I am a newcomer and have been desperately waiting to post in this forum. Please forgive me if I don't know all the abbreviations yet, but I need to get this off my chest, and I will try to be as concise as possible.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have no children. This is the second marriage for both of us. When we originally got together, I he was already divorced, but I was legally separated, but still technically married. He knew this but we agreed to continue to see each other casually and started a bonafide relationship once my divorce was final.
Since we have been together (9 years in each other's lives, 6 years living together, 3 years married) I thought our relationship and subsequent marriage was fine. We had our ups and downs and arguments, but nothing that I felt would have me here right now.
My H is an entrepreneur and I had a corporate job until about 2 years ago. Since his business has been unsteady, I have been the breadwinner most of the time. I didn't have a problem with this, but I think it was taking a toll on his ego. In his past relationships and marriage, he took care of everything and I believe a lot of his self worth is tied to what he does for his significant other.
I have been growing increasingly frustrated because even though I was holding down the fort, he wasn't expressing any appreciation at all. Resentment set in and we were fighting like crazy. He is a very mild mannered and quiet guy and he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't like to argue, so he would rather say nothing than to argue which in turn infuriated me even more. Some of our interactions were not healthy (but never physical).
Fast forward to about 5 months ago, after the surprising death of his aunt, he announced to me that he needed to make a change in his life, that he wasn't happy in the marriage and hadn't been for awhile, that he actually "checked" out of the marriage back in '09 (never mentioned this to me) and that he wanted a divorce. He went on the tell me that every since we got together back in 03 that he was feeling guilty. He stated that God had spoke to him several time telling him that "he knows better than to deal with that woman" He said because he wanted to be with me, he ignored what he felt he heard and pursued me anyway. He also said that he subsequently married no only because he loved me, but he also felt that by "legitimizing" our union, that would somehow make it right with God.
He is now telling me that he feels because he was disobedient to go all those years ago that he felt our marriage has been "cursed" and that is why his business, and our marriage has not grown or prospered. He has NEVER told me about his until now. He said the reason why he didn't say anything was because he wanted to try to fix it on his own and he didn't want to hurt my feelings by suggesting that I was somehow a curse to him. So he kept it to himself while silently hoping that the marriage would self correct.
After he told me, he seems so convicted in leaving. I keep asking him to give me the opportunity to help him address the issues because I feel like I was fighting against a silent enemy that I didn't know was there.
He stated that he felt he gave it enough time in his mind because he has been tormented with guilt and depression about it for so many years. He is at his wits end and he wants out immediately. I feel hurt and devastated because I feel that he is not taking my feelings into considerations. I know that I have done things in the marriage that have made his feel emasculated, but I still feel like I don't deserve to be blindsided by this.
I really feel like he is going through a mid life crisis brought on by the unexpectedly death in his family, He feels like he is failure in every aspect of his life, including the marriage and he feels like he has no control of anything in his life. I think he feels that this is one thing he can control and decide on his own (and he feels justified in is decision) and one less thing that he has to feel disappointed about.
I love my husband very much and I want to save our marriage. He has moved out this week and it's killing me. I have prayed, read forums, the bible scriptures and everything else I can get my hands on to keep me motivated. I think he is so angry with himself and where he is in his life that he can't be rational.
I am trying to stay prayerful, but it is really wearing on me which is why I am truly a "woman on the verge".
Please help me!
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
My sitch has some similarities to yours in that my W is using spirituality as the overarching reason to end our union. This is a particularly tough time, there's little else to be said about that.
Unfortunately, I cannot offer you much in the way of advice, but others here with more experience will chime in. Keep praying for strength, and try to begin focusing on what you can do to change yourself and hopefully his perceptions. He's probably every bit as confused as you are.
Hang in there.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Thanks so much for you response. I appreciate it. It is a very hard time. I noticed that you were separated on 11/2811/ and she moved back in on 12/28/11. If you don't mind me asking, what made her decide to move back in given her strong spiritual beliefs? My husband and I have been separated for a week and it's killing me. The only way that I get through other than prayer is just to pretend that he is on one of his business trips (he travels alot) and I just pretend that's where he is. Sad, I know.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
I must apologize, I'm on my phone so I can't post much right now, but my W moved back in for convenience. There's more info about it in my thread. Personally, I think the spiritually argument. Is just an easy excuse,though there's literally no way to argue with they're insistence that it comes from a higher power/purpose. My advice for now would be to ignore that and see if there are any reasons given that you are able to influence, like past behavior s.not much other insight I can give for now. Find the 37 points and start following those as much as you can, given your own sitch. I'll post more later if you have any other questions.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Thanks for the information. I appreciate it. Do you feel that her close proximity for convenience sake is helping or hurting your sitch? I know my husband is struggling. He is living in a friends basement and his friend has a wife and 4 kids. I know he is uncomfortable there, but he does not want to come back home, even for convenience.
Mr. Bond, yes, we went to a christian counselor last week. He really did it for me and just to say he did it. The counselor (who was a minister) pretty much told us that how we got together had no impact on the issues in our marriage. During the session he appeared to understand and agree with what the minister was saying but he didn't change his actions at all. I'm so frustrated!
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
Welcome to a great forum. I just wanted to comment. I'm certain that my H was going through a midlife crisis last summer as well. I didn't realize it at the time but his mother had gone into A-Fib with her heart, and it took a month to straighten that out, which could have been the proponent that sparked things off.
But, my H also told me that he had known for many months that he was pretty much "checked out" of our marriage too, but didn't know how to approach me about it. After he dropped the bomb on me, he also let me know that he was feeling as if God was leading him down a different road away from me. He now tells me later that at that time, he was hoarding everything he could into his corner, to justify walking away from the marriage. My H was also involved in an EA with a co worker.
The thing is, it is amazing just how long the WAS knows inside how long they have been checked out... and how long they have known they are ready to leave, which is why it's a big shock when they finally let you in on what's on their mind.
I don't have much advice to offer, but I can say that the DB-ing techniques, the many people I have learned from on this forum, have been a huge help to my marriage and me.
After he dropped the bomb on me, he also let me know that he was feeling as if God was leading him down a different road away from me. He now tells me later that at that time, he was hoarding everything he could into his corner, to justify walking away from the marriage. My H was also involved in an EA with a co worker.
This was practically the beginning of my sitch, as well. I'm glad that he was able to come through the fog for you. Hopefully, we'll have similar breakthroughs.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
I love my husband very much and I want to save our marriage. He has moved out this week and it's killing me.
Please help me!
You must start first by helping yourself. Your husband has departed on his own journey right now. You must start on yours.
Worry first about BASICS, sleeping, eating, excercizing living your life to the fullest.
It is not uncommon to become depressed yourself and that will not help you to restore your marriage. You need a clear mind and healthy body to move forward.
You must stop worrying about him and use the TIME that he has given you to start to make a better WOV.
TBH it sounds like his MLC started during his previous marriage and your marriage did not cure it.
You must LET him GO and get on living your life to the fullest. If it was meant to be then he will come back, but if not then he was never yours to begin with.
I am sorry to tell you all this but it is what I read in what you have written.
I found a lot of comfort by reading the MLC resources. You are not alone and many of us have gone through this before you.
Tell us some more about your self, how old you are and your husband. What happened in the two previous marriages(yours and your husbands), you have lessons to learn here and that might be the most important thing that you can DO.
