Thanks everyone for your posts. I read them yesterday from my phone while I was working and then in the evening when I was off doing fun GAL stuff.
NLW - You nailed it. Its so hard for me to say I'm separated when the truth is my H left me, but its getting easier. It actually has gotten easier to say to people I am actually friends with versus neighbors whom I barely know.
ITM - Al anon has given me a life. As great as these boards are, Al anon is equal to that. Its given me so much support and love and a place to cry out loud.
Rick - I kind of joke about wanting about using this time to my advantage but the truth is being with another man is so scary to me right now. Strange thing, a guy at my Al anon meetings asked me out last week. Luckily I had something planned for the evening he asked me out cause I was so not ready for it and so terrified. But it was very flattering especially from a guy that has been in the room when I have cried and also knows I have two little kids. I am so not ready for any intimacy with the opposite sex.
KG - Thanks for understanding. Knowing that I am not crazy is so huge. This is hard stuff we are going through, and we are doing the best we can. Each day with our beautiful kids is amazing. Thks for the reminder
NH - Its so cool that you think I have strength even when I dont feel like I do. It makes me feel so good.
Monday & Tuesday are my days without the girls. Yesterday I was very busy working and doing fun me things but when it came to make a good night call to the girls I really struggled. I hate it. Tucking them in from the phone and being home at night without them in their room - it stinks.
I hesitated posting here last night cause I was so feeling sorry for myself and I didnt want all my posts to become whinathons. Having a great day today.
Currently I am sitting on the bathroom floor while my hair color sets. I have never colored my hair at home. I have a good friend who is a hair dresser and she always does it, so I am a little nervous.
I want to step up the looking good for H. I think I already look good and always have a cute outfit on when he comes over but I think I need to take it to the next level. I just dont want to dress too sexy that its not me.
My H does not look at me when we are together. He kind of looks through me or past me but does not look at me. I want to look so hot that he has no choice but to look at me.
After he left I went from a size 8 to now a size 4 but I feel like my face looks older. I think the couple of extra pounds kept the wrinkles off, but now I am skinny, stressed out and wrinkly. I need to drink more water. No more coffee
Ces I love this so so much. I reread it all the time. "I can still be the person I want to be. Some days the vision of who that is can be very clear and I can almost grab it. Then somehow its fades like vapor and I struggle to feel that strength again. But quitting, and giving in to the misery won't help you or your girls.
Your H is massive jerk and quite honestly so is my W. But that is their choices driving those behaviors. Not you or me."
Labug - I will do a whole post on my Dad's struggle but I need to gather my thoughts. A quick summary is, it took my father many many years to see the light.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
"Currently I am sitting on the bathroom floor while my hair color sets. I have never colored my hair at home. I have a good friend who is a hair dresser and she always does it, so I am a little nervous."
There you go, doing something for you!!! You go Bklyn!!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"Just Add caffeine: Yes, coffee will put a bounce in your step, but it also has a similar effect on skin by restricting blood vessels. Applied topically, studies have found caffeine to lift dark circles under eyes and improve crow’s feet. Either try L’Oreal Men’s Expert Hydra-Energetic Ice-Cold Eye Roller or Kiehl’s Eye Alert ."
Don't know if it works - FWIW.
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
BM - I am sure it will come out great! I have also started to do my own hair. This past year I have really cut out 90% of my discretionary spending, since things are bad. One of them was this. I have to say - I am getting good at it and it is a LOT cheaper.
BTW, a friend just recommended going to a beauty supply store to get the chemicals (they are the same they use at the salons), instead of buying the kits at the pharmacy. Cost is about the same. Who knew! I will definitely try it. My friend's hair always looks amazing. I would have never guessed she did it herself.
Glad you are having a better day!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
My H does not look at me when we are together. He kind of looks through me or past me but does not look at me.
Hey BK- I experience this ^^^ as well. I've come to expect it but it still bothers me periodically. I try to have minimal expectations but c'mon, can you at least look at me and be present w/ me for a few minutes?
Especially as we are working so hard on listening/validating/focusing on being in the moment with them.
I've started to do my hair at home too... saves a TON of $$, and I can usually fold a load of laundry as it sets! yeah for multitasking!!
Originally Posted By: bklynmom
My H does not look at me when we are together. He kind of looks through me or past me but does not look at me.
I get the same thing from my H. It's eerie how they seem to be starting at you, but nothing is going on in their head. This post was on nhmom's thread (You may have already read it), but it really helped me feel better about what's going in our WAS's mind- maybe it will help you too. I think her description of "shark eyes" is perfect.
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
nhmom, I've been reading your thread over the past few days, and wanted to comment.
When my h was going through this last summer, he had a completely different look through his eyes. I'd look at him and wouldn't see my H. There was no love or warmth there, it was as if someone took my h away and left me with someone else. I think they call it "shark eyes".
So, the other day this topic came up with my h and I. He dropped the bomb on me on July 3. When he was looking through some pictures of the 4th of July, he said, "What is wrong with me here? I look weird." I said nothing for a moment, and he kept pressing on about how strange he looked, and I said, "You had the shark eyes". So I explained to him how he looked so much different because he was different and very distant.
We had a good talk about this and he explained to me.... that he thought he looked that way because he felt that if he didn't maintain his distance, if he didn't stick up for himself and allow himself to be too close to me, that he'd lose his ground and be "miserable forever".
That is where he was coming from.
Throughout the entire time he was going through what he was going through, he said he loved me often, and would send emails from work, but in the evening would have tantrums about wanting to be free and would say how miserable he was and wanted to move on.
His behavior was erratic and it never made sense completely. One moment, happy the next, extremely cold and distant. It made db-ing very hard at times. Trying to be balanced.
In retrospect, my h said the bottom line was... he just wanted things to change in our M, and didn't think it could, or would. He felt that this was all it would ever be.... and he didn't want it this way so leaving was going to be the answer.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
After he left I went from a size 8 to now a size 4 but I feel like my face looks older. I think the couple of extra pounds kept the wrinkles off, but now I am skinny, stressed out and wrinkly. I need to drink more water. No more coffee
your comment reminded me of something i read once.. about how as women age, you have to pick either the face or the body. only one or the other looks good. haha. i think we should prove that theory wrong!!! drinking water is a good plan. and stress does play a huge factor on how we feel and look. be kind to yourself (your advice if i remember correctly?)
i haven't coloured my hair in years. you may have inspired me to restart again tonight!
saying goodnight to my babies on the phone is also hard for me. no matter how many weekends i'm away.. it doesnt' get easier. but stay strong and have hope that this may not always be the case. in the meantime, your calls let them know that you miss them and love them so much.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Pickle I am buying some eye cream with caffine in it tomorrow.
My hair turned out great. I dont think H noticed it tonight when he brought the kids home.
It was hard to notice anything when our D3 went into complete melt down mode. "Daddy dont leave, why is my daddy leaving??, I love my Daddy, I want my daddy to stay"..... and on and on. H only listened for a minute and said to her "This is not a big deal I will see you tomorrow" He gave her a kiss and left. She continued crying for 15 minutes until she went to sleep.
My H is really a fool. I look good. I dont yell at the fool for being a jerk to his kids. He likes my cooking. Seriously, when is this fool gonna wake up???
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
