR future looked like, that I couldn't see that my future was right in front of me.

My expectations were hinged on that of another human being. I was expecting HER to lead me. I looked at her every move and anal-ized it to death. I wondered what it meant if she wore blue eyeliner instead of the green she normally did....

And everyday, I would ask the same questions to the same people, in an effort to diagnose what it meant. And every day, I would get a response back from the people that helped me the most, telling me that I just needed to live for me and my children.

I thought that was what I was doing.

When I started taking charge of my life a little more, it was a day by day thing. It was a conscious effort to do what needed to be done, regardless of the feedback. It became about what I needed to do for me, and to not worry about where she was, or how she was. And slowly...I detached.

No person can tell you what the future has in store for you. Nothing in life is a guarantee. No person should hold that much power over another human being.

Rick, I will tell you that I think you have a real good chance in having another shot at this. Her confusion is on your side.

You didn't get to where you are now overnight, and you will NOT get out of this overnight.

The future is gonna happen. No matter how hard you try to stop it or change it. Focusing on HOW you can change it is a waste of precious time. Stepping back, and taking the time to really take a long look at yourself, is your best weapon right now.

This will all resolve in time. I promise you that. There is nothing you can do to change it, yet there are things you can do to INFLUENCE it......

What kind of an influence are you having ???

You gotta move if you want someone to follow you.

You have to become whole, within yourself, if you want her to look for you on the other side of her tunnel

Right now, you are working towards your fears instead of away from them, because you haven't addressed them yet.

Can you give me a practical example of this? I kind of understand this but not sure. Do you mean I'm trying to force my fears into a workable daily existance as opposed to just going where my life and soul lead me?

\/ \/ \/

You re-fuel yourself, from the inside. Stop looking towards her to do that for you.

For you to do that did you have to just let your M go, whatever the outcome? Did you let go so much that you were essentially a single guy again, open to anything? Did you draw some line where you would go while in this process with your W?

I always say to watch your thoughts.....

Why ?

Because your thoughts become your words, your thoughts also become your actions. Your actions become your character. If you think in terms of absolute, then your life becomes absolute.

Where does your Faith lie ?

You have to have faith in this process, that it guide you to where you NEED to go.

You have to have faith in yourself that you are capable of this.

You have to have faith that SHE will do HER work...

Faith, yes, or moments of losing it. i think this has been a lifeling issue for me...in many cases feeling me against the world...or thinking my way out of a surrenduring to faith

Faith in yourself.....

I posted something to Truegritter a couple years ago, and I have always loved the analogy about faith, and believing in ones self...






I want you to understand something.

All of these new found things about yourself.

You need to be patient with you as well.

These discoveries you are having need to be "felt" to become real.

I have always said that you have to "own" your emotions, and this is no different. It is okay to realize that there is a problem with something, and learn what it is , and how to overcome.

HOWEVER....YOU need to own these things that you are finding.

You have to own it, feel it, embrace it, and take action on it.

AND....if you are sitting there shaking your head yes, and thinking "I know " , I'm coming to visit you with a real 2x4......

Real change takes courage in the face of the battle....fearing the unknown, yet reacting with a lack of fear.

And I'm not convinced that one can go into said battle with someone else's battle plan....

All of your realizations are great Grit.....They really are.....

Unless you own them for you, and actually live them, they will mean nothing to you in the end.

Sometimes I see you acknowledging things simply because someone here says to.

Slow down,and carefully examine you, feel these things as you go through them...

This is a process....

Processes take time....

Everything happens for a reason and by the grace of God, on HIS time.....

Nothing like hanging a $10k chandelier in an outhouse.....?????



The only way to do it , is through it...


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What I am beating into you is....

If you go to the Goodwill store and buy an old jacket....

One that fits you really well...

Looks really good...

And is priced right....

That jacket, although you have it for years, will never really be a part of you the way that your skin is...

So, although you may be recognized by it, and associated by it, you can still take it off at night and hang it in a closet...

It will never be you.....just an extension of you...

It's the you that you can't hang up that needs to be associated with you...





Personality is who the world sees...

Character is who you are when the lights are off...





These changes have to be your skin....not the jacket.


Make more sense ?

You're The Man Mach...thx

I'm just a guy who has walked this path...

[labug]

(((Rick))), so sorry about your Pats.

I'm glad Mach is taking you thru the paces because I think it's helping a lot of us. I know it's helping me.

[tenbusrider]

I agree LA, I've gotten to where I look for Mach's posts. Sometimes wonder if he chose that screen name because that's the speed his 2x4s move at!

