I was feeling down yesterday. It's the feeling that you're stuck and can't do anything to move forward, maybe stuck in a maze not knowing which path to take. I also feel very lonely. I don't have family close by, don't have many friends. I don't have a lot of time to GAL. My focus right now is work and my S4. What I noticed yesterday though, was that I came out of feeling down fairly "quickly". It didn't last hours or days, I didn't let it affect my daily tasks. Also, I was able to listen to some pretty sad love songs without even tearing up.
After having a low day, the night turned out pretty good, considering the current circumstances. H was in a meh mood at first, nothing out of the ordinary. It was his soccer night. When he came back he didn't seem happy. He told him he got a red card. He said he went after a guy, but the guys was being a jerk. He then went on to the living room to watch soccer and have a beer. He usually takes more time to calm down after a game, but he came to bed after a few minutes.
H said we shouldn't tell S4 that he got a red card for getting into a fight. I said maybe we shouldn't say anything at all, because S4 will ask a million questions. H said that he wants to teach S4 about being carded, so we agreed that we'd tell S4 that H got a card for fouling another player. H then said "I'm glad we agree." There was a difference in his tone, it actually had positive emotion. I could almost feel him cracking a smile when he said that (it was dark, so I couldn't see).
Then H asked me for a back rub. I ended up giving him a full body massage, which in the end led to ML. It felt so good and I really enjoyed the moment. I tried not to think about what it meant, the future, or anything else...just enjoyed that very moment. H commented on the shirt I was wearing to bed. It was nothing special, but he asked whether I wear it on purpose because he likes it. Maybe I need to invest in some new sleep wear, if that is what he notices.
This morning S4 came up to bed early. I sent him away the first time, but when he came back 10 minutes later I let him climb into bed with us. He lay there cuddling next to me first. Then he pulled my arm and H's arm close to him and said "We are the best family ever". Then, H pulled S4 close to him and they lay there snuggling for a few minutes. What a precious site, it made me smile. I hope that H appreciated that, and that he understands what he'll be missing out on.
