Bklyn Queen

[keep_going]

((((((BM))))))

I am so sorry about tonight. Nothing is more heart-breaking than seeing our little ones struggle and have our H belittle it.

My H says D4 and D3 "are not struggling any more than any other 4 and 3 year-olds" and that "our separation has not affected them."

So sad.

Put a stop sign in your brain about these negative feelings, go get in bed with each one of your girls for 5 minutes to cuddle and whisper in their ear how much you love them.

Hang in there...

[BklynMom]

So last night a few hours after my D3 melt down and "I want my Daddy" rant. I text my H regarding a financial thing that we had been going back and forth with earlier in the day.

He texts me back - one quick sentence regarding the $ then
"D3 had tough time tonight. Hope she calmed down soon after I left. i still havent"

I couldnt believe it, my H actually expressed emotions to me. I write
"I know its tough for you. D3 is fine. She cried for 15 minutes then went to sleep. She loved all the stuffed animals on her bed"

I was so impressed with my very DB response until I get his answer

"Thanks Bklyn, that helps so much"

Did I let him off the hook too easy. He is okay with his daughter crying for 15 minutes?? Should I have said D1 started crying for Daddy too?? Should I have said this is not okay??

[MissingMyFamily]

Seriously, when is this fool gonna wake up??? [/quote]



This is the question all of us LBS ask ourselves. Most all of them do at some point but hopefully for them it won't be too late. That's the risk they are willing to take just to see if grass is actually greener. As most of them find out it's not. We are not the problem they are and until they figure that out they will never truly be happy.

[labug]

Did I let him off the hook too easy. He is okay with his daughter crying for 15 minutes?? Should I have said D1 started crying for Daddy too?? Should I have said this is not okay??

Stuff with the kids is tough. You told him she was fine, yes you let him off the hook. His relationship with his kids is his issue to deal with. Would it have been better if you said: "D's whole world has been turned upside down, of course she's upset. She needs to be able to express her feelings about this and at 3 she has very few ways of doing that."

He certainly invalidated her feelings.

[Autumn Leaves]

I think you handled it perfectly bklyn!! Well done!

[kolja]

Seriously, when is this fool gonna wake up???

This is the question all of us LBS ask ourselves. Most all of them do at some point but hopefully for them it won't be too late. [/quote]

This begs the question of what's "too late." Do we, the left behind spouses, decide "too late" - is it simply when we decide to close (or at least not maintain) the road home? Or is there some say on THEIR side - at some point they 'wake up' but decide all on their own that 'well, it's been too long, too much has happened, I couldn't possibly go back...'

[rickb89]

Brklyn - I think of how tough this sitch is and I have to tell you that I really do respect how strong you are through this. Even when you're super unhappy, fearful, or in a rage about it, you at least have the guts to be open about it and try to find a better way to deal with it. I have three sons and they're older than your girls. To think that you are dealing with a crazy H, and then having to handle all the aspects of having two baby girls through this, well, it just speaks to how strong you are. My boys are older so in some ways its easier.

If you get a chance read the posts on my thread, back and forth between Mach and I. I think it will help you because we are dealing with many of the same hurdles.

[2chiquitos]

I can relate to you bklyn queen. Two nights ago my son said "daddy" in his sleep. S3 used to cuddle with him in the middle of the night. Almost every night he'll ask me for him even though he just left. It's hard.

When I have two kids crying I want to call him up n tell him off!! I don't do it...
Last nite I told him, I would do almost anything to make S3 happy because I'm not a selfish person...he says nothing.

[sayitaintso]

Kolja- I don't think it is ever too late. Even if our WAS leave and we get a D we can still DB and it has resulted in R in some instances I've read in the archives.

It's been said many times on here by some vets that we will know when it is time. Until then it doesn't matter what our WAS do, it only takes 1 to change the relationship dynamic.

[BklynMom]

Thks for all the comments

Rick I have been reading machs posts on your thread, but they are so intense - I really need to find an hour to read them throughly.

Another jolly day in the land of separation. H and I emailed back and forth regarding some job prospects for each of us. H used to love that we both did the same type of freelance work so we could bounce ideas off each other. We were doing that a little today via email but after a couple back and fourths, H abruptly didnt reply. Oh well I didnt pursue it.

H has a job possibility with Mike who is in his early 60s and left his 1st family behind in Canada 20 years ago to marry Jane. Jane is in her early 50s. Both Mike and Jane were friends to both of us prior to the separation. Jane was the woman who gave my husband kid furniture for his bachelor pad and told me that H needed to get back to doing the fun things he loved like mountain biking.

I have some concern about H working with Mike since his wife Jane was so supportive to my H when he was moving out. But I do think that Mike must have more complex feelings about leaving his 1st family (3 kids) then Jane, who got what she wanted out of the whole thing.

Nothing I can do about it anyway.

This weekend H visits his brother and SIL, who has stage 4 cancer. It was her diagnosis last year that I feel triggered my H breakdown. She has 3 little ones and its a really tough sitch. Her problems make me count my blessings.

I suspect that they going to talk to him about why he has refused to work on our marriage. I am nervous for that conversation cause I know that sometimes these "talks" push my H further away. Fingers crossed

I agree its never too late