[Cadet]

I'm glad Mach is taking you thru the paces because I think it's helping a lot of us. I know it's helping me.

Yes he keeps teaching people how to fish.
Then you will never be hungry.

Of course I would probably give you the fish.
Then you will be hungry tomorrow.

Right Mach?

[Mach1]

<(((((-<<

[rickb89]

Mach - need to reread your reply when I get home tonight...but in the meantime thanks again. I can't help but thinking of you as one of the Shaolin Masters in the old Kung Fu series....do you not hear the grasshopper at your feet? You know?

[2thepoint]

"When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave."

I think this ^^^^^ could be a metaphor for when we have successfully busted our D's.

[rickb89]

Buts are excuses for not doing better....

Everytime you use the word "but" in that context, you dis-qualify everything preceeding it.

All I saw was .....

I know this

BUT

I think I know better, and I want my way, so I am gonna follow my own rules and do it anyway.....

Maybe. I need to take this inside and see what's what....this could be on of those Holy Shyte moments



My expectations were hinged on that of another human being. I was expecting HER to lead me

How the "f" did I not see this? (slap to forehead)

You didn't get to where you are now overnight, and you will NOT get out of this overnight.

I don't know why this came to mind...."When you can walk the rice paper and leave no trace...then it is time for you to go". You know it took grasshopper years to unlearn how he walked all wrong....weight on the balls of feet, etc,...and then learned over the years how to walk differently...and leave no trace.

Stepping back, and taking the time to really take a long look at yourself, is your best weapon right now.

I owe to it myself. Somehow obvious and I didn't really see this or do it enough.

Because your thoughts become your words, your thoughts also become your actions. Your actions become your character. If you think in terms of absolute, then your life becomes absolute.


Yeah, absolutes. Jesus.

These discoveries you are having need to be "felt" to become real.

[color:#FF0000]Hmmmm...trying to make sure I really get this, not just say okay the words make sense, got it.

Real change takes courage in the face of the battle....fearing the unknown, yet reacting with a lack of fear.

I wish....will pay more conscious attention to this concept. Odd that I have been this way in so many other areas of my life...need to bring it to this area

It's the you that you can't hang up that needs to be associated with you...

Damn
[/color]

Mach - thank you so much!

[keep_going]

R89,

Wow... I just spent the last hour reading your thread.

Thank you for opening up so candidly and sharing your experiences and journey with us. It is clear to me that you are doing a lot of hard work and I hope you can see the progress in YOURSELF (please notice I didn't say progress in your M )

I am trying to learn from your own discoveries and I also want to thank Mach for leading you in this journey - I am trying to absorb what he is saying to you and apply it to my sitch.

From what you describe, it seems like your W is making progress in her own journey. In my humble opinion, I find it very hopeful that you are both aware of each others' necessary journey and are respectful of the process. So time can only be on both your sides...
Regardless of the outcome of the M, you have to know now that this necessary pain and process can only be good for both of you - either together or apart.

I admire your strength. You are shouldering and carrying the whole weight of your marriage's "reality" (if that makes sense). For you, your W, your kids, your family, your business... I can see where the burnout occurs. You are in the fight of your life, the fight for your own happiness. But is there any other fight that is more worth fighting for?

You should feel good about how far you have come. Please pat yourself in the back a little bit, will you?

And something you mentioned a few posts back stuck with me - patience...
So hard to keep it, even after you check off other items in the DBing list...

I will continue to follow you in your journey and growth and keep learning from it. Thanks for giving me inspiration!

[rickb89]

Real change takes courage in the face of the battle....fearing the unknown, yet reacting with a lack of fear - Mach 1.

Those who know don't talk...those who talk don't know - Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching.

I'm thinking about how I often talk more when I'm afraid of something inside, and it may be delaying me from facing the need to change, to focus on the self.

I'm thinking about how much time and effort I have been spending on my W, evaluating her every gesture in terms of how it impacts us.

Just recently I have noticed my W paying closer attention to me, almost like realizing that I'm here too. After reading Mach's recent posts it got me thinking about how the DB book advises us to look for the small positive changes in our S, and don't expect the big grand gesture of reconciliation. I find I'm too hung up on the small gestures, evaluating, assessing, assigning meaning, etc. If we had a successful M I would not be living like this. I would not have to put so much effort into what should otherwsie just be moments of us living our life together.

I'm seeing how I need to focus on my soul's journey, not depend on hers for my life. It's not easy. I kind of feel like I walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm very anxious, nervous, fearful but need to do it anyway, and have faith in the higher power.