W racing to finish line - do I bring up OM?

[BadLuck]

Oneeleven - sorry for not responding to your earlier question. Regarding what would I hope to gain by sharing this "elephant in the room", it wouldn't be so much as a "aha, I knew it", but rather just to put it out there to get everything on the table. I think it would make me feel the same, maybe even a little better since I could at least realize that I brought it up.

Thanks for the responses to my last question. It was what I was guessing would be the case, but I suppose there is always room for interpretation.

Quite honestly, I feel terrible. I don't know what to do and I know I can't control anything. All of you I know are going through something similar (and many with kids, which I assume is even more difficult).

I suppose I won't respond to her e-mail and just sit back, be silent and see if any positive signs come out of her conversation with my friend's W on Monday.

[Oneeleven]

I hope that someone who has been in this close to paperwork sitch will give you some advice very soon. This is a scary time for you I bet!! ((BL))

[25yearsmlc]

Since your w is so close to her "finish line" I am not sure staying so dark is a good idea.

You tried to control her before, but I didn't see it as typical pursuit so much as wanting to manipulate outcome (getting her back).

So I don't think you have that much to gain by ignoring her and staying silent, which may appeal to you b/c it's the easier path=so try to avoid that if you can.

Just found out from my friend that my W postponed dinner with his W until Monday. She said she had to work late.

This^^^ type of information seems like it contributes to your obsessing about your w. At this point it's not really healthy for you to know all this. Do you take my point?


This morning, W sent me a note basically asking me if I've contacted my L yet so we can get this finalized (basically what she left off with last night).

so not really a surprise, right?

I responded and was open and honest and basically said, I don't feel the need to push this process any faster than it needs to go and I think there are better alternatives that will make us both better off in the long-run. I feel as though I've been respectful during this process and I wish you'd respect me the same.


see how the ^^^ deletions stay focussed on how you feel, and NOT on what you want from her? Please, really SEE that.

She responded with
"I do appreciate your respectful behavior.

I'm not sure what you think will make me better off in the long-run.

I don't think we are moving this process too quickly-- in fact, i've been moved out for almost 6 months, so finalizing this is appropriate, given that i've made my decision, it's not going to change, and therefore, it's in the best interest of both of us to just move on"

This e-mail is pretty resolute and I haven't responded and was just going to stay silent, but I couldn't help but notice if the second comment was an invitation to actually respond with something that I think would be better (not come back to me, etc.), but something softer that she might be able to ponder a bit, or if it was just small talk and she accidentally asked a question.

You don't need to stay silent but imo, she's not really asking you anything. And btw, what is it you think would help HER AND YOU now?

Are you suggesting counselling now? Good luck with that.


I don't want to pursue, but whether she meant to or not, I think she asked a question, even though the last paragraph basically invalidates me presenting any response to her.

I am not taking this as any positive, but I do want to take advantage of any perceived crack that she allows me at this point, whether or not she meant to, without pursuing.

Any thoughts??

I don't see the crack or much of one. And I guess it's positive b/c I suppose she is at least paying lip service to your change of being respectful to her...

If it were me, I'd do one of two things.

I'd accept her decision and wish her well and hope we somehow stay connected -so that when my changes are truly reflected in my outer behavior, then she'll hear of that...and perhaps wonder...and maybe reach out...

OR

I'd lay it all on the line and

I do NOT mean about OM. I mean about you detailing your mistakes to a point so she knows you get this.

I mean truly owning how poorly you treated her and use her examples and some of your own that she has not mentioned but which you regret and now see in a new light...b/c you are different now.

Maybe you should not make the case for trying again, so much as conceding the old m had to die but you wish you two could have a new, healthy marriage with together. You hope her memories of good times will resurface and the painful ones will subside.

Mentioning OM ONLY helps you if YOU then connect the dots.

That means you own your role in it and that OM forced you to see this,

and that you wish you'd been there for her so she'd never look at OM.

That you want her to know that you understand it and that you hold no grudges...in fact, now, you "get it."

BL, you only say this b/c you want to show her change even if you don't fully feel it.

If you act in any way judgemental or like you are the victim -- even if you really feel that way--

it will backfire.

Know what your goal is and keep your words short. There is power in brevity and you tend to get too wordy and ask for too much.

Good luck

[bustorama]

Plan C is to do both of what 25 describes -- you give her the finalized paperwork that she wants and while doing so, you sincerely apologize ONE LAST TIME for the SPECIFIC ways you hurt her or were not there for her the way she needed you to be when you were her husband and had the chance. And you wish her happiness going forward. Amends, without expectation.

Then you get REAL busy in your own life and move on.

She emotionally divorced you a long time ago, Bad Luck. The paperwork is just another symbol on the timeline. The D does not represent the Finish Line. You may have crossed the Finish Line long ago, or it may not have been crossed yet (1 of 7 divorced couples reconcile). You don't control that. You just control yourself.